All Quiet on the Western Front

Well, OK, I know that's probably a violation of some IP law somewhere, but I could not think of a decent title for today's post. Really, there's nothing going on. I'm back, in my own home, and loving it. I had no idea how MUCH I really didn't like traveling by myself, being in a funk, and being away from my home. It's funny when you think about it, because for years I really wasn't very comfortable in this house, and didn't think of it as truly my *home* . . . But, now that I really contemplate the chances of NOT living here in a couple of years, I find myself very much attached to this place. Also, having time to just hang out here, since I'm no longer working at The Company, has really made me appreciate what I have here... In fact, I'm a virtual domestic goddess these days... Am trying out a recipe for apple butter. I have no idea WHY apple butter, but know that I got a major jones going lately about apple butter. So, I bought a bunch of apples (Gala and Fuji), chopped them up, threw them in the crockpot with some apple cider, way too much sugar, and spices (too much cinnamon -- note for next time), and it's merrily cooking away... We'll see how it is in the morning.

Other than that, I'm just kind of riding the waves of my life. The domestic situation is in flux, my professional career is on hold, other semi-professional activities are all over the damn place, and I have no idea where I'll be a month or two months or three months from now. But, I'm feeling much more stable, emotionally, and have realized I just need to buck up and stop whining. There are far worse things that could be happening to me, other than the betrayal by my spouse... Truly... I have a friend whose husband passed away last week, and she's devastated. I have acquaintances who have serious illnesses, whose partners have died, whose kids are in jail, etc., etc. And, there are people in the world who are in far worse straits than I. This is the kind of stuff I think about. So, I'm promising myself to stop whining and moaning, and just hang out and see what happens, and roll with it. I have money in the bank (some), my health (pretty good), my looks (not too bad for an old bat), pretty good figure (all things considered), food in the cupboard, lots of trash novels and decent novels to read, lots of fabric to sew (!), and on and on... So, I shall knock it off...

I'm not feeling much Christmas spirit this year, however. Since both the spousal unit and I will be away from home on Christmas (our agreement to spend time alone covers the Christmas holiday, as well as our anniversary), we decided not to buy any kind of tree (real or artificial). And, since we've been horribly extravagant lately, we (well, he) decided that we won't be buying each other any presents. So, there you go. I should buy the kids something, though. My son excoriated me recently for just giving him cash the past few Christmases. (He is the one who criticizes me endlessly for all my errors and omissions, and sometimes he's actually sort of right...) My daughter doesn't criticize, but I really do need to figure out something interesting for her. Since she reads this blog occasionally, I will not disclose here what I'm planning... She'll just have to wait!

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln...

Hope you all are doing well. Cheers!

The Best Laid Plans...

So, remember how I was going to spend a week or more wandering through New Mexico? Well, it would seem that the fates had something else in mind for me. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am back in Cupertino! That is a hell of a lot of driving in a very short length of time. Good thing I like driving, but this was ridiculous. It was a 10-hour day for me today, and that's just about more than I've ever spent driving in my life! I did make it to Albuquerque, and toured around Old Town in the cold and the rain on Thanksgiving Day, but that was about it. I am irritated beyond imagining that I didn't make it to Santa Fe, or really have any down time at all. I did read a couple of novels, and got a fair amount of sewing done on my Hawaiian quilting project (a table runner), and did some knitting, and a lot of thinking, but...

Anyway, all is well, or as well as it can be, under the circumstances. I did enjoy driving through the high desert. It was amazing to me that the high desert of California, and that in Arizona and New Mexico, are so wildly different! The high desert in California is very much volcanic -- like the ground was gunched together, and the mountains were formed. In Arizona and New Mexico, you can plainly see that, once upon a long, long time ago, some pretty impressive water or ice flows went through there, and carved away at the rocks, leaving these incredible formations... I love the striations in the rock, and the gorgeous colors. It was very very soothing... Driving through Arizona, you cross these washes (dry creek beds). One of my favorites was Holy Moses Wash. There's also a "lllavar wash"... I can't figure out if that's an upper-case "I" (eye) followed by two lower-case "ls" (ells), or what. My recollection is that "llavar", in Spanish, means "to wash". Too confusing for me, makes my head hurt.

As I was driving along, there was an announcement that came on the radio, recruiting subjects for a "medical study" on General Anxiety Disorder. I listened to the so-called symptoms, and frankly it just sounded like I used to feel every day when I was working at The Company! Who knew? I would have checked myself in somewhere, had I known I had a "disorder"!!!

Well, I am working on my zen attitude. Going with the flow. Breathing. Waiting to see what tomorrow holds. Ought to be a laugh riot. Or not.

Cheers!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well, here I am, in Albuquerque, New Mexico, on Thanksgiving Day, 2008. Who could have predicted this? Last year, Thanksgiving was hideous, as it was the day on which I discovered my spouse's bad acts... I had hoped that, by this year, things would have gotten resolved. However, we're still in the throes of a dying marriage, I think, and it's a painful, lingering death. Maybe. Who knows... But, here I am, and I have lots of great friends, money in the bank, nice clothes, food in my cupboards, and a decent life expectancy ahead of me... So, it could be a heck of a lot worse, and I just need to stop whining and moaning...

I woke up with a hideous headache, to a cold, grey sky, and rain. On the upside, I found the Starbucks -- right across the street! I'm not sure if I'm coming down with a virus of some sort, or whether it's altitude issues (one wouldn't think so, since I've been high up for a couple of days), or -- perhaps -- it's a mild hangover (okay, two Cosmos last night and no dinner and then the jacuzzi might, just might, have had something to do with it)...

The drive from Flagstaff to Albuquerque was easy, and it's always great to see the magnificent landscape of the desert. Truly amazing rock formations... I don't think I'd want to do this drive again in this lifetime (!), but I've enjoyed it thus far. Later today, if the rain lets up and my headache abates, I'm going to take myself off to Old Town, and walk about. (Yes, I know everything will be closed, but that's OK... I need to get out of this hotel room!)

I was planning on staying here until Saturday morning, and then heading up to Santa Fe for a few days. Unfortunately, plans have changed (the way they have a habit of doing), and I'm going to have to head back to California, to attend a Board meeting of an organization I'm seeking to join, on Monday night. Blast! But, it's the right thing to do. So, I'll pull out of Albuquerque tomorrow (Friday) afternoon, and haul my sorry self back to California. I'm really so not looking forward to that long drive, right on the heels of the first drive... I did think about flying to California and then flying back to New Mexico, to resume the road trip, but there are other things that I need to attend to in California (including a memorial service for a friend's husband who passed away last week -- I had no idea, and she's really having a hard time, as well as another Board meeting on 12/8, which I will have to be at, if I'm one of the finalists for the position), so I think it's time to just bow to circumstances.

However, I still have my reservations to take off on Dec. 13th, for the East Coast, and then on to Paris, for Christmas. That's all bought and paid for, and it would take something massive for me to call that off. Like, I'm not sure what... But it would have to be spectacular.

Well, that's it for the moment. I hope all of you are enjoying the day, and take care!

Day Two

So, what happened to Day One? Well, it didn't get blogged about... I got on the road on Monday around 11:00AM, which was later than I wanted, but way too much to do -- threw too much stuff in the car, including two suitcases, and figured I'd sort it out later. It was a long haul from Cupertino until I hit I-5, including going across Route 152... Driving was actually pretty easy, although punctuated with bouts of crying. (Silly girl...) I stayed in Barstow, California last night, at a pretty nice Best Western. Had dinner at the local Carrow's, and spied the Starbucks...

This morning, had a quick bite at the hotel, hit Starbucks, and got on the road by 8:15AM. I actually slept pretty well last night, which was amazing, all things considered. (Thank god for Ambien CR...) I really enjoyed driving through the high desert... Just acres and acres of sky and scrub and not much else. The colors are beautiful -- muted and harmonious. The one thing that struck me was how many freight trains I saw, everywhere along the way! Got gas in Needles, had lunch in Kingman, and have stopped in Flagstaff, Arizona for the night. I opted to get off the road now (about 4:30 local time), rather than pushing on to Gallup, New Mexico. I have some work to do (applying for a position on the local junior college board of trustees), and I figured I would get to work on it now, before I get totally dingy.

I am still somewhat morose about this whole road trip, and feeling irritated at being, in essence, forced to be the one who left and is wandering around. I know it's absolutely positively the right thing for me to do, but that doesn't mean I'll do it gracefully. I'm not good at that sort of thing (doing things gracefully, that is) (particularly things that are good for me). Perhaps, at the end of it, I'll feel differently about it. Maybe.

Hope all of you are doing well!

Monday and Hysteria

Well, okay, not really hysteria, just angst and anxiety. Packing for the road trip is in progress. Most of the home-based chores are done, I've printed out my step-by-step driving route (thank you, Auto Club!), have all kinds of safety supplies in the car, and (from what the pile looks like) everything I own needs to get stuffed into two suitcases and numerous tote bags!

There's more than a little irritation in me right now, about leaving my own home -- why should I leave? Why shouldn't he be the one to decamp? Well, because my little bird, you're the one who needs to put some time and space between you and him, remember? To bolster the cutting of the emotional chains? Remember all that? It's easier to leave today, because he's not here. (He's in Southern California, retrieving the two old Jaguar cars we bought in the UK...) It is hard enough as it is.

I'll probably poop out earlier than I'd like today, and stay somewhere in Southern California. (I have visions of passing out along the road in Death Valley...) Hopefully, will be pulling into Albuquerque at some point tomorrow (Tuesday). We shall see. I'm looking forward to this, I think... Oh, hell, I'm not sure what I'm feeling! It's my hope that, by the end of this trip, I'll have a little more clarity in my head and in my heart.

To all of you out there who have been so supportive, there are no words to thank you for all the love and care. I do feel it, trust me.

Take care of yourselves on this dreary Monday...

Time and Pain

It was one year ago, today, that I found out about events that had occurred, that blew my world (my personal world, my marriage, my assumptions about my marriage) apart. I've been dreading this anniversary. I woke up this morning at about 5:00AM, with a pounding, hideous migrane. All day, my stomach has been roiling, and my soul has been heavy. The spouse knows how I feel, but that doesn't make it any easier. We're both very tense about the upcoming separation, and how we'll both deal, being apart from each other.

This has been, pretty much, a very bad year. But, on the up side, I've learned a lot about myself, about my spouse, and about my children. I've had some really fun times, and some really really REALLY bad times. I'm sure that, at some point in the future, it will all become clear to me why I had to go through this. Or not.

I have not yet started packing for my road trip, but I did finish my second dress. (All that's left to do is the hem, which I can do tomorrow.) It's overwhelming, when I start thinking about all the stuff I need to haul in the car, but I'm sure I'll do just fine. I haven't traveled on my own before, and this is very nerve-wracking. But, I believe, necessary.

I wish I could focus, and write more, but I can't. It's taking everything I have just to maintain my demeanor, and not burst into tears. Well, to be honest, I don't think I have the energy for tears right now. I'm just numb.

I'll do my best to post as I make my way through New Mexico and other points on the trip. It ought to be interesting.

Peace out.

Adieu, My Rover...

So, we went down to SoCal, to deal with the cars that got shipped here from England. We got to the dock, saw the two Jags, and were incredibly relieved... One never knows whether these things will actually show up! As I was standing around, cooling my heels, I noticed a Rover over in a part of the lot. I walked closer and, lo and behold, it was OUR very Rover -- the one we bought in England, drove around, and shipped back here.

Of course, I was thrilled! We'd been having all kinds of issues with getting clearance from all the right US government agencies to bring the Rover into the country. According to my spouse, there was no issue with the EPA; however, there was an issue with the DOT (Department of Transportation). Apparently, the glitch was that the Rover is a right-hand drive car. And, it's not old enough to be exempt from the requirement that the only cars which can be imported into the US, for sale and use in the US, are left-hand drive cars. (I do not understand the reasoning, but I'm sure some minion, working in a basement somewhere, having been sufficiently massaged by the Detroit/American auto industry, came up with some facially reasonable justification for this requirement.) Anyway, after much back and forth with the US Customs and Border Protection authorities (all of whom were great and sympathetic and immoveable), it was determined that the Rover could NOT be imported into the US. What does that mean? It had to be destroyed! Yes, gunched! So, we scrambled around and arranged for the destruction, and we ended the afternoon watching our car get crunched by some incredible huge insect-like machine; that puppy just ate the Rover in less than a minute. It was awfully scary, and very traumatic. What a bloody waste.

And, of course, we didn't manage to get clearance to get the Jags out of the yard, so we drove home without them, too. How very frustrating! My spouse and our son will drive down next Sunday, and spend next Monday liberating the Jags (assuming that all the appropriate approvals and blessings and stampings and forms and god knows what have been obtained)... I am leaving on my six-week road trip on Sunday, so I won't be able to assist this time.

All very sad. But, somehow emblematic of the way things are turning out in my life. Sometimes, in order to move forward, things that one had an attraction to, need to be just destroyed. Pulverized. Into little bitty pieces. Then, melted down into core elements, and re-used to build something new (and, hopefully, shiny and full of integrity).

Other than that, I'm working on one more dress that I want to take with me on my trip. My vision is that this will be an elegant dress, but one never knows until it's at least basted up. We shall see. It's basically a wearable muslin, using fairly inexpensive rayon jersey that I found in one of our local cheapo fabric stores. I would hate to cut into $15/yard fabric (or even more expensive) and then look like a dog's breakfast! If this dress does work, perhaps I'll wear it with my beautiful Hong Kong pearls... I really like those...

Still working on keeping my emotional well-being in sync. It's really hard. I've been brooding on the implications of betrayal, again. It just gets up my nose when people aren't up front with me. I hate hate hate passive-aggressive behavior, and I've been subjected to that a little bit more than I'd like.

I sense that I'm beginning to ramble. Tomorrow, I shall post photos of my latest two sewing projects, if I can figure out how to actually get the photos into this blog. For some reason, I'm having terrible trouble figuring out how to do it. Jeez.

OK, everyone, enjoy the evening!