Welcome to 2009...

I am soooo very glad to be back home in California! I loved being in Paris, but I most definitely did NOT like being cold. Yes, I know, I grew up in New York City, and it was bloody cold there in the winter... That is one major reason I do not live in New York City any more... It took several years after I moved to California for the permafrost to leave my feet! The last full day I was in Paris, I waited with my daughter at the bus stop in front of the Gare de Lyon, where the airport bus stops. We waited about half an hour. I had my new lovely warm boots on, but even the thick rubber soles and the sheepskin innersole did not stop my feet from getting cold all the way through. And my feet stayed cold even after I was back in the flat (which was nice and warm) and all night, and really didn't ever get warm even on the (overheated) planes home! (I know, whine whine whine...)

My spouse picked me up at the airport, which was nice. He had spent the Christmas holiday with his sister and mother, and the extended family, in Las Vegas, which he enjoyed. He said it was cold there, too! Our house was still standing when we got home, although it was messy. Our son is living here now, and he did a fair amount of entertaining, apparently...

The next morning, the spouse and I had The Discussion. He confirmed that he doesn't see a future for us, as husband and wife, and wants to proceed with a divorce. We've spent the last year, trying to keep our marriage intact, but apparently it didn't work. This makes me very sad. I've been sad for a year, and have spent the year mourning what could have been. However, I don't look on it as a wasted year. I know that I did everything I could do to save the marriage. It's a pity that equivalent effort wasn't made by the other side. We've spent the time since then discussing logistics and scenarios and the minutiae of disentanglement. It won't be a quick-and-easy unwinding of the relationship, given our two houses and all the crap -- er, precious collectible items -- we've collected over the years. He would love to get a quickie divorce, so he can be free to pursue his Great Love (i.e., the Other Woman), but California does have a six-month waiting period. Personally, I'm going to need all of that time to work through the issues in my own heart and head. If he's smart, he'll take that time to do the same.

Obviously, this is not the way I wanted our story to end. I've spent months toying with shreds of hope that floated my way, but I think I've been indulging myself in unwarranted fantasies. At times, I was the only person on the face of the earth who thought it might be a good idea to stay married to my spouse... Looks like I finally got out-voted on the issue. I am told, by wise women, that the future will be good, and I will find that I will be happier than I could ever imagine, once I walk through the fire... I hope I can believe that, because I sure as heck am not a happy puppy right now... Relieved, perhaps -- once one has lived for a year with a sword dangling over one's head, it could be a relief when the sword finally drops. I didn't realize how sharp the sword would be, but at least I know what's what. I've never been the kind of person who deals well or happily with "what if's" and "could be's"... I'm far better and sizing up the facts, analyzing them, making a decision, and implementing the decision. Unfortunately, in this particular situation, the grief and sadness is somewhat interfering with my normally pretty clear-eyed and razor sharp minded abilities.

Well, the title of this blog was chosen intentionally. So, now I'll get too see what "life after" means in the context of a divorce. It's just such a waste, in my humble opinion, of so many years. Yes, there were bad times, but there were also good times. And there were promises made. Shoot.

On the up side, I have my health, food in the cupboard, money in the bank, great kids, lots of wonderful friends, a car that runs, and no outstanding warrants (that I know of). So, there you go...

Stay tuned for more dispatches from the front lines.

I wish you all a fabulous, healthy and happy 2009. Cheers!