Sigh...

Speaking (as I was, in a former post) of girding one's loins, I'm about to have to start doing that. In an effort to make sense out of where I (and the spouse) are, vis-a-vis the continued viability (or lack thereof) for our relationship, we've decided that I will go off on a road trip for a while -- perhaps about a month (or more) -- to give him (and me) the necessary space to think more clearly. When we're together, or close in geographical terms, we end up together even when it would, possibly, be best to be apart. So, I am going to go visit New Mexico. I've always wanted to go there, but never managed to come up with a good reason to be there. Now, there's nothing holding me back. I don't have a job, the kids can forage for themselves, the spousal unit also can (presumably) fend for himself, and we (he and I) can take a breather. There are a plethora of issues to be worked out (many of which I thought -- in my naivete -- had been resolved), and need to be dealt with in the fairly immediate future. I simply do not have the strength to spend another year, dangling at the end of a noose... Oh, did I say that? Naughty me... But that's what it has felt like.

Without getting into specifics, as there's always plenty of blame to be spread around any time two folks who have been married almost 30 years, any time there's a fracture in the relationship, both he and I need to get past the "want to" stage to the "what is really going to happen" stage. It's terrifically painful, and I'm struggling mightily to NOT descend into the pit of hate and despair. But, it's not easy. Perhaps if I were blessed with some sort of religious faith, it would be easier. Instead, I have a double dose of denial (!) which, let it be said, has seen me through MANY life episodes!

On the up side, I do have sort of an idea of an itinerary, and I'll be communing with my buddy, Karen L., who's from New Mexico, and get some "insider" hints. I'm actually pretty excited. Then, there'll be a few weeks where I'll be at loose ends. And, it occurred to me, I need to do Christmas (and my anniversary and maybe even my birthday) in Paris. Why the hell not? It was kind of a vision thing... Came to me, clearly... I don't necessarily believe in message from the beyond, but this one was pretty strong. OK, yeah, I can do it. I've got my passport, some cash, some decent clothes, and I'm familiar enough with Paris that it won't be like I fell to earth in the middle of some unknown continent. Left Bank, I think... Hmmmm.... Just for a week or 10 days.... How bad can it be?

Time enough when I finally get back to sort out whatever decisions have been made. Then, depending, could be six months to a year of sobbing, or not. Hard to tell. Not at all what I bargained for, let me just note!!!!

OK, time to wash the dishes and haul my sorry self off to bed...

Cheers!