Bien, Je Suis a Paris!

Well, I'm here. Easy flight from the US. I got upgraded to Business (yesss!!!), but was exhausted, and basically just slept like the dead all the way over. Actually, I'm not sure if I ever even had dinner! I was watching "Ghost Town", and I remember having my salad, and a roll, and the appetizer, and then -- poof! -- it was morning and we were half an hour outside Paris! Who knows... I also noticed that the wallpaper photo on my iPhone was different, and my earphones were connected to the iPhone and neatly wrapped around it. I have no flipping recollection of doing that... Elves?

Made it to the flat just fine. I've posted some photos on my flickr.com photostream for anyone who's interested. [NOTE: For some reason I do not understand, the URL for my flickr.com photostream does not seem to be showing up; I suppose if you go to flickr.com and search for "elinorina" you'll find it.] They should be on the front page, or in the set entitled "Travel". They're all titled "Paris 12/08" -- how creative... The flat is located conveniently (not too far from the Place de Bastille, near a metro), and it's in an older building (well, older for the US -- built in the 1800s, we think). It's on the first floor (i.e., up one flight of narrow, windy, wooden stairs), and it's a lovely big room. There are high ceilings, nice furniture, three big windows looking out onto the inner courtyard, a teensy weensy kitchen, a loo, and a shower/laundry room. I have beer, wine and champagne, and some decent cheese, bread, butter and jam. I'm set. Good radio, flat-screen TV, DVD player, Internet access. I am set!

Weather was cold and a bit drizzly. Hope it's better tomorrow. I'm too old and cranky to enjoy shlepping around in bad weather! I want to do a bit of exploration tomorrow, and see if I can find an ATM and a place to buy a French SIM for my travel phone. Then, I'll be set.

I can hardly wait for my daughter to arrive -- it's not comfortable for me, being alone here, and I know we'll have a great time together. I need to do a bit of planning and exploring before she gets here, so we'll have a bit of a plan. Having Christmas Day in the middle of our trip does cut down on some of the time we'd otherwise have to see things, but we'll be fine. We can always just hang out here, drink wine, read books, and watch DVDs. Not a bad idea! And I'll cook something. Not sure what, but something.

Well, I'm still tired, so I think it's time to retire. More tomorrow! A bientot!

Road Trip, Part 2.1

So, tomorrow (Wednesday) I'm off to Paris to spend Christmas there with The Darling Daughter. It's been a good visit here in Massachusetts... I've enjoyed spending time with my best buddy, who turns out to be the only person I know who has more towels than I do! For that, a huge shout-out to J!!! It's been good, and relaxing. But cold. I really dislike Winter here in the Northeast. Big time. Today, I walked up to the center of town (maybe a 15-minute walk), and my forehead hurt, my cheeks hurt, my nose was dripping (well, surging), and I was really irritated. This is what I went through for the first 20 years or so of my life, every year! No wonder I acted out! Anyone would go mad in this kind of weather! And, the Summer... yucckkkk.... Hot, sweaty, humid, no let-up even at night... I was happy for about a month in the Fall and a month in the Spring, and that was it. I swear, the night I landed in Los Angeles, in April 1970, I thought I had died and gone to heaven! The sky was clear, there were stars, the breeze was soft as a lover's kiss... Ahhhh... I never looked back...

Anyway, I also had one of the best massages of my life this afternoon. An hour and a half. It was exquisite. I may survive the plane ride tomorrow... The lady who did the massage is the current girlfriend of my friend's housemate. I really liked her. She's very very very good. If I were here longer, I'd go back and get another massage! I will need to find a massage in Paris, as I'm sure I'll be all cricked up from the plane ride and my emotional turmoil.

I also finished my latest novel (as in reading it, not writing it) today, and did some crocheting on a market bag I want to use when I go shopping in Paris. (You know, it's just not au courant to use plastic bags any more!) And just kicked it. Bought a little teensy weensy bit of fabric at a local quilting fabric store (and a pattern for a retro-style apron), and a lovely little black camisole at a lovely lingerie store. So, major coups. Oh, and a big tote bag was on sale at the local luggage shop (I now have one in black and one in screaming lime green). All in all, a good visit. I'm sorry we live so far apart, as I'd really love to spend more time with my buddy... But, perhaps absence makes the heart grow fonder... I'd love for her to come hang out with me in California... Keep me company in my house, which will shortly be huge and empty (except for me), as I'm thinking the spousal unit will, once our decision is made, decamp to our rental house on the other side of San Francisco Bay, as he prepares for his second marriage to you-know-who... It will be heartbreaking and lonely, but I'm sure I'll survive. The first thing, I'll get a new bed. Out with the old, in with the new. And lots of new sheets. Symbolic? Perhaps...

I'm still really sad, and cried a bit this morning as I lay in bed, but not totally hysterical as I used to be. Although I'm sure that will happen at least once or twice again. But, I promised all my friends, and my son, that I would have fun and enjoy myself in Paris. And, I intend to keep that promise. My daughter will be there to kick my butt if I start wallowing. I am doing my best not to descend into bitterness and anger... But it might be hard from time to time... Right now, I'm still at the mourning (sadness) stage. Shoot, it's such a drag. I wish I could jump-start my recovery, but I guess it's one of those things that you just have to let do its thing, eh?

Well, time to tackle the suitcase. I think I need to sort things out and start using the second bag, or I'll never be able to lift the damn suitcase! I'm not sure why it is that I feel compelled to shlepp so much stuff with me... No doubt due to some childhood trauma...

May you all be enjoying yourselves, wherever and whatever.

Cheers!

Brrrr...

So, I've made it to Massachusetts, and am staying with my best friend from high school. We were talking last night, and figured out that we met when I was only 13 and she had just turned 15. Jeez, that is AGES ago! But, we are still as funny and cute and compatible as ever. There were decades when we weren't in touch, and for the life of us, we're not sure why that happened. I deeply regret that. I would have liked to see her as a mom, raising her kids, and I would have liked to have had her get to know my kids when they were younger. Oh, well, much as in my marriage, you can't un-ring the bell nor change one day of the past. You can only accept where you are, and go on from here.

The weather is cold, much colder than I am comfortable with. Yes, one of the many reasons I picked up and moved to California (well, to be fair, elected to stay in California) was the weather there, vs. the weather in New York City, where I'm from. It wasn't even really really really cold here, nor was it raining/snowing/sleeting/etc. Just cold. I did remember to bring my thermal underwear, and that made it quite comfortable to be outside in my jeans. And, I bought new Ugg boots (not the traditional Ugg boots, but a more stylish pair), and they are toasty warm. I also have a sweater, a fleece hat, gloves, a scarf -- the whole shooting match! I'm told that tomorrow (Monday) will be Spring-like -- should be in the 50s! Woo-hoo! I'll wander downtown and meet her for lunch (she has to work tomorrow), and just generally hang out. What luxury!

Then, on Wednesday, I fly to Paris. Yep, it's tough, but someone has to do it. I'm hopeful that Paris will distract me from my sorrow and sadness, and that I'll enjoy myself. Right now, I am so very, very sad. My therapist (and my friends) (and many magazine articles) all assure me that many, many people have walked this path before me, and that I will get through it, but that I need to walk the path myself. I really dislike this pain. Really really really. I'm also so very angry at the circumstances. I truly thought that, if I beamed enough love at the issue, and tried hard enough, and directed enough energy into "fixing" things, all would turn out well. Unfortunately, that probably won't be the case. And, if one remembers what I said in a very early post, it's more than likely that, years from now, I'll look back and say, hey it all worked out the way it was supposed to, and things are fine. I keep telling myself that, and I must admit it's pretty cold comfort at this point in my journey. But, I really don't have a choice -- the journey was not my choice, but I'm in the middle of it, and I'm not able to go back, only forward. I just wish I were not dealing with such uncertainty from the other partner on this journey. I wish he'd just make a decision, so we can both move forward. Or, more accurately, I wish he'd just screw his courage to the sticking point and tell me what decision he's made, as I do believe he's made it. This is just driving me nuts... But, this unwillingness or inability to deliver "bad news" is one of the reasons we're in this mess. Ach, what a cluster.

Well, it's late, and I had way too much wine with dinner, so I'll sign off and attempt to sleep.

Cheers!

Hack, Hack, Cough, Cough... and Ruminations

So, I've been really moving at about 30% speed for a couple of weeks. When I was wandering Arizona and New Mexico on my aborted road trip, I picked up some bug or other, and it hasn't gone away. (I am assuming that I'm a very gracious host, and the bug is moving in for the long Winter ahead...) I feel, occasionally, a little feverish, my chest hurts/aches a little, I'm hacking up little uglies (you know what I mean), and I break out into quite a sweat at the least effort. Hmmm... It's either a viral thing (in which case it will just run it's course, provided I don't exert myself too much) or, god forbid, pneumonia. (Years ago, I had pneumonia, and ever sense it's been with me -- if I get sick, it goes to my chest... I've been examined up one side and down the other, and all the doctors say I'm in fine shape... which I am, until I get sick!!!!)

Anyway, I've been taking it relatively slow this week. I did have lunch with two different buddies from The Company this week, and drinks with another alumnus from The Company (she's now working somewhere else), and it was SUPER to see each of them. I miss working with each and every one of them, truly. But, the more I hear about the nonsense going on at The Company, the more relieved I am that I'm not in the middle of the Dreaded Vortex of Stupidity... Last night, I did go to a holiday "do" at the home of the head of the local community college district. (I had applied for the empty seat on the district's Board of Trustees, but was not chosen, which is actually fine with me.) Lots of folks from the District and from the greater community were there. It was good to see everyone. The hostess recently lost her husband of 23 years, and I must say, she's holding up remarkably well. I think she's a lot like me -- a "tough broad" to the external world, but basically a cream puff inside... Her birthday is two days before mine... I think I'll drag her out for a festive dinner... with champagne. I think she's turning 60 this year, so she'll need a bit of hoo-hah for her birthday.

The other thing that has surprised me this week is: how many tears the human body can produce. I truly thought I could hold it together, and not burst into tears for these next couple of days here at home (before I leave on Saturday morning to go Back East, and freeze my katookies off), as a I contemplate the virtual certainty of my husband deciding to walk away from me and our marriage, to mary The Other Woman ("Her"), to fulfill some ill-conceived "promise" to Her (I'd use a more pejorative term for this female twit, but that would probably violate some blog guideline, and it would really be beneath me, in terms of dignity, so please feel free to fill in your own pet name for Her) -- to bring Her, and the daughter, to the US. This, of course, is on top of all the money we've sent to Her and the family over the past year... I personally think his obsession with Her is just irrational and heavily swathed in some Old White Guy/Young Asian Babe fantasy package, but what do I know. I think I am the only person on the face of the earth who thinks, even occasionally, that it might be a good idea to stay together and attempt to rebuild this marriage. Anyway, yesterday and last night, we had some pretty upsetting conversations, and I just fell apart. I am so MAD at myself for doing that... I really honestly thought I could hold it together for these last few days, before I leave for my time away, but apparently not. He says he "loves" Her and he must think that the heavy price he'll pay to be with Her (i.e., walking away from me, shattering his family) is worth it. I've thrown up my hands. What pisses me off is, all this past year, the repeated promises about staying with me and building a future with me... what was THAT all about? It would have hurt less, perhaps, if had just had enough courage to tell me, last year, that he wanted a divorce, and that was that. But, he didn't, and we are where we are. He also let me know that, yes, he calls her just about every day, "just to say hi". Really??? On the iPhone I gave him? Grrrrr....

Anyway, I am amazed at how many tears were left. And I am also amazed at JUST HOW BAD I LOOK THIS MORNING!!! If you're going to cry at night, I guess the thing to do is sleep (if you can) on a relatively high pillow, so the fluid doesn't settle into your eyelids and lovely little pouches under your eyes. Ask me how I know this... :-) Hahahaha...

So, today, I get to check over my wardrobe for the trip, make sure I've got all my thermal underwear laid out, that it's clean, that I've got boots and slippers and socks... Send some emails to contacts in Paris, to see who might be around to have drinks with, just for grins... I should go to the bookstore and see what materials they have on Paris; I mean, I've been there a bunch, but the sightseeing portion of my trips has been seriously hit-and-miss. Maybe, this time, I should be a bit more prepared... Hmmm....

Today is lovely -- clear and crisp. I may actually haul my sorry self off the sofa and go take a walk, and see who's doing what in the neighborhood. I love to check on the progress of all the remodeling and construction projects. The McMansions are invading our neighborhood, which is kind of sad. But, the City's planning commission (a limp bunch, IMHO) keep blessing these projects, for reasons I don't understand, so there you go. Being outside usually tends to cheer me up no end.

And, I am SO looking forward to hanging with my best buddy, JM, for the weekend and a few days thereafter. She's working up a head of steam to smack me around my head and shoulders for not kicking the spousal unit to the curb months ago. I guess she's got a point, but I've done what made me happy in the moment. [NOTE: Since I wrote the original post, my daughter has weighed in on this comment; it is her opinion that I was not doing things to make myself happy but, rather, taking the more comfortable path at the moment, because I am/was afraid of investigating the alternative, which is not being with the husband; it's been almost 28 years, after all, and over the past couple of years, I have very much committed myself to attempting to right the wrongs of the past. So, observation noted.] If, in the long run, that was the wrong thing to do, well, I'll take that risk. Who knows, anyway, what is right and what is wrong, between a married couple. (Well, there are some things that are clearly wrong, and I've either done or been the recipient of pretty much all of them.)

And then, off to Paris for ten days, with the Daughter (my Darling Daughter)! Yesss!!! It'll be totally odd to celebrate Christmas away from home, but it's what needs to happen. My first Christmas away from home was spent in India. Wow! That was really EXOTIC!!! My then-boyfriend and I were in India, so he could visit his family. It was my first trip outside the United States, and my eyes really were as big as saucers! We stayed in Mumbai, in the Taj Mahal Hotel (yes, the one that was decimated in the recent terrorist attacks). Our room looked out on the Gateway to India memorial, and I remember how disconcerting it was, to sit in the room window, to feel the warm breezes off the water, to look at the palms and the felucca boats, and to hear the traditional Christmas carols wafting up (there were a group of folks, down next to the Gateway to India, singing away)... Wow... Blew my mind! I'm sure that Paris will not be quite so exotic (or maybe it will), but it should be great.

OK, I think I need to go work on various little projects around the house. Tonight is our monthly sip-n-sew gathering, and I am prepared. Bringing both red and white wine, as well as little jars of my homemade apple butter for the ladies. Should be fun! No doubt the ladies will also smack me around about my marriage. Oh great.

I hope you are all ready for whatever holiday festivities you celebrate or engage in...

TGI Flippin' F!

Oy, what a week... Nothing terrible, just felt like I was dragging... Well, I was... These undefined, vague viral maladies will kick your butt, and there's really nothing to do, other than rest and slug down some TheraFlu from time to time. I feel better today, thanks to copious ingestions of TheraFlu yesterday, and only one glass of wine with dinner... No Cosmo last night (I'm not nuts). And, it's a nice day here today (a bit crisp but lovely), have already washed three cars (so I'm not ashamed to be seen on the streets), and am getting ready to go run errands. Tonight, foot rub at the local Chinese foot rub spa, then the usual Friday night routine at a local watering hole (drinks, pupus and molten chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream). Life is OK... Other than the throbbing menacing presence just out of sight, behind that bush over there...

My daughter is getting ready for her first set of finals in her last year at college. I cannot believe how quickly the time has flown... She was in preschool just yesterday! I am so very proud of her, and all that she's accomplished over the past few years. She's a lovely young woman, full of common sense, generosity of spirit, compassion, empathy, and a wicked sense of humor. I take full credit, of course! She said earlier this week, in one of our many phone calls, that I must plan on attending her graduation. Well, no kidding! There are very few things in the world that would keep me away... actually, only if I were in the ICU, hooked up to a bunch of wires and tubes... and if I couldn't be moved... I will be bawling my eyes out, of course, but what a day to look forward to!

And, with regard to the son, I was cleaning out my sewing room (aka The Great Pit) yesterday, as I've been doing for weeks, and came across a journal entry, on a piece of notebook paper, that I had written the night my son was born (he was born just before lunchtime, so I presume I was somewhat coherent when I wrote the entry, as it appears to have been done at night)... It was pretty touching... I don't even remember writing it... I'll probably stick it in his baby book, all the better to embarrass him later...

I've also been expanding my LinkedIn network. I guess it's kind of like FaceBook for adults... I really need to get myself out there, and find a new job... I must say, I've enjoyed not working these past few months... I really really REALLY needed the rest, but reality is intruding. I could not have dealt with all the personal challenges in my marriage if I had to show up, bright and cheery, at an office every day, and perform. So, even though I was bummed at leaving The Company, as usual, things worked out for the best. I just need to have faith in fate!

Well, that's enough dithering. Off to run errands and grab lunch. I hope you all are doing well, and looking forward to a lovely weekend.

Cheers!

Yes, I AM a Domestic Goddess

An interim post: The apple butter, if I may say so, is SUPERB... It's cooked way longer than I expected, and it still needs to cook a bit more, just to thicken up a bit, but it is yummy. I still think there's a tad too much cinnamon, but that's a minimal cavil. I cannot believe how a full crock pot of chopped apples cooked down to one-third of a crock pot full... Wow... Well, friends, there will be a lot of apple butter gifts at Christmas, I believe!

Now, I'm thinking, somewhere there has got to be a recipe for strawberry butter... But I need to wait until summer for that, as the strawberries that are in the store now are really tasteless... I still put them on my cereal in the morning, but they're not very good...

And, need to call doctor; am suffering from some undefined viral crap... Blast!

More later...

All Quiet on the Western Front

Well, OK, I know that's probably a violation of some IP law somewhere, but I could not think of a decent title for today's post. Really, there's nothing going on. I'm back, in my own home, and loving it. I had no idea how MUCH I really didn't like traveling by myself, being in a funk, and being away from my home. It's funny when you think about it, because for years I really wasn't very comfortable in this house, and didn't think of it as truly my *home* . . . But, now that I really contemplate the chances of NOT living here in a couple of years, I find myself very much attached to this place. Also, having time to just hang out here, since I'm no longer working at The Company, has really made me appreciate what I have here... In fact, I'm a virtual domestic goddess these days... Am trying out a recipe for apple butter. I have no idea WHY apple butter, but know that I got a major jones going lately about apple butter. So, I bought a bunch of apples (Gala and Fuji), chopped them up, threw them in the crockpot with some apple cider, way too much sugar, and spices (too much cinnamon -- note for next time), and it's merrily cooking away... We'll see how it is in the morning.

Other than that, I'm just kind of riding the waves of my life. The domestic situation is in flux, my professional career is on hold, other semi-professional activities are all over the damn place, and I have no idea where I'll be a month or two months or three months from now. But, I'm feeling much more stable, emotionally, and have realized I just need to buck up and stop whining. There are far worse things that could be happening to me, other than the betrayal by my spouse... Truly... I have a friend whose husband passed away last week, and she's devastated. I have acquaintances who have serious illnesses, whose partners have died, whose kids are in jail, etc., etc. And, there are people in the world who are in far worse straits than I. This is the kind of stuff I think about. So, I'm promising myself to stop whining and moaning, and just hang out and see what happens, and roll with it. I have money in the bank (some), my health (pretty good), my looks (not too bad for an old bat), pretty good figure (all things considered), food in the cupboard, lots of trash novels and decent novels to read, lots of fabric to sew (!), and on and on... So, I shall knock it off...

I'm not feeling much Christmas spirit this year, however. Since both the spousal unit and I will be away from home on Christmas (our agreement to spend time alone covers the Christmas holiday, as well as our anniversary), we decided not to buy any kind of tree (real or artificial). And, since we've been horribly extravagant lately, we (well, he) decided that we won't be buying each other any presents. So, there you go. I should buy the kids something, though. My son excoriated me recently for just giving him cash the past few Christmases. (He is the one who criticizes me endlessly for all my errors and omissions, and sometimes he's actually sort of right...) My daughter doesn't criticize, but I really do need to figure out something interesting for her. Since she reads this blog occasionally, I will not disclose here what I'm planning... She'll just have to wait!

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln...

Hope you all are doing well. Cheers!