Brrrr...

So, I've made it to Massachusetts, and am staying with my best friend from high school. We were talking last night, and figured out that we met when I was only 13 and she had just turned 15. Jeez, that is AGES ago! But, we are still as funny and cute and compatible as ever. There were decades when we weren't in touch, and for the life of us, we're not sure why that happened. I deeply regret that. I would have liked to see her as a mom, raising her kids, and I would have liked to have had her get to know my kids when they were younger. Oh, well, much as in my marriage, you can't un-ring the bell nor change one day of the past. You can only accept where you are, and go on from here.

The weather is cold, much colder than I am comfortable with. Yes, one of the many reasons I picked up and moved to California (well, to be fair, elected to stay in California) was the weather there, vs. the weather in New York City, where I'm from. It wasn't even really really really cold here, nor was it raining/snowing/sleeting/etc. Just cold. I did remember to bring my thermal underwear, and that made it quite comfortable to be outside in my jeans. And, I bought new Ugg boots (not the traditional Ugg boots, but a more stylish pair), and they are toasty warm. I also have a sweater, a fleece hat, gloves, a scarf -- the whole shooting match! I'm told that tomorrow (Monday) will be Spring-like -- should be in the 50s! Woo-hoo! I'll wander downtown and meet her for lunch (she has to work tomorrow), and just generally hang out. What luxury!

Then, on Wednesday, I fly to Paris. Yep, it's tough, but someone has to do it. I'm hopeful that Paris will distract me from my sorrow and sadness, and that I'll enjoy myself. Right now, I am so very, very sad. My therapist (and my friends) (and many magazine articles) all assure me that many, many people have walked this path before me, and that I will get through it, but that I need to walk the path myself. I really dislike this pain. Really really really. I'm also so very angry at the circumstances. I truly thought that, if I beamed enough love at the issue, and tried hard enough, and directed enough energy into "fixing" things, all would turn out well. Unfortunately, that probably won't be the case. And, if one remembers what I said in a very early post, it's more than likely that, years from now, I'll look back and say, hey it all worked out the way it was supposed to, and things are fine. I keep telling myself that, and I must admit it's pretty cold comfort at this point in my journey. But, I really don't have a choice -- the journey was not my choice, but I'm in the middle of it, and I'm not able to go back, only forward. I just wish I were not dealing with such uncertainty from the other partner on this journey. I wish he'd just make a decision, so we can both move forward. Or, more accurately, I wish he'd just screw his courage to the sticking point and tell me what decision he's made, as I do believe he's made it. This is just driving me nuts... But, this unwillingness or inability to deliver "bad news" is one of the reasons we're in this mess. Ach, what a cluster.

Well, it's late, and I had way too much wine with dinner, so I'll sign off and attempt to sleep.

Cheers!