The Upside of Anger [not the movie]

So, I never did see that movie, "The Upside of Anger", although my daughter told me the plot. However, for the past couple of days, I've been meditating on the nature and effect of anger on me and the quality of my life. Used appropriately, anger can focus me, and get me to get off my duff and address whatever it is that's gotten me mad. Sometimes, anger has been an appropriate stage in working through an untenable situation; I'm awfully good at sublimating and smiling while boiling inside... Migranes? No worries... Sometimes, though, I do admit to letting the red devils slither out a bit, and I'll lash out, explicitly or by snarkiness or very passive-aggressive comments. I did the last earlier this week. I ought not to have done it, but at the time, it felt awfully good. Well, okay, not good, but at least familiar. Got to stop that.

In my current situation, anger has served to cause the scales to fall from my eyes, and to look at things with a more realistic bent, and to realize that perhaps it's time to move forward on a path I would not have chosen, but which appears to be the path that's been chosen for me. As my son says, I can't cover the sky with my hand. In other words, wake up and look around, and go with the situation. I've tried to move heaven and earth, and change the time-space continuum, and erase the impact of the past... All to no great effect... But, I'm glad I did it, as I can move forward with a clean heart and clean hands. In one of my earlier posts, I talked about things like this... At the time, the path may not be evident, or may look too rocky to tread, or may appear to be a false path; but, in retrospect, looking back, the path is absolutely clear. Doesn't mean it's fun...

The itinerary for my road trip is coming together. If it all weren't so sad, I'd be excited. The checklist of crapola to take with me is growing exponentially. It's going to be a "learning experience"... I hate "learning experiences"...

Hope all of you are doing well.

Rotten Strawberries

I swear, I have the oddest dreams. (Well, I'm sure everyone thinks their dreams are odd, but go with me on this...) So, last night, I had a dream, wherein I was really excited about buying a box of fresh strawberries. They're at the end of the season now (other than berries imported from elsewhere) and I really do miss them, cut up on my morning cereal. (Bananas are great, but they just don't "do" it for me...)

Anyway, I was in the market (in the dream), found a box, and brought it home. Then, when I opened the box, and started picking up the berries, I found that they were all pretty much rotten. Oozing. Almost liquid in their decay. The disappointment and shock I felt was shockingly intense. In fact, I'm still enveloped by that spiritual miasma...

And, of course, being me, I'm sitting here, brooding about what the strawberries represented. I think I know, but I'm resisting finally buying into it. On the up side, at least I'm starting to get in touch with my disappointment and shock, of finding out that things simply aren't what I thought. (OK, I know, this is all shockingly obvious...)

Still trying to wrap my head around the itinerary for my road trip. Where do I go? For how long? Where will I stay? Aaacckkk... I hate planning. And, right now, I'm not doing very well in terms of concentrating on details. And this is not a whoo-hoo road trip... Although I am sort of looking forward to it, I hate the necessity of it. Like most women, when there's a crisis in my life, my instinct is to gather my chicks and nurture my brood, and clean and cook and do nest-building things, in a (vain) effort to put a gloss of normalcy on a situation that's so very broken. This is a real pain in the butt. And, after a whole year of this, I'm just tired.

Speaking of cleaning, I need to go through the huge pile of crap on the counter, and sort it out. Yesterday, spent hours sorting through the stash in my sewing room, in an attempt to cull out of it what I don't want/need. Not too successful. But, I did fill six large garbage bags with things for Goodwill! Very therapeutic, to look at my closet, and see unused hangers!

I hope all of you are well, and have a great Monday!

Truth, Reality, or Whatever

Is it possible, I ask myself, for someone to absolutely believe the reality he's in at the moment, ignoring the other, alternate reality that also exists? Can someone look me straight in the eye, swear he's telling the truth, and really believe it, when I know there's also another truth? Is this crazy-making, or what? Because, at some point, I begin to doubt my own perception(s) of reality and truth, and I am one heck of a grounded person, not likely to mistake fantasy for reality. (Haven't done that in decades...)

I'm working up a real head of steam here, I must say. I really really really dislike being lied to... Of course, lying involves some element of consciousness -- i.e., the liar should, in the ordinary course of things, know (consciously) that he is lying. Otherwise, is it lying? Or just being f'ing crazy? (Rhetorical question...)

Bottom line, it is very frustrating and tiring to work through dealing with these alternate realities and truths and half-truths and mis-truths and goodness only knows what they are. At some point, one of these days, everything will blow sky high and then the fun will begin. Can hardly wait.

Kind of a dark entry, but there you go.

Sigh...

Speaking (as I was, in a former post) of girding one's loins, I'm about to have to start doing that. In an effort to make sense out of where I (and the spouse) are, vis-a-vis the continued viability (or lack thereof) for our relationship, we've decided that I will go off on a road trip for a while -- perhaps about a month (or more) -- to give him (and me) the necessary space to think more clearly. When we're together, or close in geographical terms, we end up together even when it would, possibly, be best to be apart. So, I am going to go visit New Mexico. I've always wanted to go there, but never managed to come up with a good reason to be there. Now, there's nothing holding me back. I don't have a job, the kids can forage for themselves, the spousal unit also can (presumably) fend for himself, and we (he and I) can take a breather. There are a plethora of issues to be worked out (many of which I thought -- in my naivete -- had been resolved), and need to be dealt with in the fairly immediate future. I simply do not have the strength to spend another year, dangling at the end of a noose... Oh, did I say that? Naughty me... But that's what it has felt like.

Without getting into specifics, as there's always plenty of blame to be spread around any time two folks who have been married almost 30 years, any time there's a fracture in the relationship, both he and I need to get past the "want to" stage to the "what is really going to happen" stage. It's terrifically painful, and I'm struggling mightily to NOT descend into the pit of hate and despair. But, it's not easy. Perhaps if I were blessed with some sort of religious faith, it would be easier. Instead, I have a double dose of denial (!) which, let it be said, has seen me through MANY life episodes!

On the up side, I do have sort of an idea of an itinerary, and I'll be communing with my buddy, Karen L., who's from New Mexico, and get some "insider" hints. I'm actually pretty excited. Then, there'll be a few weeks where I'll be at loose ends. And, it occurred to me, I need to do Christmas (and my anniversary and maybe even my birthday) in Paris. Why the hell not? It was kind of a vision thing... Came to me, clearly... I don't necessarily believe in message from the beyond, but this one was pretty strong. OK, yeah, I can do it. I've got my passport, some cash, some decent clothes, and I'm familiar enough with Paris that it won't be like I fell to earth in the middle of some unknown continent. Left Bank, I think... Hmmmm.... Just for a week or 10 days.... How bad can it be?

Time enough when I finally get back to sort out whatever decisions have been made. Then, depending, could be six months to a year of sobbing, or not. Hard to tell. Not at all what I bargained for, let me just note!!!!

OK, time to wash the dishes and haul my sorry self off to bed...

Cheers!

Now the fun really begins...

I personally am thrilled with the results of the Presidential election. What an historic time for this country. I am so proud of the American people as a whole... the engagement of everyone in the campaign (regardless of what side you're on), the turn-out, the engagement of whole sectors who formerly didn't even show up... It was great. I think I've mentioned previously that I get really excited--even, perhaps, giddy-- every time I go to vote. That, to me, is the essence of what America is all about.

Now, we'll need to gird our collective loins, and get down to the hard work. And pray that Obama and his family are kept safe from wackos.

I'll also need to gird my own loins (as it were), and take a few deep breaths, and get ready for my own hard work over the next few months and years. There are going to be lots of changes in my life, most of which I would not have chosen, had it been my choice to make, and although they will be tough, and heart-wrenching, they will be growth-inducing. I will have to keep repeating to myself that everything turns out, in the end, the way it was meant to be. Maybe I wasn't ready for these hard lessons earlier in my life. I'm not sure what the lessons will be, but I'm sure they'll be important. I'm basically a wimp, however, and would far rather just nest like crazy, nurture my family, cook and clean, and make everything "right", when it really will never be "right" again, at least not in the current configuration. Maybe someday there'll be a new "right", and g*d only knows what that will look like. But, day by day, I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and at some point, I'll look back, and see the path.

Ooooh, that's all too heavy. True, but heavy. I need my coffee.

Have a great day, everyone!

A Nail-Biter...

Those of you who know me, know that I'm not great on the issue of waiting patiently for things to work out. This election night is driving me NUTS!!! And, of course, I just get all WHIPPED UP about the fact that the news networks start "calling" states in the East way before the polls close in the West. There's something there that just does not seem fair. When I am queen, we're going to get them to knock that crap off.

What else... Actually got things done today (hooray!), which was a good step forward. A few days ago, while I was driving to the airport to pick up my daughter (who was flying in for the weekend), I took a corner a bit too fast, and the Grande Chai Latte that I had picked up for her tumbled over. Did I notice that? Nope, not until every last little bit had leaked out into the car carpeting. Yuk. So, today, I took out the removable floor mat in the passenger foot well, and actually washed it out in the kitchen sink. The combination of years of dirt and stinky sour milk really perked me up, I tell ya... Now, to tackle the milky residue in the non-removable carpeting. Oh, goodie.

And, what else... I have been brooding on the meaning of the word "betrayal". Such an ugly word but, occasionally, an absolutely accurate one. One of the most painful words in the human lexicon, I think. Perhaps, in time, I can write a reasoned, articulate, non-ranting blog post on the issue of betrayal. All I can say right now is that I am wrestling with the implications of betrayal, and what an appropriate response is. Perhaps the universe was waiting until I was matured sufficiently to address these issues, eh?

Tonight, I'm off for a meeting with the sip-n-sew gang (two members will be absent), to pontificate about the election, and perhaps drink a bit too much (no, probably not), and maybe, just maybe, do some sewing!

I hope all of those of you out there who are reading this got off your respective keesters and VOTED. (It would be lovely if you voted the "right" way, but the most important thing is that you vote.)

Cheers!

Whoo-hoo!

I voted already! Did the early voting thing... Went down to the Santa Clara County Registrar of Voters, which was open today from 9AM to 3PM, and it took a little over an hour. Luckily, we got there early enough in the day, that we didn't need to wait outside on the sidewalk -- we were inside, and got to sit on real chairs! OK, they were folding metal chairs, but better than nothing.

I get very excited when I go to vote. To me, this is the essence of democracy, and really what the US is all about. There were people all around us, who for sure were not US natives, and they were all patient, and anxious to vote, and (as far as I could tell) very knowledgeable about what they were about to do. There were also lots of younger people, and minorities -- both of which I hadn't seen a lot of in the past. (I often do early voting, as it's a great opportunity to hang out and see what the populace is up to...)

Whatever your personal position and/or leanings are, I hope each and every one you (who is eligible to vote) goes out and votes!!! As far as I am concerned, there are very few (if any) valid excuses for NOT voting!

OK, enough of my nudging and nagging.

Cheers!