Gratitude

So, I was overwhelmed today, with an intense feeling of well-being and, I guess, gratitude. It hits me, every once in a while, just how lucky/blessed/fortunate I am. This year, I am looking back at where I was, physically and emotionally, last year, and it's so much better right now. Really.

Last year, my marriage was in a death spiral. I was separated from my spouse, who was behaving in a way that defied explanation and reason. My heart was broken, but my spirit was resolute. I was moving forward, not in a way that I had anticipated, but with wonderful support and enthusiasm from folks who love me. Without that, I don't know what I would have done.

I had taken a solitary road trip out to New Mexico, to spend some time alone, thinking about what had gone so terribly wrong in my relationship with my spouse. No great answers, but I really so did not like being alone, cold, and eating Thanksgiving dinner in a hotel dining room. (The dinner was actually quite good, and the staff were wonderful, but it was so awful...)

My children were stellar. I am so proud of both of them, for talking truth to me (and to their father), for supporting me in my search for wisdom and understanding, and for just being themselves. I cannot take much credit, I fear . . . they are the way the Ultimate Being decided they ought to be, and it's pretty darn good.

My daughter accompanied me to Paris, to spend Christmas there. Yeah, I know, tough duty. But, it was pretty sad. I mean, Paris is always great, and Christmas is usually pretty great, so you put the two together and how bad can it be, really? I could not have made it through last year without my daughter's support and company. And, I think she enjoyed seeing a bit of Paris! (How was that Angelina's hot chocolate, eh?)

I am thankful that, this year, the entire family -- me, my husband, and the children -- will be together for Christmas. Our daughter will be hosting us, at her place . . . Wow! When did she grow up? But, I'm looking forward to it.

My husband decided, after tearing our family apart, and forcing us all -- including himself -- to look deep inside, that he wanted to stay married to me. We decided that we really did not like being apart and, notwithstanding some significant temptations to his fidelity, and his fantasies, he chose to stay here. I'll admit that there are times when I wish all the bad stuff had not happened, and perhaps I think of what my life would be like now, had he not returned. (Well, I did buy a new bed, and I love it...) There were some other men who were . . . interested, and it might have been quite an experience to play that out. But, nah...

Last year, I was still pretty damn devastated about losing my job. I'm still -- occasionally -- bitter about it, but I'm listening to my buddies who talk, a lot, about moving on. Working at The Company was seductive and I think about it, a lot. Losing the job really forced me to deal with who I am, and what is my identity. I think I'm working it out. Slowly. I've discovered a great well of creativity, and I'm working out my urges by knitting, sewing, cooking, futzing and putzing, and working on my house.

This year, I'm OK. It is what it is. I miss my colleagues, I miss the challenges I faced, but I think there are other companies and other situations where I can use my considerable abilities.

Physically, I'm a bit heavier than I was last year, but last year I looked pretty bad. Thin, but bad. I think I look great for my age, I'm in technically great health (cholesterol, blood pressure, weight, all that good stuff), and I'm active. The spouse and I try and go out and hit the tennis ball every day (thank you, community sports center and the rental ball machine), and we try to walk around the neighborhood daily (although we've been sorely remiss on that part of it). I used to be so very fearful of just ossifying once I hit "retirement". Like my parents. But, nope -- we're traveling, we're in the middle of a dozen projects, we're involved with our hobbies and interests, and I don't think we're slipping into senility quite yet.

We're buying a new house (our retirement house?), which will be yet another challenging project. We've bought a 1970 Airstream trailer (no, I don't know why but it seemed like a good idea at the time). I learned to play decent tennis, and did a scuba diving session (yes, I really did sit on the bottom of the ocean). We've adopted two new kittens, who are keeping us young. (Yes, they really are.) We argue about things, but nothing major. When we're mad at each other, we don't go off and brood for weeks/months/years... It's painful, but we talk. Since I'm usually right, this is fine...

And, bottom line, we are so blessed. I send thanks out into the universe to the Ultimate Being (or whatever) ever moment. Truly. I have friends, and family, and my health, and food in the cupboard, and money in the bank. And piles of unread trash novels and magazines. Projects lined up, great weather where we live, and a car that works. I mean, truly. . . Do I need anything else? Nope, not really.

May you all find things in your life to be grateful for.

A Crotchety Moment...

Well, it's more accurately a crotchety day. Began by getting teary-eyed and frustrated at tennis class this morning. My hand/eye coordination is lacking, severely... Got so damn mad, I hurled my tennis raquet across the court! (Truth be told, it felt kinda good...) (A John McEnroe moment for me...) It didn't help that The Spouse started with his "hints" the minute we started our warm-up drills. If I were the tennis coach, I'd tell my beloved to shut up. Jeez, makes me so mad.

Then, lunch with a good buddy -- that made me feel very very good. Damn, but good friends are a godsend, aren't they?

Then, unfortunately, I cruised the Web and looked at a little TV, and got all whipped up, again, about the idiocy of our elected "leaders". It boggles my mind that, for some reason, there was even a question at all about bringing the health care reform legislation to the floor of the Senate for a debate! Isn't that what we sent those idiots there to do? And the posturing that's going on about consenting to the debate, like it's some big-butt deal... The pontificating just drives me WILD!

Lou Dobbs was on the "Daily Show" tonight. That guy is a jaboonie of the first order. Another talking head, proclaiming in a loud authoritative voice about what "the American people" want or don't want. LD is apparently 100% sure that "the American people" don't like "the Obama health bill"... John Stewart kindly pointed out that there isn't such a thing. Duh. The touch that appealed to me the most was the mariachi trio (?) in the background as Lou Dobbs walked on stage. (We're all aware of Mr. Dobbs' views on illegal immigration, yes?) Loved it, just loved it.

And what is with the endless hashing and re-hashing of the same three stories on every damn local news channel? Makes me nuts.

I also had just had it with the protests at UC regarding the tuition hike. Yes, hiking the fees just sucks, and it's awful, and there is a whole lot of "fat" in the system. All agreed. (And, did I mention recently the outrageous package they're paying the lady who heads up UC Davis? Go look it up and see what you think...) In fact, I went on a rant on FaceBook about it. Felt good to vent. It's really embarrassing, you know? That these "kids" (and I use the term loosely) acted out like this. GO TO SACRAMENTO, FOR GOODNESS' SAKES!!! Yes, the UC Regents need a smack upside the head, but this isn't the way to do it.

And, finally, the SEIU's endless protests. We're all hurting, and there's serious inequities in the way wealth is distributed, and it's right before the holidays and people are out of work, and it's all bad... But it's NOT "the government" -- kids, WE are the government, and if we don't get that through our collective thick skull, things are going to get very very VERY bad.

OK, I'm done for the moment. Just had to vent. (I am becoming an old pain in the butt, I realize that...)

Today's Political/Health Swirl

NOTE: For some reason, the link below doesn't seem to be working. Go to www.sfgate.com, and go to Dr. Gurley's blog. The link is for the item she wrote on 11/19/2009 (I believe), about the issue.

About the current hoo-hah over that advisory panel's recommendations on breast cancer screenings. One of the headlines in todays online press avers that the panel is taken aback by all the swirling & heated "discussions". So, on which asteroid did they find these people? A couple of days ago, on NPR, I heard two doct...ors: one was from (I think) the Am Cancer Society and the other was on the task force; you can tell that the latter had NO F'ING CLUE that there would be an issue. Not confidence-inspiring. Anyway, I'm pasting a link to a good analysis on the issue. Read it. Talk about this with your family and friends, AND YOUR DOCTOR. And it wouldn't hurt to natter at your Congressional representatives and senators, too (Federal level). The whole health care system in this country needs an overhaul, for a plethora of reasons. YOU are the government: get involved and let those yahoos in D.C. know what you think. Just sayin' . . .

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/gurley/detail?blogid=114&entry_id=51917

Politics... feh! (Yeah, and I'm talking to you, Carly F!!!)

I am getting pretty darn irritated with politics. Nothing new, of course, as I've felt this way for several years. But, lately, I find myself with a pounding head after watching TV, reading the newspaper, reading "Newsweek", or cruising the Web...

What's whipping me up? Let me count the ways...

The scary partisanship I see growing in this country. If you pay attention to what's happened/is happening in other countries (huge hoo-hahs over really trivial or superficial) (OK, trivial and superficial to me), one would think that it would be in all our best interests -- the entire country, is what I'm referring to -- NOT to descend into this bilateral division. Republic vs. Democrat -- to me, it's like Sunni v. Shia (don't jump all over me, please), or Catholic v. Protestant (thank you Northern Ireland), Tutsi v. Hutu, Sureno v. Norteno, whatever v. whatever... We have far more in common than we have different. Grrr...

The blatant twisting of the facts to fit your "side", usually delivered with a firm jaw, really good hair, false sincerity around the eyes, and a tad of OUTRAGE just for spice. Ridiculous. My profession and my training may help me to see things a tad more even-handedly, even as I can advocate for a particular side. The evil twin of this issue is "forgetting" certain past occurrences which perhaps had an impact or effect on a current situation... Like, the fact that the greatly beloved (and seriously idiotic) (IMHO) Ronald Regan's "birth" of massive deficits, which continue to plague us to this day.

The way certain fringe elements (yeah, OK, I am referring to the TEA Party nutcases) wrap themselves in the flag -- literally as well as figuratively -- and use words like "freedom" and "liberty", in an effort, perhaps, to infer that the "other side" is just not patriotic. This just whips me up beyond all belief.

The failure to make the connection between our rights as citizens and our obligations as citizens. And, the failure to recognize that the world has changed since our country was founded... It's a whole lot more complicated, many many MANY more people, and you just can't sit out in the forest with your gun and believe you can handle everything life might throw at you. And, add to that the fact (yes, sorry, it is a fact) that our world is far more integrated ("smaller", some might say) and globalization (I hate that word) is here and is influencing how we live. (This is normally where I start foaming at the mouth about the "No New Taxes!" crew... Who, exactly, do they think is going to pop out of the shrubbery and take care of the roads, the defense of our country, interstate commerce, many business, etc., etc.? The Infrastructure Bunny? Jeez...)

[Let me segue here to the castle/peasants/Vikings thing I have talked about for years... That is, when dealing with our friends in Europe, and to some extent in other parts of the world, we need to realize that they have a long and honorable heritage of depending on the central government (the local lord's castle, perhaps?) for succor and help in times of peril (e.g., the Vikings)... We never had that in the good old US of A... We just washed up on these shores, and promptly killed whoever was here first, and then turned around and headed for the horizon, where there was plenty of room to act out and pretend that we didn't need any darn government (i.e., king or whatever)...] [Of course, many of these nutcases out there don't seem to grasp that WE are the government in this country... Didn't they pay attention in social studies class?]

And, now, we have, here in California, two women -- Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman -- running for public office. As a genuine 1970s feminist, I would love to be able to support them. But these two really should go find a couple of start-up companies in Silicon Valley to ruin . . . er, to run . . . and stay the hell out of politics. I mean, neither of them even voted on any kind of consistent basis... (Yes, I know, many people don't vote regularly, or at all -- don't EVEN get me started on THAT one...) Carly just said yes she apologized, but after all for years she didn't think her vote counted. Well, I can tell you for sure that a vote not cast does not count. Duh. And this woman rose through the ranks to become a CEO? Jeez... Of course, I've spent enough time in corporate America to know that competence and common sense (and any kind of integrity) are certainly not needed to rise through the ranks, if you get my drift.

And, Carly, you certainly do know about creating jobs . . . in Asia, where all the jobs went when you hacked away at HP here in the US! Your supremely disingenuous statement that it was necessary to cut expenses in hard times makes me gag. Your policies savaged the R&D and engineering ranks here in the Silicon Valley, because you knew you could take advantage of cheaper salaries in the developing Asian markets. Yes, you could, and you saved money, but at what cost? It was recognized corporate strategy, but was it right? Was there no other way? And, of course, all the time you were drawing down some ridiculously inflated salary. And your M&A activity? What was that about? Did you really honestly think it was necessary to create a sustainable business? Really? Or were you just playing the "measuring" game (and you know what I'm talking about).

And, finally, Carly, you sure do know something about taking care of people -- yep, that $21,000,000 walk-away package you got really showed how you took care of yourself. After firing/laying off/getting rid of/restructuring thousands of folks here, it takes one heck of a lot of chutzpah -- and no discernable morality that I can see -- to insist on, and accept, that package. I personally am having a hard time looking at you on TV and feeling anything except disgust.

And don't even play the breast cancer card. Just don't. You are too smart for that.

In fact, I think you'd be really really good at charity fund-raising. It's needed and it will serve society. Oh, and I really think it would be even better if you started educating yourself on current issues and -- yeah -- voting. In every damn election. It's free to vote, you know. And you can do it by mail, in case you don't want to mingle with the peasants. . . er, the unemployed . . . you know, us folks who got reorg'd out or whatever, and didn't get any damn $21Million bye-bye present. Just, please, don't blow smoke up our butt about how "macha" you are and how you're going to "make government smaller" (you do realize, don't you, that you cannot outsource government to Malaysia, like you did for many functions at HP, yes?), blah blah blah... You may be a government "outsider", but many of us have heard it all before. Sounded hollow then, sounds worse now.

Just sayin'

Cognitive Dissonance

Episode One: In the airport shuttle, going back to the South Bay after two weeks in England... What's with this warm weather and the bright sun? And why are we on the wrong side of the road? And why are all the cars so BIG?

Episode Two: In front of the market this afternoon. There are Halloween pumpkins and a huge display of pineapples. Somehow doesn't seem right to me.

Conclusion: Jet lag does funny things to my mind!

Saturday Night...

... and all is well (I think). Good dinner (thank goodness for pre-cooked, microwaveable pot roast), first Cal football game is on TV, the kittens are "helping" me with my latest sewing project (the first in months and months and months) (maybe the depression is lifting), it's not beastly hot, and I'm just kind of floating.

I did have milk and cookies (yes, really) at 5PM with The Spouse (our ritual), but pretty immediately followed up with a very lovely Cosmo. I figure the milk and the graham crackers coated my stomach. And a nice glass of Pinot Grigio with dinner. Yum. Maybe I'll get some energy and m-wave some dessert for the old man... What the heck...

Got a fair amount accomplished today, thanks be. Washed the bed linens (where the kittens have been nesting -- ergo my itchy eyes), went to the bank, the post office, the market, the hardware store, and the fabric store. Shredded stupid old papers that just made me sad (filled up a lawn and leaf trash bag with THAT crap), and that's a weight off my soul.

I am having good luck with the exercises my dentist gave me for my rather painful TMJ issues. Now, when I do it, pressing gently on my jaw, it tends to click back into its proper position. Amazing how that eases the pain! But, I have a feeling it'll be a long haul. The dentist said it's all probably due to "rolling tension"... ??? (As in, "If it's not one thing, it's another"???) Oh, well... If this doesn't work, there is Plan B... More exercises and maybe some Valium at night, to reduce the spasm in the muscle that's causing everything to move out of its proper position.

Well, I feel that I should be opining on the great issues of the day, but I'm too tired to get into it. There are some pretty good back-and-forth discussions on Facebook, though, which are fascinating. A good diversity of opinion, and a bunch of stuff I don't necessarily agree with. But, so far, pretty civil... Amazing!

And, speaking of civil (or not), what about that guy who got his finger (well, the tip of his finger) bitten off at a health care demonstration? What in the world was THAT all about??? Sounds like a nursery school run amok! Jeez...

Well, Boston (the black kitten) is now laying down square in the middle of my cutting board, and attempting to loll on the cut-out pieces for the shoe bags. Silky, slithery satin -- I can't blame her!

OK, it's probably a good time to take a break and go do some knitting and make the dessert. Bad idea to cut and/or sew when one is tired, and after one has consumed both a Cosmo and a glass of wine. :-)

Hope all of you are having a restful and thoughtful (and safe) Labor Day weekend. Remember, without the organized labor movement, and a confluence of other factors, this holiday (and, by the way, the two-day weekend itself) would not exist. (If it didn't, how would we know when to stop wearing white shoes?)

Cheers!

As Dorothy Said...

It's true, there is no place like home (for better or worse). The Spouse and I just got back from a week in Eugene, Oregon -- we were there to work on a rental property we own. It needed some things done (not huge, but lots of little stuff), and I have not been pleased with the quality or the pricing for work performed by the property management company. When I was quoted $1,300 for installing a ceiling ventilation fan in the master bathroom, I rebelled. One thing led to another and, before you know it, we (The Spouse and I) decided that we could do all the work needed, and it would be done right. (The bathroom ceiling in the house looked like some bizarre cave with mineral deposits hanging down from it... don't ask...)

So, we packed the SUV to the brim with every bit of stuff we figured we'd need, had three ladders strapped to the top, and off we went. We even shlepped a TV with us (!), for entertainment. Yes, including a digital converter box and rabbit ears (antenna). It's a lovely drive up Highway 5 through Northern California and Southern Oregon, and the weather was fine, thank goodness. We left in the afternoon, stayed overnight in Yreka, and rolled into Eugene in time to get a fair amount of work done on Day One.

Long story short, we worked our collective butts off! Our lovely daughter drove down from Portland, to help out. She's such a treasure! We scraped, patched, sanded, primed and painted all over the darn place. The Spouse worked on swapping out all the electrical outlets (which were quite ancient), poked about in the dark, dank, and junk-filled basement (a delightful experience), and worked himself up into a swivet about all the things that really do need to be done to the house. It's an older house, built (I think) in the 1940s or late 1930s, and needs a fair amount of TLC to bring it up to date. But it has good lines, and a solid design, and a lovely "feel" about it. Some strange things have been done to it over the years, but nothing that couldn't be fixed with a moderate investment of time and money.

We enjoy Eugene, and are toying with the idea of moving there... It would kill us to leave the SF Bay Area, but Eugene is not a bad alternate. It's close to Portland (which is a GREAT city), an hour from the ocean, a few hours from the snow/mountains, a college town, not too big (and not too small), and cheaper than where we live now in the Silicon Valley. We would miss all the friends we've made here, terribly, but the folks in Eugene are quite friendly, too.

The worst thing about being away for a week was that we missed The Kittens terribly! My former secretary was kind enough to come by and look after things, so my mind was at ease. But, when we got home, The Kittens went berserk! In fact, they jumped around on top of us all night! (The next night, we did kick them out of the bedroom...)

I've made it through all the dirty laundry we dragged back with us, sorted out the stuff we hauled up and back, cleaned the kitchen, went grocery shopping, and things are generally settled down again.

The thing that made a big impression on me was living a week with: no cable/satellite TV (just good old broadcast), no microwave (aaaccck!), and no Internet access. What spoiled babies we are... Luckily, I grew up in the "old days", so I know how to boil water for tea, and how to occupy my hands at night, when it was too dark to work on the various chores. (It really did feel a tad like "Little House on the Prairie"...) But, we survived. Duh, of course we did!

So, that's the most exciting thing we've done recently. I am grateful to be home, safe, in a great area. I am thankful that we are not close to any of the horrible fires that are ravaging California right now, and that my cats are healthy and didn't commit any irremediable offenses while we were gone...

I wish all the best to all of you, too. Cheers!

Why is tennis like long division?

I don't know, why... Because it's learning a new and seemingly difficult and impenetrable skill for me, and I'm reacting just like I did in fifth grade... badly! I'm sulking, occasionally get teary-eyed, and sometimes stomp off the court and sit down in a foul humor. However, thus far I have not cheated (as I did on one test in fifth grade and famously got totally busted by the teacher).

Of course, now, long division is as easy as breathing for me. You just take it step by step, remember the basics (i.e., basic math), and it all turns out beautifully. I do it by hand often (i.e., no calculator), and it's just fine -- sometimes I do it in my head. I forget, of course, all the pain and suffering and bitching and moaning it took to get me here...

When I am on the court, practicing on my basic shots (forehand and backhand), I go through my checklist (in my head): where is my arm, what is my body posture, what is the orientation of the racquet, where in the trajectory of the ball ought I hit it, etc., etc. And, still, I often end up hitting the ball with the rim of the racquet, or otherwise just screwing it up. Blast! But, there are a lot more good shots coming out of me these days than in prior months. So, I guess that's progress. But I am still way too hard on myself... Really, I must stop that.

I love this blog. It's like a diary, but I feel some sort of odd obligation to write things for this -- with a diary, I say, "Oh, I'll do it later"... Not that anyone reads this, but I fancy that occasionally someone does. I hope it's good friends, who will (generously) listen to me blather on about things.

OK, I'm off to attempt to get some chores done. Ha! (Something is going on with me -- I'm totally exhausted all the time, and get tired way too easily. The doctor -- who ran every test in the world on me -- says there's nothing wrong. Humpf. What do they know...)

Everyone out there, be good to yourselves!

Nothing, Zip, Nada...

... And, sometimes, that's the way it needs to be! Just kicking back all day, futzing around, doing chores, and basically bouncing along. OK, I did get totally whipped up today due to (1) reading the Sunday papers, (2) cruising the 'Net and reading the news, (3) listening to the Sunday news shows, and (4) listening to NPR stories. The country is so f'd up, on so many issues, I can't stand it. Now, don't get me wrong, I adore the Prez, and so glad he's in office, you have no idea. But, how can he possibly deal with the MESS that the bozo brigade (W and his cronies, in case you've been living in a cave) left oozing on the floor.

Ah, don't get me started. The Spouse and I went out for pizza tonight -- could have knocked me over with a feather when HE suggested it. I ate myself into a stupor, of course, and am not regretting it. I shall have to be moderate in my eating this whole week to pay for my indulgences today. Well, too bad... It was worth it...

Other than that, the kittens are being as cute as ever, I'm starting to nod off, and The Spouse is -- again -- looking at who knows what on EBay... I only hope it doesn't cost us money.

I'm sure I'll be far more witty tomorrow. Or not.

One Year Later... Holy Patoley!!!

It occurred to me yesterday that it was (yesterday) one year since my last day at The Company. Wow, this year has FLOWN by! Both The Spouse and I agreed it's gone by very very quickly. This morning, I'm sitting here, cruising the 'Net, sipping my tea, getting ready to go hit the tennis ball, laughing at the kittens' antics, and thinking . . . hey, it's OK. I'm still pissed (a bit), but it's OK.

More on this theme later. Maybe.

Have a great day!

Random Thursday Musings

Sorry, this is going to be a long post. I am "in the zone" today, feeling good, and just want to share/ramble...

Apparently, I have a "thing" about jellyfish... They just fascinate me! There was a story on NPR this morning to the effect that it is now believed that jellyfish churn up the water when they rise from the depths to feed at night; that is, they bring cold water up with them, and bring warm water with lots of carbon dioxide (?) back down with them when they descend. What is being discussed in certain circles is whether this phenomenon has any impact on global warming and/or whether it ought to be factored into computer models of climate change issues. Anyway, the photo in this post was on the NPR website this morning. I really really REALLY like images of jellyfish. (There's a whole load of those images on my flickr.com account -- taken when I visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium, and they had the jellyfish exhibit going on.) I think they are mysterious, lovely, enigmatic, graceful, and all things lovely. I just never want to get stung by one!

The Mayan calendar, December 21, 2012 and the end of the world, or whatever. Have you heard about this one? Apparently folks who study this sort of thing (i.e., the Mayan calendar) say that the last day of the calendar is 12/21/12 (lots of 1's and 2's) (hmmm). It's unclear whether this means the world will end on that day, or what the heck will happen. I blame NPR, again, for bringing this up. Those who know say this date (12/21/12) coincides with a projected sun spot/sun flare big to-do. That solar activity could (note: "could") cause extreme upsets in the Earth's communication systems, resulting in all heck breaking loose. Others who worry about this sort of thing say, nope, this is the end of it all. However, the better theory is that extreme hoo-hah will happen (no Apocalypse), resulting in (best case) a spiritual re-birth for humanity. At one point in the story, there was a reference to that date being the end of the Age of Pisces and the beginning of . . . the Age of Aquarius! New spirituality, etc., etc. There are folks who are already forming groups with the aim of being ready, spiritually, when the AofA starts. I will put the date in my iPhone calendar, with adequate pre-reminders. We shall see. (Ought I start stockpiling anything now? Canned goods? Knitting supplies? Batteries?)

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm in touch with my best friend from elementary and junior high school. We sort of lost touch in high school (she went to a different all-city school than I did), and didn't see each other again for years and years; we ran into each other when I was living in Berkeley, going to law school. She was there, with her husband and baby (who just got married) (now, not back then); I think her husband was doing something with the Lab or the University or something. Anyway, we saw each other then, and somehow once again drifted apart. Long story short, we're now in touch semi-regularly (not as often as she or I would like). She lives in Texas (!), and I have no idea when we'll actually lay eyes on each other again. As noted, her elder daughter got married about a month ago; she was kind enough to forward lots of photos, I wrote a nice note, and said (among other things) that we are lucky to have fallen back into a very easy communication, just like we were back in fifth grade, whining about our very nasty teacher. Well, last night, SKM (that's her) (my friend, not the teacher) wrote me an email, reminding me that, back in fifth grade, we really really disliked the teacher, and we made a voodoo doll of her, complete with pretty heavy spell. (We were very creative little kids.) Lo and behold, the teacher had a heart attack and was out for most of the year. My friend apparently felt very guilty about that; me, not so much (or at least I don't recall feeling very guilty). I had totally forgotten about the voodoo doll episode. Good lord... My friend is a teacher now, and I'm sure that, regardless of what she thinks, she ought not be worried that her students would do a voodoo doll of HER!!!

SKM also has stayed in touch, or gotten back in touch, with another one of our buddies from way back when. CH lives in Brooklyn now, and we finally hooked up via email. I am so lucky to be able to contact old friends. Really. I'm in pretty much daily email contact with my BFF from high school. She's one of those people who knows me so well, sometimes better than I know myself. I adore her to bits, and wish we lived closer. (She's in Massachusetts, I'm in California...) And, by the way, thank goodness for Facebook. Really. I'm now in touch with folks from high school, folks from my past lives, and all kinds of new friends. It's great. I love it. I am so very lucky... We can "chat" with each other without the need to be in the same time zone, or even on line at the same time. I adore seeing everyone's comments and postings. Makes me feel like we live on the same block, just like in the old days!

The flu... So, the H1N1 virus is still lurking out there. In today's SFGate, there was an article/blog posting by their on-staff medical person, talking about the coming flu season. Her analysis of the H1N1 virus scared the bejeezus out of me, I can tell you. This bug (if she's right) is a nasty little thing, and different enough from the "regular" flu virus that it's going to give people fits if and when it starts spreading during the upcoming flu season. However, since I'm on the older side of the time line, I apparently am in a better place, risk-wise, than a younger person. That is, really, so unfair. I was all ready to go and get my will re-done quickly, but perhaps I better be nagging my daughter about taking care of herself! I urge all of you to go find out about this little phenomenon, and take precautions. WASH YOUR HANDS! It drives me nuts when I see people not washing enough. My spouse is guilty of this. He'll wash when he's been futzing around with mucky stuff on his cars, but not nearly enough during indoor activities. But that's a lost cause (i.e., me nagging him)...

Music in the kitchen is a great thing. For years, I've been brooding because I don't have a stereo hook-up in the kitchen. I have an iPod (of course) (doesn't EVERYONE???), and there's all kinds of wonderful radios and other electronic thingies that are designed to dock an iPod in, so you can listen to your music. However, for reasons that are unclear to me, I never got my act in gear and bought one. (No, I don't know why.) A couple of years ago, I did buy my husband a clock radio/alarm/iPod dock thing, but it never worked very well for him, and he ended up not using it. I thought we had thrown it away, but recently found it in The Great Heap. I put it in my (lovely new) kitchen, charged up the iPod, and it works just fine! Earlier today, I was dancing around the kitchen, my music blaring away, and it was lovely! The spouse, of course, does not appreciate my fine taste in popular music (!), so I have to turn it off when he's around -- he turns on the TV and that's that. (Our family room and the kitchen are really one big space, and I enjoy spending time with him, and he enjoys watching TV, so there you go...) Anyway, I'm thrilled to have both my music (on my iPod) and a working radio in the kitchen. I am an NPR addict -- I'll fess up to that -- and sometimes watching endless loops of cooking shows and tart-up-my-house shows on TV gets a tad old.

I am so proud of some of the Republican senators... Particularly Lamar Alexander and Lindsey Graham, for their statements in support of confirming Judge Sotomayor for the US Supreme Court. Both those senators disagree with Judge Sotomayor's positions on certain issues (at least their perceived views of her positions), but say she's qualified in terms of education, ability, experience, whatever, and that's that. Yes... Finally, some grown-ups in Congress. Amazing.

And, speaking of grown-ups, I love the idea of the "beer summit" that the Prez is holding with that feisty Harvard professor who got arrested a couple of weeks ago, and the cop who arrested him. (You all have heard about that story, yes?) (If not, please just shut down your computer and go watch "American Idol" -- there's nothing I can do for you.) Anyway, yes, who knows what really happened and who was acting like an idiot. Probably both of them. And, getting together to drink a beer is just such a guy thing. (But do we really think Obama drinks Bud Lite? Really? I'm thinking he's totally a Stella Artois guy...) Anyway, yes, as someone from the Anti-Defamation League (I think) said, we all need to talk to each other. A lot. We all have prejudices and expectations and influences that affect how we interact with each other. I have been thinking about this a lot, particularly during the Sotomayor confirmation hearing kabuki set piece. OF COURSE we all act in accord with our conscious and unconscious positions, thoughts, ideas, and prejudices. Duh... It's OK, it's fine. But we need to be mindful of them, and be sure to honor them (or not) and acknowledge that they're there... And, maybe, sometimes, tell them to go sit on the sofa and shut up. Maybe we should all have a "beer summit" with someone we're not totally comfortable with. What a thought.

This whole hoo-hah reminded me of a block party (in my neighborhood) I attended some years ago. (If I've already told this story, work with me.) As many of you know, the city/town in which I live, here in Silicon Valley, is about 2/3 Asian these days. Chinese, mostly, but lots of Indian families, a smattering of Russians, some Israelis, some Japanese, and goodness knows what else. And some of us run-of-the-mill white folks. Anyway, at this block party, there was a good ethnic mix. I ended up, at one point, sitting next to a gentleman of Chinese ethnic heritage. I cannot, now, remember if he was an ABC (American-born Chinese) or born overseas (either in Hong Kong, Taiwan or on the mainland). We did the who are you dance, realized that we both had kids in the local high school (predominantly Asian), and started talking about the school. Long story short, we were both not too happy with the amount of pressure the kids were put under, the amount of homework, etc., etc. I think I said something about well, it's well known that Chinese parents put so much pressure on their kids. He seemed surprised, and then said, "Well, we always thought it was the white parents who wanted all this!" Nothing like talking to each other... We all should do a lot more of it... And that includes spouses, life partners, dating couples, friends, parents and children, whatever. Just my five cents.

OK, I think I've run out of steam. Thank goodness for my blog. I'd keep a diary, and I've tried it, but it seems so . . . blah . . . Perhaps the thought that others might -- MIGHT -- read what I have to say drives me to organize my thoughts, and actually write stuff. Who knows.

It's a beautiful day here in SiliValley today, I'm in a good place (i.e., on the positive side of the equilibrium/disequilibrium helix), and the kittens are napping somewhere (probably on my pillow). Life is good. I may have one of those cupcakes I stashed in the fridge last night.

Have a good one, everybody!

Catching Up...

So, everything is in an uproar and OK, all at the same time. The kittens are fine (a bit traumatized, however, after a trip to the Humane Society for their follow-up vaccinations), The Spouse is fine (working on his projects, including his cars), everything in the kitchen is fine and working as it should (thanks be) (OK, there's a little chip in the edge of the sink -- blast!!!), the weather is gorgeous (absolutely no caveats here), we fixed the color issue on the TV which popped up when we moved it back into the family room (a loose cable on the magic box) (easily fixed), the laundry is done (for the moment), and the new carpet got installed this morning.

However, work still needs to be done in the two rooms that got the new carpeting ... A bit of touch-up painting in the guest room (formerly The Graffiti Room), flooring installed in the bottom of the closets in both rooms, shelving replaced in the closet of the guest room, new bed needs to be purchased for the guest room (and also new bed linens -- that will be fun!), furniture needs to be painted for the guest room (I hope the primer will cover the graffiti on the bedside table and the bureau) (grrrrr), curtains for the guest room window (until the new window goes in, and then new plantation shutters), replace the sliding closet doors in the guest room (they got pulled out for painting and other improvements)... I'm exhausted just writing it down!

Of course, part of the carpet installation was cleaning out the two rooms; the photo on this post is my living room, which now looks like a warehouse. I don't even want to go in there and see it... It's going to be a pain in the butt sorting everything out again. I sense a huge garage sale coming!

Then, we get to go play in the kitchen at the Berkeley house... It's coming along, but there is still a lot of mudding and taping and sanding and re-mudding to be done. Then, and only then, we can start thinking about installing the new cabinets. And we still need to deal with the two windows over the sink... It never ends... And that's only the beginning of what needs to still be done...

And, I gave up drinking my nightly Cosmo's, because I think there were far too many calories and/or carbs in that lovely little beverage. I still have a glass of white wine with dinner, but that's it. (I refuse to give up my Friday night Cosmo, though... really, there are limits!)

I know, compared with the wars simmering and/or burning in many areas, floods, earthquakes, plagues, drought, heat, disease, poverty and general misery, this is just pure drivel. I know that, I do... But I just cannot contemplate all that right now. I'm deep in denial, and just sort of drifting. I don't know why. I just am.

So, enough of my petty crap. I need to go do something meaningful. Like going to the grocery store. Really.

On the upside...

See photo, above. I may be in a funk about the amount of detritus strewn around my house, but AT LEAST I am not facing a plague of giant jellyfish. Apparently, they are infesting the Sea of Japan. IMHO, this is way too creepy for me. I went to the jellyfish exhibit at the Monterey Aquarium, and they were too cute -- the jellyfish, that is... (See my photos on my flickr page: http://www.flickr.com/photos/elinorina/...) But this is so definitely NOT a cute little jellyfish...

As you can see, I'm really trying to find the upside of everything. Really, I am. I swear.

However, sometimes, it's harder than usual. I had a very very very vivid dream last night, about my leaving The Company. I've had a number of these dreams; my therapist would probably say I'm still processing the whole trauma of leaving the best job ever. And, let it be noted, not by my own choice. Hey, I still have dreams about things that happened years and decades ago, so I'm not the type to "let go" easily or quickly (obviously). The Spouse says he doesn't understand how I don't remember things... he does, and it creeps me out, the amount of detail he pulls out of his head... But, au contraire -- I do remember things, truly... just not the same things that HE remembers. I remember things from kindergarten, early elementary school, various points in my youth, horrible things from my early adulthood (oh, the horror of my stupidity), and shining moments from random points in my life. I figure I just ditch those things I don't need to remember, and keep the rest.

Anyway, the photo of the giant jellyfish really got me going... I do not know why, it just did. I think because if I were fadoodling around in the surf, or if I were snorkeling, and came upon one of these monsters, I don't think I'd EVER go back in the water again! Really!

OK, that's all I want to say on that topic. It's still hot here, so I'm not ready to deal with dinner yet. Maybe it's time for a second Cosmo? Could be...

Saturday Morning

Ahhh, the luxury of sleeping in on a Saturday morning. Even though neither The Spouse nor I are "working" (at a "real" job) any more -- due to layoff, reorganization, whatever -- we decided that we still need to have some structure in our lives, so we set our alarm(s) to go off at 6:00AM and 6:10AM... Not that we actually get up until 7:00AM, but... Anyway, I made an executive decision NOT to set the alarm this morning. It was not a totally irresponsible decision, given that we were out late last night (got home about 11:15PM) (car club meeting) and then mucked about, watched the late TV news, read a bit, and didn't turn the light out until about midnight.

Well, we both sort of woke up about 6:00AM, but somehow (!) didn't finally really wake up and get out of bed until 9:00AM... Such sloth! Most excellent... When I opened the bedroom door, the kittens were patiently sitting there, waiting for The Humans to get with the program. They rushed in and promptly began playing! Boston (the all-black one) is fascinated with water, and tries, every morning, to get into the shower. I open the door and invite her in, but then she realizes what's going on, and decides against sharing the experience. She will, however, play with the running water in the sink... For some reason, she does not appear to worry about getting her paws wet. The other kitten, Philadelphia, is far more cautious, and simply decided to lay on the bedroom carpet in a patch of sun, and look cute as heck.

Both of us -- The Spouse and me -- woke up with headaches. Not from any indulgence last night, for sure, so we think it's maybe weather-triggered (changes in air pressure or other weather phenomena can trigger migranes). He took meds, I'm trying to hold out.

Frankly, I'm in a funk... For some reason, can't quite whip up the usual amount of enthusiasm. Perhaps it's the amount of household crap that needs to get done in the next couple of days, or something. It was easier, perhaps, when I was working at a "real" job -- because I knew I simply had to organize and get things done and there was no wiggle room! There is stuff piled up all over the house, and it's driving me NUTS! However, I am making progress: there are 12 cartons of fabric from my stash ready to go to the local junior college (for their fashion design program), there are tons of goodies set aside for a garage sale (not sure when I'll do that), just got rid of my big microwave (loaned to a friend who's getting her kitchen redone), the two upstairs bedrooms are due to get new carpet soon (yesss!!!) (after 19 years) (don't ask), and every week we get rid of tons of old crap. However, there are still tons left. My daughter is praying that nothing untoward happens to The Spouse and to me, because then she'd be left with one huge heck of a mess to clean up. (At least my lingerie drawers in the closet are neat!)

There's a photo here (above), taken when The Spouse, my daughter and I were in Oregon in June (for her graduation), and we went out to the coast, to Florence, Oregon... That's the feeling I'm searching for today. We shall see.

I wish all of you a FABULOUS weekend!

Weird, Weird, Weird

OK, now I know for sure (viz: Oprah) that I have been married to The Spouse for FAR TOO LONG. Let me tell you why: Last night, I had a dream that I was -- somehow -- talked into driving his Lotus Elise (the little yellow bombshell) in a race; I believe it was at Sears Point Raceway (or whatever corporate moniker is currently attached to that venue). For reasons not made totally clear in the dream, I had gone along with this INSANE idea -- I must have, because we were both at the track, and I had "parked" the car close to the grid, to be ready to form up when the signal was given.

Then, it got strange. (Yes, I know, but work with me on this...) I started arguing with The Spouse, telling him I didn't know anything about driving in a race, I had no idea how to tell I'd finished a lap, I didn't have racing shoes on (just my tennies, which are too clumsy to manipulate the pedals), I didn't know the course, and I couldn't possibly see out of the helmet! He just kept "there-there'ing" me, telling me it would all be fine, and not to worry.

At this point, I'm getting seriously worked up... The people who supervise the race are there, and not apparently worried that they can't see a good part of the track and that this newbie -- me -- is about to wreak havoc on the track. For some reason, there were a lot of women drivers for the race -- I was in the paddock, pitted next to a very nice lady, and her little girl was there (being held by her dad), and I started talking to the little one, before I realized that I was scared s**tless!

I had just about talked my spouse into taking my place, and was starting to strip off my racing suit, when I woke up. In a sweat. Jeez!

When I told him about this dream, The Spouse just smiled. Later on this morning, we watched a re-broadcast of today's F1 race, from Germany. He told me to watch what the drivers were doing, and to relax, because it's easy! Go straight, go fast, and don't smack into anyone else. OK, then, how hard could it be? Hahahaha... Look, I won't even drive the 1961 Jaguar sedan because I'm in a panic about what would happen if I smacked into anything (my hand-eye coordination isn't the best any more -- not that it was ever great)...

So, here's the current state of play: He's gotten me to try tennis (and I'm liking it pretty well); he got me to try scuba (on our last trip to Hawaii -- I did sit on the ocean bottom for a little bit -- okay it was only about 25 feet deep but it was real and I had the full scuba kit on); he's gotten me to cut way down on the amount of salt I use on my food (grudgingly); he's gotten me to sleep commando (I know, TMI); and he's gotten me to do all kinds of things I swore I'd never do (but all totally PG-rated)... Why do I think car racing wouldn't be included in that list, at some point?

Well, all I'm saying is, stay tuned...

Forgot to add these

Armfuls of cats... How fun is this!

Humor Me...

Yeah, I know, people posting photos of their pets can get annoying. Humor me on this, though. I've posted so many entries about all my misery and sadness, and bad moods, and all that, so now I have these two new kittens and they make me laugh. Like human babies, and babies of other species, these kittens are just THERE... they're either going at a million miles an hour, or sound asleep, out cold. If they're mad, they hiss; if they are happy (or what we believe is happy for a kitten), they purr; when they're hungry, they meow (really loudly, given their size). How cool is that? No prevarication here... I'm not wild about the scratches I have all over me, as they try to climb up my body, but what the heck. And they've knocked over everything that can be knocked over, but nothing has broken... yet...

Yesterday, Boston (the black one) discovered the broom, as I was sweeping the floor. She apparently thinks it's just a huge new toy, meant to amuse her and present her with "prey" (huge dust bunnies). She's the more aggressive one of the two -- chases Philly (aka Fearless aka Philadelphia) (I hate that name) -- and the more curious of the two. I have a feeling, however, that the other one isn't far behind. I think there's probably a couple/few weeks age difference between them, and at this age, that has a huge impact.

As I mentioned on my Facebook post earlier today, we don't have (human) grandchildren (yet) (please god), so we're doting on the kittens. How predictable is that! I don't want to turn into one of those weird old women who think their cats (or dogs) are their children, so please don't expect constant posts on the furry ones.

But, today, I just couldn't help myself. I blame the headache (now in its second consecutive day)...

Have a great day!

Happy...

I just realized, sitting here, fadoodling around on the 'Net, that I'm actually pretty happy. This may not seem like much, but when one considers where I've been, emotionally and psychologically, for the past couple of years, that is saying a lot. By "happy", I don't mean hey whoo-hoo jumping up and down, but rather, I think, content. The absence of angst. The absence of drama. The absence of crisis.

My therapist is great. I've been seeing her since The Misery started, and one of the skills she told me to work on, a long time ago, was "changing the tape" or "changing the channel" when the negative thoughts start, and the visions of you-know-who with Saigon Barbie start. It was so very hard, at first, to tear my brain and my heart away from the dark side, but eventually it got easier. These days, the negative thoughts only pop up occasionally. When they do, there is the temptation to indulge in them -- kind of like emotional or mental masturbation, I guess -- but I also realize that it's just not good for me. The past is the past, and there's not a damn thing I can do to change it. The present is all I have. And, as far as I know, The Spouse has left his obsession with that slut behind. I hope. I still don't understand the whole thing, but I suppose I'll never understand it.

Whatever.

Today, I'm good. I look good, I feel good. My hair is good, my face is good. I play tennis a lot, and I'm not terrible. (Not great, but not terrible.) I have good health (other than the osteoarthritis which is getting more intense each day), as far as I know. I have food in the cupboard, I have lovely clothes in the closet. I have two great kids, and one of them is a daughter who's the light of my life. She's a lovely young woman, and I'm so proud of her. She'll do fine in life. I have money in the bank, even if I don't have a job (thanks be for unemployment insurance). I have a roof over my head, and enough money in savings to pay off the mortgage if that's what I think I need to do. Again, thanks be. I have great friends, which is a true blessing. I live in a great place (even if the state of California is more f'd up than any state deserves to be) (and the USA is not too bad). I have a TV, a couple of radios, and lots of books and magazines to read. I have craft projects to futz around with, and cute shoes.

So, hey, why ought I not be happy? Really...

That's what occurred to me today.

Hope all of you are doing well!

Well, it seemed like a good idea...

So, as you all know, we adopted Boston (the all-black kitten) a couple of weeks ago. Our older cat is still in a huff, but the level of hissing and general crankiness has diminished a bit. However, Boston seems lonely. Well, not really, but we thought she might like some same-age companionship. (And, frankly, our older cat is getting odder by the day, so she may yet segue into being an outdoor cat if she doesn't stop peeing and puking all over our house...) (Love her dearly, but...)

Anyway, we made another trip to the Humane Society today, and found Philly... or Feli... or whatever her name is going to be... Her adoption papers called her "Fearless" -- as in, that was the name that was given to her. She was the one kitten at the adoption center who didn't totally freak out when we held her. Unlike Boston, who immediately cuddled and purred and did everything in her power to entice us to take her home, "Fearless" just gave us The Look... She didn't struggle to escape our arms, but she wasn't too keen on us, either. Well, anyway, she's home with us now! She's spent most of the day hiding out, but we've retrieved her from under the sofa a couple of times.

As I'm typing this, there's a bit of hissing going on between the two little ones. Boston came up to whats-her-name, nose to nose, investigating the cute little number who showed up today. However, Fearless did a very female thing and hissed. Great. Another princess...

She's a cutie, but truth be told, I still miss Baby Kitty #1 deeply. Sigh...

Monday Musings

[OK, it's Tuesday and not Monday... Well, I do get distracted!]

Well, first the news regarding Baby Kitty #2; she now has a name: "Boston"... My husband named her, after the old TV detective show, "Boston Blackie". Whatever. It's better than Kia, the name on her adoption papers. (She really looks like a bat, but I could not figure out how to work that into her name...) She's a hoot, totally a kitten, into everything and driving us nuts! This morning, she did the total "attack kitty" routine with our older cat, Special Needs Kitty... The little one slowly crept into the bedroom, where the older cat was lolling on the floor, on her back... The older one saw baby kitty, did some ritualistic hissing, and then ignored her. Baby kitty skittered under our bed, and all was peaceful for a few seconds. And then, pounce! The baby kitty leaped upon the older cat's tail and attacked it heartily. All heck broke loose! The Spouse and I were laughing so hard we could not stand it!

Secondly, we went to the Palo Alto Concours d'Elegance yesterday (Sunday). The Spouse had entered one of his cars (our 1961 Jaguar Mark II sedan) in the show. It would have been a lot more fun had it not been for the fact that it was 90 degrees plus! There's been a horrible heat wave (well, horrible for us) here for the past couple of days, and it was brutal out on the field. Thank goodness we were on grass, at least! The folks on either side of us had the foresight to bring pop-up pavilions with them, and we "borrowed" some of their shade. I also had the foresight to bring a big golf umbrella with us, which did help a bit with shielding us from the sun. But it wasn't really the sun, it was the heat... We survived... Reminded me of why I don't live on the East Coast any more! Today it's still pretty hot, but not quite. We close up the house in the morning, keep the fans on, and at night it's fine -- we open up the windows and doors, and we sleep nicely. One thing which never happened in NYC while I was growing up was cool nights -- the cement and the asphalt held the heat and it was miserable. Unless there was a rainstorm/thunderstorm, in which case it did cool down a bit. Our house here in Northern California backs up onto a creek (which really isn't much of a creek -- only a trickle in the bottom of the gully unless it's been raining) and lots of trees, so we're lucky that there's lots of green and moisture which helps at night. One of the uncertainties about my/our future is where we'll live -- we love it here, and we're not sure where we'd find another place that's so congenial.

Third, our daughter arrived back home this afternoon (Monday), from Oregon, for a week's stay. (That's as long as she can tolerate us, she says.) She graduated from the University of Oregon earlier this month, and is winding down her job, and will be moving to Portland, Oregon at the end of July. It's a wonderful thing to have her back in the house -- she's quite a presence, and we miss her terribly. But I'm also so very proud of her, for becoming such a lovely young woman, and thrilled that she's striking out on her own. I guess I can't turn back the clock and make her three years old again, can I... We are planning a few activities, including re-painting her room (to get rid of the graffiti inflicted on it by her brother and his friends in an as-yet-unexplained episode of drunken idiocy), and perhaps going out to the beach.

Other than that, just cruising along. My long-time BFF, who lives in Massachusetts, has told me I've turned into a true suburban princess... Perhaps! But, it is time to go get ready for tennis!

So Sad...

Farrah, and Michael. Two fabulous stars, one going with dignity, one just slipping off after decades of weirdness. But, still, sad on both counts. And, the "Let's Go To Argentina" governor -- the less said about that one, the better, as far as I'm concerned... it just hits too close to home for me, and I'm still pretty damn sore about what's gone down in my own life over the past two years. And, perhaps, is still going down. What is with these guys who feel compelled to write wonderful, lyrical, romantic emails to their . . . other women (I was going to call them "whores" but that's too broad) . . . but yet not show (probably) the same tenderness to their spouses? Really...

But, let me not get off topic. As I'm now in my 60s, I think a lot about the next step in my journey (i.e., dying/death). I'm not particularly afraid of it, as it comes to all of us. I am afraid, I guess, of meeting death in a painful, awful, ugly way... like getting shot on the sidewalk by some sub-human who's just out to rob someone... that would be sucky. More for their bad karma (and my last fear) than anything. And, since I fly a lot, I do worry about going down in a plane; I hope if that's in the cards for me, that it's quick in any event. I brood about this. Farrah had time, we hope, to prepare. Michael, perhaps, did not. Farrah is just about my age, Michael was only 50... Fifty years old seems so very young, from where I sit these days!

I've been thinking about my life, so far, and how I feel about it all. I've really f'd up, big time, more than once (actually, numerous times), I've done lots of good things, but I haven't done as much as I should have, and I've caused a lot of pain to people who didn't (really) deserve it. I've been thoughtless, and thoughtful; I've been stingy, and generous; I've been callous, and compassionate. I think I've been repaid adequately for the pain I've inflicted -- but that's not my tally sheet to keep. I've done my best to be a good human being, and have fallen short many many times. Isn't that the essence of being human?

I've tried to be a good spouse to my husband, in the face of his failings and infidelities and dishonesty. I at least can look myself in the mirror each morning and each night, and feel good about what I've done. What he does, in his twisted mind and on his own time (thinking I don't know about it), is his issue, not mine.

I've come to realize that I can't "own" others' behavior -- e.g., my husband's, my son's... I need to work harder about not taking, on myself, their actions -- they need to own that crap. It's particularly hard when people bitch to me about my son's behavior... you KNOW people judge you by what your children do (or don't do). That's hard to take. I need to stay focused. As for my spouse's behavior, well, he did blame me for setting the stage for it, but it's still his decision to do what he did, and to continue to do what he's doing. I've done what I can do. I probably fall short daily, but not for want of trying.

So, I hope that when Farrah and Michael get to wherever it is that we go after we "pass", they can answer whatever questions are posed to them, and that they won't be judged (or judge themselves) too harshly. To fall short is part of the human condition. But, we have free will to try and do better. It's that free will that I personally try to tap into, daily. Some days, I think I've done OK; some days, not so much. Luckily, I've been waking up to a new day each day, with a new chance to do better. Phew!

Wow, did I go deep and dark here... I think I need another Cosmo!

Cheers!

Welcome Baby "X"

As you will recall, our Baby Kitty (also known as Baby Kitty #1) (I've added a photo of her to the post below, "Just a Cat?") met an untimely end in May. We were devastated. However, life goes on, and we decided we needed a kitten in the house, to pep up Special Needs Kitty (who's 10 years old) (and who was the star of a previous post), and to perk us up. So, we've been looking. We looked on craigslist, we went to adoption fairs at the local pet store, we went to the humane society. After much searching, on Sunday, we went to the local adoption satellite location for the humane society. We figured it is now "kitten season" (I had no idea such a thing existed) so there was a good chance that there would be a good selection available.

We walked into the "cat room", and there was a cage (a large one) with one little, VERY noisy, black kitten. It was hanging on the side of the cage (kind of like Spidey), crying piteously. There was another kitten, in another cage, which intrigued me more, but that one wasn't too engaged. When the black one was let out, and I picked her up, she nuzzled me, cuddled me, and started purring, LOUDLY... (We were told that she had just lost her littermates, so she was a bit "needy"...) I had never even considered adopting a black kitten, and no I don't know why. But I never had. I don't have anything against black cats or black kittens, but it just wasn't something that occurred to me. But, there I was, with the cutest, blackest, noisiest kitten in my lap. My husband also held the kitten, and we both agreed that this was a suitable feline for our family.

So, fast forward about half an hour, and we're walking out of the store, with little "Kia" (the name on her adoption papers) in the cat carrier, howling at the top of her lungs. She's about as big as a minute, but the NOISE is incredible! My husband went to get the car, carrying the cat, and I swear I heard her across this huge parking lot!

We got her home, put the carrier on the floor, and let her out. She was freaked out! Luckily, we have (another ) huge pile of cartons/boxes on the floor in the living room, providing a wonderful "cat condo" for her to hide in/around/behind. She cried and cried and cried, so we ended up holding her for a couple of hours... The older cat came upstairs, saw this little interloper, and booked out of the house faster than I've seen her move in weeks! In other words, totally normal.

We've made it through two nights, with minimal crying. Baby Kitty #2 has learned to leap up/climb up onto the sofa, the cocktail table, the bed, and anything else she can get on. She found the catnip-filled "mousie" that I had bought for Baby Kitty #1, and is hunting it successfully. She flings it around, plays with it, and comes over and drops it at my feet. I then throw it across the the room, and we do this for hours. Until kitten collapses. She tries to crawl into our cereal bowls, bites our shoelaces, walks across our laptops' keyboards, and falls asleep on our laps.

We still don't have a name for her. Nothing has really occurred to us... yet... Frankly, she has the cutest little face, just like a bat. I can't call her "Dracula", probably; however, what about "Bram"? (as in Bram Stoker) My spouse thinks "Boston" is a good name. Don't ask. This is really his kitten, and I think she's identified him as "her" human. Fine with me. I'm not feeling the instant chemistry that I felt with Baby Kitty #1 -- I don't know that I'll ever feel that again... But, she's cute and she's a kitten who wants, needs and deserves a loving home, and we'll provide that.

Ya gotta love it.

Cold Reception...

As many of you know, this past (long) weekend, The Spouse and I were up in Eugene, Oregon, for our daughter's graduation from the University of Oregon. (Some folks refer to it as UC Eugene, but I would never do that...) We were only gone five days, but we had also been gone/out of town a couple of weeks ago, too, and a bit before that... Our cat was NOT amused. My faithful friend, Margaret, was kind enough to come by every day while we were gone, to check on the house and ensure that the cat had food, water, clean litter box and some transitory companionship. But, her human(s) weren't there, and that apparently flipped her out.

When we got back, the cat was very very very clingy, and stuck pretty darn close to us. However, she wasn't about to let us scoot by without letting us know that she is very very very mad at us. See the photo. Ya gotta love cats...

No, I Have Not Been Abducted by Space Aliens

Really, I haven't. I will admit that I haven't been as diligent as I might have been regarding updating this blog, but that seems to be the norm in the blogosphere (or is it the blogsphere?)... Many folks start blogs, thinking they'll be the next supernova in the literary universe, and then, pffft! gone! Well, I'm sort of there, I guess. One of the very valuable bits of advice I got when I started this blog was: write something every day, regardless (even if it's drivel, I guess). Well, I didn't, and I don't. Shame on me.

But, I write many things in my head (!) and have a number of draft postings in various states of progress. So, I guess my heart is pure... Well, as pure as it ever gets! Frankly, I have to say that, since I'm no longer working at The Company (or anywhere else, for that matter), I tend to . . . drift . . . a bit, and that drifting can go on for weeks! I'm not sure what it is I do all day, but I know I'm busy, fiddling and fadoodling around...

However, I really have no more excuses. My daughter has now graduated from college (yea!!!), this past weekend; the situation with The Spouse and I has sort of settled down (fingers crossed); the kitchen remodel is complete and my kitchen is pretty much put back together, and all is well... OK, the sewing stuff is still in huge piles all around the house, but I fear that'll be the situation for months, if not years, so that doesn't count. And the bedroom really does look like a percussion grenade has gone off in there... gotta clean it up ... But, bottom line, it's time to whip myself back into shape and get on with it!

I have three posts that should be up in the next week or so. They are on issues of import to me. I've been posting to my FaceBook page, and I'm twittering (tweeting?) but I'm not sure about that one. (Twitter did reconnect me with one person who was very very important in my life years ago, which is a wonderful thing, so it gets 10 points from me for that...) Perhaps if I had a multitude of "real" (work) projects to work on, I'd post more, since I'd be procrastinating on those projects... Ya think?

This evening, I attended an "alumni" function, sponsored by the law firm I last worked at, before I went in-house. It was good to reconnect with a bunch of folks -- in a way, felt like I never left! And it's been about 20 years... I don't know that I could ever work in a law firm again, frankly, but it was a great way to learn the business and hone my skills. There are lots of really good folks at the firm, and I wish them all well.

OK, that's it for the moment... More to come, I swear!

"Just" a Cat? No way...

Today, we had a very sad loss. Baby Kitty (a lovely cat, gorgeous, with at least three "official" names -- Coffee Badger, Snotspot, and Crema) was hit by a car on the street outside out house, and was killed immediately. I still cannot believe she isn't here, on the sofa, curled up in her spot, loving being close to her humans.

I know some will say, "Well, it was just a cat"... Baby Kitty was so far from being "just" a cat, I can't tell you. It's amazing to me that a little cat -- probably only about nine months old, and weighing maybe five pounds -- could leave such a hole in our lives.

Baby Kitty was a stray, as far as we know. She attached herself to a friend of my son's, in the parking lot of the local community college. As I understand it, she followed the friend to class, and that was it... He had to adopt her... Unfortunately, the friend couldn't keep Baby Kitty, so my son volunteered to adopt her.

When the spouse and I came back from Hawaii last month, we opened the door to our house, and there was this gorgeous little cat. Mostly Siamese, with the most incredible blue eyes I have EVER seen on a cat. She was small, but elegant. Her coat was cream and brown, and she had a black spot by her nose... Leading her to be named "Snotspot" by my son. I objected, because this gorgeous feline could NOT be saddled with such an embarrassing name... I called her "Crema" . . . not anyone's favorite name, but I had to put something down on the vet's paperwork. I could have called her "Latte" or "Frappaccino"... But, she was always just "Baby Kitty" to us...

This cat was extraordinarily attached to her humans. She loved to climb up on your shoulders, and curl herself around your neck, purring madly. If you were sitting in a chair, working on your laptop or whatever, it didn't bother her a bit to leap up on your back, navigate across your shoulders (sometimes right over your head), down your chest, across your lap, and then either keep on going or (as cats will do) lay right down on whatever it is you were working on. She would follow me, or The Spouse, on our daily rounds around the house and in the driveway and elsewhere on the property. She had to be RIGHT THERE with you... preferably, right under your feet...

She was a wonderful guard cat -- constantly on the alert for new folks who were coming into her territory. If she heard the contractors show up in the morning (we're having our kitchen redone), she'd alert us, her ears would go up, and she needed to fly out the door to inspect them, and whatever goodies they might have in their truck...

When I would wash the dishes, she'd run into the room, and flop down by my feet, or get up on the sink -- who knew what exciting things might happen, involving soap and water! When I'd water the plants in the garden, with my watering can (with the sprinkler attachment on the end), she'd be right there, trying to figure out what was going on, and liking the wet leaves... When I got into the bathtub, she'd get up on the rim, sit on the rim like the majestic feline she was, a dead ringer for some ancient Egyptian god-cat, and try to figure out what that mysterious thing was that stood between her and the ledge inside the tub (hint: it was water)... And, at dinner time, when I banged on the can of wet food, she'd come flying in from whatever adventure she'd been on, howling like a starved demon... After scarfing down her dinner (as well as the portion of wet food I'd put in the other cat's bowl), she'd jump up on the sofa with The Spouse and me, and curl up in "her corner", to lick herself, and finally just curl up for a blissful sleep. In the morning, if she was not allowed into the master bathroom (to wrestle the bath mat into submission and try and figure out why we were standing under a falling water stream), she'd cry and howl... And, if there were clean clothes folded on the bed, that was the best thing of all... a ready-made nesting place!

She recently discovered lizards -- small ones -- and was enchanted to find out how much more fun they were than fake fabric catnip-stuffed mice! She'd hunt bugs, too, and was starting to eye the birds that flock in the trees around our house. I don't know if she had yet discovered the deer that come down the creek each day...

Baby Kitty was pretty much all Siamese, as best as I can figure. She was sleek and elegant, and had the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever, ever seen on a cat. She was, all in all, gorgeous. I've had beautiful cats before, and Miss Pudge (our older cat) is pretty darn sleek herself (if a tad large), but Baby Kitty was . . . well, not sure . . . a stunner... She was a loving cat... I'd say she was almost dog-like in her attitudes, but that would surely piss off either the cat lover contingent or the dog lover contingent... She was the most mellow cat I've ever held... she'd just lay in your arms, not try to wiggle out, and let you futz with her to your heart's content... I shall miss her terribly...

So, "just a cat"? Hmmm, I think not. That's like saying, "just a best friend", or "just a husband", or "just a piece of my heart"... She livened up this house like a force of nature. She got Miss Pudge to move around again, after our really really old cat wandered off to a better place a few months ago... She wiggled her way into The Spouse's heart... She even got me to be a gibbering, cat-talking-to slave...

I sat with her in my lap for a while, before she was buried, stroking her, and telling her she was the best little cat ever, and the sweetest girl, and the prettiest kitten... She was still warm... I think she would have liked it, laying in my lap, in the gentle sun, under the trees, with a slight breeze... She is buried, wrapped in a beautiful blue towel that matches her eyes, in the corner of our garden, under the Japanese maple, behind the camellia bushes, close to the new azalea bushes that she was busily investigating just yesterday. There are dragonflies, and birds, and lizards to chase... I hope her soul (I'm sure cats have souls) (at least this one did/does) is enjoying her eternal play there... She'll always be in my mind and my heart, leaping through the vinca plants in the back of the house, pouncing on the bugs in the azaleas, and helping me dead-head the rhododendrons...

So, no, she was most definitely NOT just a cat. Like any beloved person in one's life, there will never be another like her. We miss her.

Mother's Day and Me...

I was going to title this post "Ruminations on Mother's Day", but I used that big word on the last entry... Can't keep doing that...

So, today, I was thinking about being a mom. You know, when I was little, I never, ever thought about growing up, getting married and having kids myself... No doubt a result of my really miserable mother-child interactions as a kid. I did have a fantasy about being a kindergarten teacher, however... I really liked little kids, even when I was a young thing... (Maybe that was some deeply-hidden and disguised maternal instinct...) Anyway, I grew up, led an aimless (but exciting) life, and finally got married, again, at the ancient age of 32... Then, boom! The breeding instinct kicked in with a vengence! My husband and I never really discussed having children (at least as I recall), so it's unclear to me, sitting here right now, years later, how it was that I ended up getting pregnant. (Don't make any smart-alec replies, please, I'm not talking about the physical aspects of it...) But, I do remember checking the pregnancy test strip and feeling very weird when it showed "pregnant" ... Weird... Totally... Like, this can't really be happening... I don't think I was sick with my first pregnancy; in fact, I recall feeling wildly, hugely sexy, powerful and energetic! (I have photos of me, pregnant, and I think I looked a lot like a whale in drag...) I could only eat pizza -- and lots of it -- and drink Coca-Cola... Everything else made me queasy... I don't think I thought, a lot, about the whole transition that was to come, but I can't tell you why. The spouse and I went to all the childbirth prep class, but I thought it was all nothing to do with me.

And then, labor... Holy moley, talk about an eye-opening experience. Enough about that. Long story short, a day later, there I am, with this little thing squealing (quietly) in my arms. I don't think it hit me for a few years what I had done! Really! It just seemed pretty natural and non-dramatic. My son was the dream baby -- I thought all babies were like this, so I got pregnant, AGAIN. My daughter was a TOTALLY different experience from day one. And, it continues to be wildly different with each kid, to this day. If I wasn't totally conscious at both births, it would not seem conceivable that they came from the same set of parents.

Anyway where did I start with this post... Oh, yeah, Mother's Day... I still, sometimes, can't fathom what being a mother is all about. I keep thinking that, at some point, I'll wake up and I'll have a second chance to really be a mom. It has all gone by so fast... One day, they're little neonates, the next day they're all big and graduating college... What's up with that?

I think I've done a good job being a mom, all things considered. I didn't have a great role model, and my husband didn't have a great role model either, in terms of parenting... But, how many people do, really? I wonder about that... There are days I think everyone should go through some sort of (mandatory) parenting class(es)... But, how realistic is that... And, anyway, you never know how good a job you've done, really... I mean, the results last as long as your kids (and their kids) (if any) live... Usually, you're not there to know what's occurred. Or, even if you're alive, you'll never really know... It's kind of like tossing a message in a bottle into the ocean... you just don't know where it'll go, who'll find it, and where and/or when, and what impact (if any) that message will have. Or the message can be destroyed or eaten by a sea creature or whatever... Talk about a cosmic crap shoot...

Am I glad I went ahead and had children? Yes, I am. (Not that it would do me much good if I weren't glad... talk about barn doors and horses...) My children are fascinating to me. They have broken my heart and filled me with such love and joy, I can't even explain it. I don't consider them reflections on me, nor part of me. I think of myself as a vessel, through which they came into the world. They have no obligations to me, other than to be the best that they can be. Their failures are their own, their successes are their own. They are their own people. Individuals, whole and separate. I am thrilled that they seem to love me, and want to talk with me. (Believe me, given my history and my husband's history with our respective parents, that's HUGE...) I hope that they have good lives, find love, and have children if that's what they want to do...

So, yes, Mother's Day... I don't need brunch or flowers or something special. In fact, I cleaned up the tool room at our rental house, and shlepped pipe and wood and generally worked my butt off. It was fine. I cooked a great dinner, and had a nice glass of wine. I'm healthy, my hair looks good, my sense of humor is (basically) intact, and I have relatively full possession of my faculties... All in all, not too bad... Did I call my mom? Nope. Do I feel bad about that? Nope. Never even occurred to me... A shame, really, but that's the hand that was dealt to me. I wonder, sometimes, what cosmic lesson I'm meant to learn from all that...

I hope all of you are doing well, and enjoying the day (well, at this point, the evening)...

Cheers!

Ruminations on time...

So, a few mornings ago, I woke up and lay there, thinking about time. Like, what day was it? And why do the days just seem to slide, one into another, in an endless, immutable, implacable, endless stream... It doesn't matter whether I get a lot done, or just sit around in a haze, or spend my day knitting or crocheting or thumbing through old issues of Oprah Magazine... the days pass anyway...

I had a lot more to say about the issue of time, but that was a few days ago, and by now I've forgotten much of what I wanted to say. Typical. But, today is nine months to the day since my last day at The Company. It seems like a week. My feelings are still quite abraded, and I'm actually (and surprisingly) very very bitter at my boss for the way he handled the whole issue. I wasn't irritated/upset/bitter for the longest time, but perhaps I was suppressing my feelings... (Ya think?) I'm apparently pretty good at that... A couple of days ago, I was driving back home from wherever, and was on the main drag in my city, where many of the buildings which are owned and/or leased by The Company are located. I stopped for a red light and, there in the crosswalk, right in front of me, was my former boss, just kind of schlumping along... He actually looked very small and beaten down, but for the slightest little second I thought, hmmm... what if my car had a malfunction? Bwahahahahaha... Nah, it was just a passing thought... I did, however, feel a surge of irritation, verging on anger, against him and what he did to me. The thing that bugs me, today, is that he totally f'd up my life (money-wise), and I'm pretty sure he didn't give it much of a thought. I'm trying very hard to get past that, but it's harder than it might be, since I'm not having any luck at all finding a job... Thank goodness The Company was good to me, and granted lots of lovely little stock options, and I had the good sense to exercise them periodically over the years and put the money to good use... So, I won't be living under a freeway underpass (at least in foreseeable future), but I still need to make the monthly payments... I mean, thank goodness for state unemployment funds, and thank goodness that The Spouse also is getting unemployment checks, so we're not starving, but...

Anyway, I am TRYING to keep this on a high, philosophical level... Ha! Time, yeah, that's what I was talking about. My daughter is graduating from college in a couple of months, and that is a shocker! These four years have gone by in a flash... I remember when she was in pre-school! And that seems like just yesterday! I think time is just a construct made up by old men, in an effort to mess with our mind... It's all too weird...

OK, nine months since I left The Company. Nine months is a whole pregnancy. When I was pregnant, it seemed like an eternity. But, it seems like yesterday that I walked out of my building, box of possessions in hand, totally devastated... Comparing the months since I left my job to a pregnancy really flipped me out, when I thought about it... I guess grieving takes its own time, doesn't it? I'm still having dreams about being back at The Company, which makes me very uncomfortable, but which I hear is quite normal. I think, if I had a new job, it might be easier. So, Universe, please hear this --- I need a job! Even a part-time or temporary job would be fine, thank you very much... Just something to get me out of this house!!! Aaaaccckkkk!!!

Breathe, that's it... Ommmm.... This is what happens when I'm not busy enough... Tomorrow, I'd pull weeds in the front garden, but it's supposed to rain... Maybe I can get to it before the rain starts? Maybe? Or not...

I am even boring myself tonight. So, enough for now.

Happy Earth Day!

So, today is Earth Day... What should be a totally non-controversial day, you'd think... After all, everyone lives on the earth, and on this issue, we surely will all sink or swim together!

What have I done for the cause? I now use cloth shopping bags when I go to the market -- not good at remembering for other errands, but I'm trying. I keep them all on the back seat of my car, so at least they're available and handy when I drive around. I saw a pattern in my newest knitting magazine for crocheted market bags, that fold up into two little crocheted circle pieces (which are also part of the bag), and you can stuff the bag in your purse, since it's so small. That sounds like a good idea, since it would address the "oops I'm here without a 'green' bag" issue...

We also have swapped out a lot of our incandescent light bulbs in our house for CFLs, and haven't seen any degradation in light. We do have a floor lamp in the big living room that is a halogen one, and that gives off a ton of light, but also a lot of heat. I haven't found a decent floor lamp using or capable of using CFLs that is as good... A particular issue for me, since my night-time eyesight is not as good as it used to be, and I like to be able to read/knit/whatever at night.

What else... We recycle everything possible, although living in the area/country/time we're in, it's not as easy as it might be. We try and consolidate our errands. We are careful about water usage. We don't use our A/C at all in the house, but rely on fans. (Of course, the A/C really doesn't work very well, so why burn the energy at all...)

Yep, we are living saints... Ha! I wish we would/could do more, but we do what we can.

I hope all of you are being so terribly green today... I'm off to find something else to do to support Earth Day... But, it's not yet 5:00PM here, so it won't involve drinking any wine!

Cheers!