Dos Margaritas, Por Favor...

Yep, it's been a long time since I had a margarita. However, needs must. I'm here in Oxnard, in Southern California, with my husband. We're on a mission to retrieve the two vintage Jaguars we bought in England, which have now arrived in the US. It's iffy if we can actually get them and drive them back to our home tomorrow, so both of us are a tad whipped up. No stones are being cast at anyone regarding the f'd up state of affairs regarding knowing in advance just what is needed to spring the cars from the custody of the US Government, by the way. But, we're here, with papers and money and all kinds of explanations, so perhaps we'll get lucky.

When I last lived in Southern California (about 24 years ago), I don't recall Oxnard being anything other than a laid-back surfer town. But, when we pulled in, the town is bigger, dingier (sorry, Oxnardians), and far more Latino in flavor than we recalled. Bottom line, we ended up going to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. (The spouse hates Mexican food, so his agreement to try the place was astonishing.) Anyway, in order not to insult the ownership of the restaurant, I was FORCED to have a Margarita to begin the festivities. In fact, I was FORCED to have another, just to save face. I cannot feel my face at this point, after the two Margaritas, so they (the Margaritas) get two thumbs-up. I think my fish tacos were good, but can't remember exactly...

The drive down Highway 101 from the Bay Area was lovely. Years and years ago, when I was in law school at Berkeley, and the then-boyfriend was languishing in Los Angeles, I'd make that drive at least once a month. Highway 5 is fast and straight, but BORING... Highway 101 is lovely, slower, and more interesting. We left our home at 11:30AM, made two brief stops, and pulled into Oxnard at about 6:30PM. Not too bad. And, if things work tomorrow, we get to turn around and drive back to the Bay Area! My back will be in spasm, so I will need at least one glass of wine when we get home, maybe two.

I have fallen apart, emotionally, several times in the past few days. I am so torn about this upcoming road trip/separation. But, everyone agrees that I need it -- we both need it -- and it'll probably be fine, but it's been a long time since I've taken off on my own. (Well, I'll be with my DD for the last part, and it will be fabulous, but the first part is just me and the open road.) I'm so used to either traveling on business with colleagues (you know who you are, Bao Sister), or with my husband, that this is freaking me out. I also think it's terribly terribly sad that, for the first time in 28 years, we'll be apart on Christmas and our anniversary. Well, given where I think things are heading, and all the crap we've been through, it's probably just as well. But it will still hurt.

I was making a list of all the crapola I want to stash in my car, and really I'm going to look like a traveling tinker! I've got books, magazines, sewing projects, clothes (several sets), iPod, iPhone, chargers, computer, blah blah blah... And water, blankets, chains, work gloves, ratty towels... And my own pillow (yes, I am a princess)... To say nothing of all the toiletries I seem to need... (When did I become so high maintenance?) And my CDs... (The music ones, not the financial instruments...)

At this point, I feel myself withdrawing from everyone, emotionally, simply as a defense mechanism. I hate this. I've worked so hard to open myself up, and now I feel just like the old me... Walled off, apparently cold (but most certainly not)... When I think about all the stuff that's gone on this past year, and all the stuff yet to be gone through, it's overwhelming. But, I am strong, I am in good health, I have some money put aside, and I'm smarter than the average bear... I have friends and family who love me and who'll take care of me. I am blessed. I need to keep that in mind.

Whew. That was quite therapeutic... Sorry to vent so much, but...

Have a good week ahead, everyone!

Just Plain Tired...

I feel like that Madeline Kahn character, in "Blazing Saddles" (the takeoff on Marlene Dietrich), who sings, "I'm Tired"... Only, if I were singing it, I'd mean it... I am exhausted... This past year is catching up with me... Turning 60 was sobering, leaving my job was traumatic, and finding out what my husband was up to was shattering. I am not used to being anything other than wildly successful and competent, and for two of the major areas of my life to fall apart was not something I could ignore. (Even I, queen of denial...)

Things have come to a head recently (regarding the marriage) (the job thing is so yesterday's news), and the way forward is pretty much decided. Only not totally. As you know, if you've been reading my posts, I'm going on a road trip, to put some physical distance between my spouse and me. The idea is to give us both the physical and emotional space to think clearly about where we go from here, either together or separately. Frankly, at this point, I'm numb. When I'm not numb, I'm exhausted. When I'm neither numb nor exhausted, I'm pretty damn pissed off. (Thereby covering the gamut of emotions...) There's a part of me that just wants to throw in the towel and say, "Fine, go marry that ***, and see if I care." And, I think that part is growing. I mean, how much effort does one put into a potentially doomed project before you wake up and sense that this is a no-return situation... (As in, no return on investment...)

One more week, and then I hop in the car, and take off. It's going to be a long, long week. I hope I can hold it together. May be tough...

Anyway, I hope all of you are not in the slough of despond, and are looking forward to a very good weekend!

The Upside of Anger [not the movie]

So, I never did see that movie, "The Upside of Anger", although my daughter told me the plot. However, for the past couple of days, I've been meditating on the nature and effect of anger on me and the quality of my life. Used appropriately, anger can focus me, and get me to get off my duff and address whatever it is that's gotten me mad. Sometimes, anger has been an appropriate stage in working through an untenable situation; I'm awfully good at sublimating and smiling while boiling inside... Migranes? No worries... Sometimes, though, I do admit to letting the red devils slither out a bit, and I'll lash out, explicitly or by snarkiness or very passive-aggressive comments. I did the last earlier this week. I ought not to have done it, but at the time, it felt awfully good. Well, okay, not good, but at least familiar. Got to stop that.

In my current situation, anger has served to cause the scales to fall from my eyes, and to look at things with a more realistic bent, and to realize that perhaps it's time to move forward on a path I would not have chosen, but which appears to be the path that's been chosen for me. As my son says, I can't cover the sky with my hand. In other words, wake up and look around, and go with the situation. I've tried to move heaven and earth, and change the time-space continuum, and erase the impact of the past... All to no great effect... But, I'm glad I did it, as I can move forward with a clean heart and clean hands. In one of my earlier posts, I talked about things like this... At the time, the path may not be evident, or may look too rocky to tread, or may appear to be a false path; but, in retrospect, looking back, the path is absolutely clear. Doesn't mean it's fun...

The itinerary for my road trip is coming together. If it all weren't so sad, I'd be excited. The checklist of crapola to take with me is growing exponentially. It's going to be a "learning experience"... I hate "learning experiences"...

Hope all of you are doing well.

Rotten Strawberries

I swear, I have the oddest dreams. (Well, I'm sure everyone thinks their dreams are odd, but go with me on this...) So, last night, I had a dream, wherein I was really excited about buying a box of fresh strawberries. They're at the end of the season now (other than berries imported from elsewhere) and I really do miss them, cut up on my morning cereal. (Bananas are great, but they just don't "do" it for me...)

Anyway, I was in the market (in the dream), found a box, and brought it home. Then, when I opened the box, and started picking up the berries, I found that they were all pretty much rotten. Oozing. Almost liquid in their decay. The disappointment and shock I felt was shockingly intense. In fact, I'm still enveloped by that spiritual miasma...

And, of course, being me, I'm sitting here, brooding about what the strawberries represented. I think I know, but I'm resisting finally buying into it. On the up side, at least I'm starting to get in touch with my disappointment and shock, of finding out that things simply aren't what I thought. (OK, I know, this is all shockingly obvious...)

Still trying to wrap my head around the itinerary for my road trip. Where do I go? For how long? Where will I stay? Aaacckkk... I hate planning. And, right now, I'm not doing very well in terms of concentrating on details. And this is not a whoo-hoo road trip... Although I am sort of looking forward to it, I hate the necessity of it. Like most women, when there's a crisis in my life, my instinct is to gather my chicks and nurture my brood, and clean and cook and do nest-building things, in a (vain) effort to put a gloss of normalcy on a situation that's so very broken. This is a real pain in the butt. And, after a whole year of this, I'm just tired.

Speaking of cleaning, I need to go through the huge pile of crap on the counter, and sort it out. Yesterday, spent hours sorting through the stash in my sewing room, in an attempt to cull out of it what I don't want/need. Not too successful. But, I did fill six large garbage bags with things for Goodwill! Very therapeutic, to look at my closet, and see unused hangers!

I hope all of you are well, and have a great Monday!

Truth, Reality, or Whatever

Is it possible, I ask myself, for someone to absolutely believe the reality he's in at the moment, ignoring the other, alternate reality that also exists? Can someone look me straight in the eye, swear he's telling the truth, and really believe it, when I know there's also another truth? Is this crazy-making, or what? Because, at some point, I begin to doubt my own perception(s) of reality and truth, and I am one heck of a grounded person, not likely to mistake fantasy for reality. (Haven't done that in decades...)

I'm working up a real head of steam here, I must say. I really really really dislike being lied to... Of course, lying involves some element of consciousness -- i.e., the liar should, in the ordinary course of things, know (consciously) that he is lying. Otherwise, is it lying? Or just being f'ing crazy? (Rhetorical question...)

Bottom line, it is very frustrating and tiring to work through dealing with these alternate realities and truths and half-truths and mis-truths and goodness only knows what they are. At some point, one of these days, everything will blow sky high and then the fun will begin. Can hardly wait.

Kind of a dark entry, but there you go.

Sigh...

Speaking (as I was, in a former post) of girding one's loins, I'm about to have to start doing that. In an effort to make sense out of where I (and the spouse) are, vis-a-vis the continued viability (or lack thereof) for our relationship, we've decided that I will go off on a road trip for a while -- perhaps about a month (or more) -- to give him (and me) the necessary space to think more clearly. When we're together, or close in geographical terms, we end up together even when it would, possibly, be best to be apart. So, I am going to go visit New Mexico. I've always wanted to go there, but never managed to come up with a good reason to be there. Now, there's nothing holding me back. I don't have a job, the kids can forage for themselves, the spousal unit also can (presumably) fend for himself, and we (he and I) can take a breather. There are a plethora of issues to be worked out (many of which I thought -- in my naivete -- had been resolved), and need to be dealt with in the fairly immediate future. I simply do not have the strength to spend another year, dangling at the end of a noose... Oh, did I say that? Naughty me... But that's what it has felt like.

Without getting into specifics, as there's always plenty of blame to be spread around any time two folks who have been married almost 30 years, any time there's a fracture in the relationship, both he and I need to get past the "want to" stage to the "what is really going to happen" stage. It's terrifically painful, and I'm struggling mightily to NOT descend into the pit of hate and despair. But, it's not easy. Perhaps if I were blessed with some sort of religious faith, it would be easier. Instead, I have a double dose of denial (!) which, let it be said, has seen me through MANY life episodes!

On the up side, I do have sort of an idea of an itinerary, and I'll be communing with my buddy, Karen L., who's from New Mexico, and get some "insider" hints. I'm actually pretty excited. Then, there'll be a few weeks where I'll be at loose ends. And, it occurred to me, I need to do Christmas (and my anniversary and maybe even my birthday) in Paris. Why the hell not? It was kind of a vision thing... Came to me, clearly... I don't necessarily believe in message from the beyond, but this one was pretty strong. OK, yeah, I can do it. I've got my passport, some cash, some decent clothes, and I'm familiar enough with Paris that it won't be like I fell to earth in the middle of some unknown continent. Left Bank, I think... Hmmmm.... Just for a week or 10 days.... How bad can it be?

Time enough when I finally get back to sort out whatever decisions have been made. Then, depending, could be six months to a year of sobbing, or not. Hard to tell. Not at all what I bargained for, let me just note!!!!

OK, time to wash the dishes and haul my sorry self off to bed...

Cheers!

Now the fun really begins...

I personally am thrilled with the results of the Presidential election. What an historic time for this country. I am so proud of the American people as a whole... the engagement of everyone in the campaign (regardless of what side you're on), the turn-out, the engagement of whole sectors who formerly didn't even show up... It was great. I think I've mentioned previously that I get really excited--even, perhaps, giddy-- every time I go to vote. That, to me, is the essence of what America is all about.

Now, we'll need to gird our collective loins, and get down to the hard work. And pray that Obama and his family are kept safe from wackos.

I'll also need to gird my own loins (as it were), and take a few deep breaths, and get ready for my own hard work over the next few months and years. There are going to be lots of changes in my life, most of which I would not have chosen, had it been my choice to make, and although they will be tough, and heart-wrenching, they will be growth-inducing. I will have to keep repeating to myself that everything turns out, in the end, the way it was meant to be. Maybe I wasn't ready for these hard lessons earlier in my life. I'm not sure what the lessons will be, but I'm sure they'll be important. I'm basically a wimp, however, and would far rather just nest like crazy, nurture my family, cook and clean, and make everything "right", when it really will never be "right" again, at least not in the current configuration. Maybe someday there'll be a new "right", and g*d only knows what that will look like. But, day by day, I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and at some point, I'll look back, and see the path.

Ooooh, that's all too heavy. True, but heavy. I need my coffee.

Have a great day, everyone!