Ruminations on time...

So, a few mornings ago, I woke up and lay there, thinking about time. Like, what day was it? And why do the days just seem to slide, one into another, in an endless, immutable, implacable, endless stream... It doesn't matter whether I get a lot done, or just sit around in a haze, or spend my day knitting or crocheting or thumbing through old issues of Oprah Magazine... the days pass anyway...

I had a lot more to say about the issue of time, but that was a few days ago, and by now I've forgotten much of what I wanted to say. Typical. But, today is nine months to the day since my last day at The Company. It seems like a week. My feelings are still quite abraded, and I'm actually (and surprisingly) very very bitter at my boss for the way he handled the whole issue. I wasn't irritated/upset/bitter for the longest time, but perhaps I was suppressing my feelings... (Ya think?) I'm apparently pretty good at that... A couple of days ago, I was driving back home from wherever, and was on the main drag in my city, where many of the buildings which are owned and/or leased by The Company are located. I stopped for a red light and, there in the crosswalk, right in front of me, was my former boss, just kind of schlumping along... He actually looked very small and beaten down, but for the slightest little second I thought, hmmm... what if my car had a malfunction? Bwahahahahaha... Nah, it was just a passing thought... I did, however, feel a surge of irritation, verging on anger, against him and what he did to me. The thing that bugs me, today, is that he totally f'd up my life (money-wise), and I'm pretty sure he didn't give it much of a thought. I'm trying very hard to get past that, but it's harder than it might be, since I'm not having any luck at all finding a job... Thank goodness The Company was good to me, and granted lots of lovely little stock options, and I had the good sense to exercise them periodically over the years and put the money to good use... So, I won't be living under a freeway underpass (at least in foreseeable future), but I still need to make the monthly payments... I mean, thank goodness for state unemployment funds, and thank goodness that The Spouse also is getting unemployment checks, so we're not starving, but...

Anyway, I am TRYING to keep this on a high, philosophical level... Ha! Time, yeah, that's what I was talking about. My daughter is graduating from college in a couple of months, and that is a shocker! These four years have gone by in a flash... I remember when she was in pre-school! And that seems like just yesterday! I think time is just a construct made up by old men, in an effort to mess with our mind... It's all too weird...

OK, nine months since I left The Company. Nine months is a whole pregnancy. When I was pregnant, it seemed like an eternity. But, it seems like yesterday that I walked out of my building, box of possessions in hand, totally devastated... Comparing the months since I left my job to a pregnancy really flipped me out, when I thought about it... I guess grieving takes its own time, doesn't it? I'm still having dreams about being back at The Company, which makes me very uncomfortable, but which I hear is quite normal. I think, if I had a new job, it might be easier. So, Universe, please hear this --- I need a job! Even a part-time or temporary job would be fine, thank you very much... Just something to get me out of this house!!! Aaaaccckkkk!!!

Breathe, that's it... Ommmm.... This is what happens when I'm not busy enough... Tomorrow, I'd pull weeds in the front garden, but it's supposed to rain... Maybe I can get to it before the rain starts? Maybe? Or not...

I am even boring myself tonight. So, enough for now.