Today's Meditation...

OK, so what I meant yesterday by being talked into something, was starting this blog.  In the old days, one would have kept a journal.  These days, we have blogs.  Thank goodness.  My hands simply won't "do" more than about an hour of handwriting any more.  Luckily, I seem to have learned how to type in a way that doesn't lead to horrible hand issues (knock wood!).  (Anyway, my therapist said I ought to journal, to deal with this life transition, so I guess this is as close as I'm going to get to journaling...)

Today's meditation is on the meaning of work -- or, to be more precise, our jobs -- in today's society, and particularly here in the Silicon Valley.  Often, we are (or are perceived to be) what we do...  When we no longer do what we did, who are we?  For those of us who grew/morphed into workaholics (and in denial, at that), what we did became a large part -- all? -- of who we thought we were.  

I do remember, vaguely, a time in my past when I was just me, a whole person.  Not me, a student; or me, a salesgirl at a snazzy NYC department store; or me, the wild child in Greenwich Village; or me, the star student...  Just, me...  But, over time, I became me = the high-powered in-house lawyer at "X" company.  Maybe it was the cachet of working at a company which has changed the world (well, OK, maybe not changed the world, but we sure thought we did -- or that we have)...  (To be perfectly honest, on those rare times I ventured out of the Valley, I did occasionally find people who could care less about computers or *pods or *phones, and they seemed to be perfectly happy and fulfilled...)  It was (almost?) addictive...  I became darn good at what I did, and I enjoyed it.  I spent hours and hours at the office, thriving on the drama, the fast pace, the thrill of firing on all cylinders, being in "the zone"...

Occasionally, there was a niggling sense of doubt...  Could it be that, perhaps, I was becoming a teensy weensy narrow in my vision?  Hmmm...  Out, out, doubt!!!  Was I, perhaps, just perhaps, spending a bit too much time in the throes of the adrenaline-charged atmosphere that pervaded the company?  Heck, no!  I made it home every night (when I wasn't in Europe or Asia or goodness-only-knows-where), and I made it to the kids' school events...  But, I pushed those wisps of un-ease down, and plowed on.

So, now that I am no longer working at "X" Company, who am I?  Was my identity so totally enmeshed with being AT the company, that I no longer exist (in some existential way) now that I'm not employed there?  That, my friends, is a way scary thought.  I think that's probably the first thing I need to wrestle with...  (Deep feelings of insecurity, i.e. -- do people want me to do whatever simply because I was employed by the company? or did/do they want me for myself?)  Aaaaccckkk... You would think I was still 16 years old...

Anyway, now, I get to sit, quietly, and just be.  And think.  And contemplate.  I'm blessed in that, financially, I don't need to immediately run out and find another job.  I have the gift of time...  I can deal with the cosmic question: Who am I?  Can I look myself in the eye every night and say, hey, you did good today?  Well, perhaps...  I am going to practice being mindful, of being in the moment, and just be.  Not run and write a memo, clean up an agreement, give advice, dispense wisdom, talk an anxious client off the ledge... Just, be...  My lovely and serene esthetician, the zen goddess herself, would be proud of me...  

We'll see if my "monkey mind" kicks in...  Oops, there it is!  

More to come...