Well, shoot...

So, here I am, in the post-Discussion phase. The spouse has relocated to our rental house, located about an hour from the family house. (Interestingly enough, he only took a few things... So he's sort of here, possession-wise, and sort of not...) (I boxed up some of his stuff today, and found it therapeutic...)

He's been at the family house off and on, taking care of chores, etc. It's been odd, having him here, since he doesn't live here any more. I'm sure this is a familiar scenario to many of you, and it certainly isn't uncommon in these days of rampant divorce, but it's new for me, and I don't like it. We have, from time to time, fallen into discussion patterns or behavior patterns that are "normal" -- then, one of us will say, "whoa, we're getting divorced..." It's like we forget what's going on... Very disconcerting... (I'm sure he'd love to hang out here quite a bit -- it's a warm, comfortable home; there's good food, a huge flat-panel TV, cable, Internet access, hot water, etc., etc.) (But I'm a little too old to even consider a "friend with privileges" scenario, PARTICULARLY with him!) Hey, he's made his choice, and I think it's time he started to understand the price of that.

This divorce is NOT my choice, and is something I fought hard -- very hard -- to avoid. But, the first night I spent alone here, it wasn't all tears and crying and sobbing and hysteria. In fact, I read my trash novel as long as I wanted to, without worrying about whether keeping the light on was disturbing someone; I wore my flannel PJs (!) AND socks to bed -- "full battle gear" as it was referred to once, which pissed me off. It was cold (no human furnace next to me), but I have a plethora of quilts, afghans and blankets to address that issue. Flannel sheets are an alternative as well, I'm told.

To keep me diverted and not sitting and staring into the distance, and whining, I'm starting the Great Kitchen Remodel, and that will keep me occupied for a bit. I am also planning to buy a new bed, and re-paint and re-accessorize the bedroom. My therapist gave a huge thumbs-up to that. I may even buy some foo-foo sheets -- perhaps pink! or ones with a pattern! maybe even some ruffles or lace edging (no, hold that thought)... And more pillows on the bed! Yesss!!!

Tomorrow is my birthday, and of course he's said nothing about wanting to take me out to dinner (not that I think that would be a great idea, but the gesture would have been appreciated). I'm meeting the sip-and-sew ladies for drinks and munchies at a local Cal-Mex place, so that should be nice. And, perhaps I'll drag my son out with me later in the evening to split a molten chocolate cake at the local bar where the spouse and I would usually go on a Friday night. (Note, please, that last year on my birthday -- a "biggie" -- while I was out with the girls doing a little post-work drink, he was sitting at home, sending a love letter/email to The Other Woman... Better that we're not together this year, so I don't get all whipped up...)

I know, in my head, that things will be fine. When I think of what I've gone through over the years, and the facets of my spouse's personality which have come to light, particularly over the past year-plus, I think it's probably for the best that he won't be in my life as my husband. I want, need and deserve a partner who will be honest, considerate, articulate (on the rare occasions when he does talk)(!), and proactively affectionate. (No, I'm not talking about a dog...) At this point, I can't say that my current husband rated very high on any of those indicia. So, perhaps this is all for the best. I know I've always said that things work the way they're supposed to, so I need to stay with that philosophy and see what happens.

Ah, well, "life after" continues. Cheers!