Monday, January 19, 2009

Walking Alone...

This afternoon, it was so gorgeous out, I decided to take a walk through the neighborhood. Usually, in times past, my spouse and I would do the walk... We call it "The Loop". It is, in fact, a loop through the quieter streets of our area, and there are always interesting things to see. Currently, there are two new houses (the old ones having been scraped) being built. One is a McMansion, and it makes my teeth hurt to look at it, and the other is a one-level house, being put up by a "green" builder. Hmmm... The McMansion is, from what I've been able to learn, the "dream house" for a family. It's a huge puppy, complete with a full (finished) basement, which is the latest rage in these monster homes. (I guess it's for the nanny or the au pair or the grandma or some such thing.) This one is, IMHO, not even very well designed. And some of the materials are not Grade A... It is, in fact, a dog's breakfast. I'm reserving judgment on the "green" house, but thus far it is winning in the esthetics race simply by virtue of not being a hulk. The area is full of single-level houses, for the most part. The neighbors probably had kittens when the plans for the monster were revealed, and our city's planning department probably caved like a wet noodle. Makes me very irritated. And, they paid a fortune for the old house and the land, and no doubt the new house isn't cheap, either. Well, good for them. I admire people with more money than sense. :-)

But, the alone part. As I said, usually this is a walk I would do with my husband. He'd hold my hand and we'd do a nice stroll, critiquing the various houses, and just chatting away. It was extremely odd to be walking by myself. Then, I realized that it wasn't so bad. I could walk fast, or slow, or stop, without someone getting twitchy. I stopped here and there, and just took it all in. I thought of it as an allegory for the rest of my life: now walking alone, and not as part of a pair. And it's OK. At least, it's OK today. We'll see what it's like tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. I have a feeling this will be a journey of a million steps.

Another upside of being a single person: I can cook whatever the heck I want for dinner! Sounds like a small thing, but when you've spent decades worrying about what Someone (no names) might consent to eat, it's very liberating. On the other hand, I'm finding it terribly hard to stop old habits -- the most prevalent one being the habit of taking care of my husband, noticing things in the store that I know he'd like, thinking about things to do or to cook or whatever that he might like. Rats! I need to get all those patterns out of my head! But, like everything else, it'll just take time.

I'm so excited about the Inauguration tomorrow. What a thrilling time in our lives... I never thought I'd see the day when a person of color was elected to the highest office in the land. About darn time, too, I think. I wish I was in D.C., just to be there. But, I'll have to content myself with watching on TV. It just gives me goosebubbles (as my kids used to say).

I hope you are all doing well. Cheers!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Random Musings from Domestic Goddess Land

Well, I know it's been a while since I posted, but I must admit that I'm more than usually scattered these days... Contemplating the reality of divorcing my husband of 28+ years, particularly under these circumstances, is really mucking with my composure far more than I thought it would. Hmmm... Yes, I know everything works the way it should, in the long run, but in the short run it's a real pain in the butt. And, yes, I also know that I am blessed beyond all contemplation, and that I ought not be whining about this, given that so many people in this world have faced, are facing, and will face, challenges far more wrenching than what I'm going through. However, I'm me, and my reality and my life are really the only reality and life that I can truly identify with, so that's what I need to work with.

Actually, to be frank, things are getting better. I don't get hysterical any more, or slide into the trough of despair for days at a time. Now, when I cry, it's maybe -- maximum -- five minutes, and when I get terribly sad, it's for a relatively short period of time, and then my natural sunny disposition and optimism kick in. As I think I mentioned, I've been mourning this relationship for over a year already, as I fought to keep it intact. So, there's only so much grief one can go through on a subject like this before you start turning the corner (all things being equal)... That's my take on what's what right now.

Last night, I watched "The Notebook". Yeah, I know it's an old(er) movie, but that's what was in the Netflix queue. Wow! I didn't expect to like it as much as I did. I think the story really resonated with me, given my current situation. Not that I'm descending into senile dementia (as far as I know) (!), but the story of an enduring love, and the maturity of the two leads, really spoke to me. Yeah, it is a chick flick and a tear-jerker, but it suited me at this particular moment. (Normally, the Netflix queue had weird stuff in it -- 1950s-era Japanese movies, odd foreign films, shoot-em-up movies, and god knows what...) (I think I asked for this one to be put on the queue...) Anyway, it was nice. It was the last movie on my husband's Netflix account; now that he's decamped and is living elsewhere, I need to set up my own Netflix account. More money out the door, and no money coming in right now... Blecch...

Anyway, back to my title... Last week, I made my first pot roast. Do not laugh. Yes, at the age of 61, I decided I could tackle this challenge. (Like one of the easiest things in the world to make, of course...) I have very fond memories of the pot roast that my friend Joanne's mom used to make. We (Joanne and I) would often be put in charge of putting up the pot roast when we got home from school (I would hang out at her house quite a bit -- listening to LPs of Broadway musical shows) (to this day, I can probably sing many of the songs from most of the hit musicals of the 1950s and 1960s), and she would take charge of the mysterious ritual. I remember tomato sauce and potatoes and wonderful smells. My pot roast wasn't exactly the same, but it was pretty darn good. Lots of red wine, onions and garlic... How could it be bad? And I put in LOTS of carrots and potatoes. Yum. I may make it again! And, last night, I made BBQ ribs (ok, well, I heated up the pre-cooked ones), and roasted a whole pan full of little red potatoes. I love roast potatoes. I cut them up rather small, tossed them with lots of olive oil, salt, pepper, and rosemary leaves (or "twigs" as I like to call them), and they were yummy. I love to cook, I really do. For many years, I simply didn't cook all that much, due to work schedules. What was I thinking? Ah, well, now I can indulge. As long as my son lives with me, it's like having a black hole that will consume everything I cook...

Another item on the domestic goddess list: sheets. A couple of listings ago, I mentioned flannel sheets as a remedy for a cold bed (now that I'm sleeping by myself). I was musing to myself that flannel sheets are good, but fleece sheets might be even better... but, I had never seen such a thing, so I shrugged it off. Then, a couple of days ago, I was looking through The Country Store catalog and, lo and behold -- fleece sheets!!! Yesss!!! I may just order a set...

Finally, I want to know where all the dust bunnies come from. I swear, I sweep my floor daily, and yet, for reasons I don't fully understand, the dust bunnies mate and reproduce during the night. What's up with that? I really don't think it's fair. I'll be sitting on the sofa, minding my own business, and all of a sudden a dust bunny will waft across the floor... like a tumbleweed in an old Western movie... Sneering at me as it wanders across my family room. I'm taking this personally now. Between the dust bunnies and the kitty litter that Special Needs Kitty loves to track through the entire house, it's a laugh a minute around here, keeping up with things. In the good old days, when I was working at The Company, I had a house cleaning service come in every other week. For some reason, they seemed to terrify the dust bunnies, because I saw very few of them then. Perhaps they (the dust bunnies) know that I'm in economic straits and they're messing with me... Rats! I may start going without my Sbux coffees, and seek to afford the house cleaners again... THAT will teach those dust bunnies!!!

I did collect myself sufficiently this past week to go out and purchase some new appliances for The Great Kitchen Renovation. I bought a refrigerator, a range and a dishwasher. I about passed out when I saw how expensive everything is. But, then I figured I was supporting the resurgence of the US economy with this purchase so I gulped and slid my credit card across the counter. And I'm not done yet. Still need a microwave, a range hood, and a sink and garbage disposal. One would think all this would be easy but, apparently, the whole process is very involved. Range hoods, for instance. This is going to be free-hanging (i.e., not hooked to a wall), so it needs to look good on all sides. I'm finding that these puppies are hideously expensive. But, to go without a hood means a custom-designed and constructed downdraft system, that needs to have the team ripping out a wall and monkeying with all sorts of things. OK, easier to do a hood. Fine. Whatever. But, then will come the fun stuff -- handles for the cabinets and faucets for the sink. I don't know why, but looking at these little fixtures cheers me up immensely. I even swapped out the faucets in two of our bathrooms a few years ago, and that makes me grin every time I see them. Go figure.

Well, it's time for lunch. Maybe I'll splurge and go pick up some yummy sandwiches at the local sandwich shop. After all, the first of the playoff games is about to start, so no one wants to leave and go wandering while the games are on... I don't get it, personally, but there you go. I just hope my stairs get rebuilt before Easter...

I hope you are all doing well, wherever you are. For those of you in the East, I hope you're keeping warm. For those of you in the sunny West, don't waste water, because we're going to be hurting in May!

Cheers!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Happy Birthday to Meeeee.....

Yep, it's today... I am 61 years old, which sounds like some kind of very bad joke as far as I'm concerned... I mean, I am really only 17 years old -- well, maybe 18 -- but not more! Really! I don't know who that lady is in the mirror in the morning, jeez! She used to look an awful like my mother (and alarmingly like my grandmother), but after that recent surgery, not so much... (I am nothing if not au courant with a bit of nip-and-tuck...)

So, what have I done to celebrate? Well, yesterday I bought myself flowers -- beautiful purple iris and a clutch of bright yellow tulips -- they look gorgeous on my dining table. And, this morning my son asked me out to breakfast. I paid, of course, but it's the thought that counts. I got lovely emails from some friends, and had a yummy lunch with a buddy with whom I worked at The Company (and I miss her dearly -- it was great to see her). Later this afternoon, the sip-and-sew ladies will meet me for a drink and some munchies at a local Cal-Mex place (great margaritas there), and that will be great. And, finally, the soon-to-be-ex spouse asked if he could take me to dinner. Hmmm... I weakened and said fine. Not a good idea, but he got me in a weak moment. (One too many Cosmos, I guess.) But, after dinner, I shall send him back to his new home, so he can contemplate the cost of his decision. I spent the morning boxing up many of his clothes (I folded them neatly) and put together a bag of hangers for him. (I am a true queen.) I shall go in a minute and box some more of his clothes. Very therapeutic. (And why am I not letting him do this? Because I want it done now.) I think he would, if left to his own devices, keep half (or more) of his stuff here, so he's neither moved out nor truly living here. He'd also like to be a "friend with privileges", I think (only because he thinks it would make me "feel better"), but I'm thinking not so much...

I think I will knit a bit, too... Talk about wasting time on a gorgeous winter afternoon... And maybe do some more housecleaning. Yep, I know how to boogie down on MY birthday!

(Let the record reflect it's also Joan Baez's birthday... and Richard Nixon's! What a constellation...)

Hope all of you are doing well...

Cheers!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Well, shoot...

So, here I am, in the post-Discussion phase. The spouse has relocated to our rental house, located about an hour from the family house. (Interestingly enough, he only took a few things... So he's sort of here, possession-wise, and sort of not...) (I boxed up some of his stuff today, and found it therapeutic...)

He's been at the family house off and on, taking care of chores, etc. It's been odd, having him here, since he doesn't live here any more. I'm sure this is a familiar scenario to many of you, and it certainly isn't uncommon in these days of rampant divorce, but it's new for me, and I don't like it. We have, from time to time, fallen into discussion patterns or behavior patterns that are "normal" -- then, one of us will say, "whoa, we're getting divorced..." It's like we forget what's going on... Very disconcerting... (I'm sure he'd love to hang out here quite a bit -- it's a warm, comfortable home; there's good food, a huge flat-panel TV, cable, Internet access, hot water, etc., etc.) (But I'm a little too old to even consider a "friend with privileges" scenario, PARTICULARLY with him!) Hey, he's made his choice, and I think it's time he started to understand the price of that.

This divorce is NOT my choice, and is something I fought hard -- very hard -- to avoid. But, the first night I spent alone here, it wasn't all tears and crying and sobbing and hysteria. In fact, I read my trash novel as long as I wanted to, without worrying about whether keeping the light on was disturbing someone; I wore my flannel PJs (!) AND socks to bed -- "full battle gear" as it was referred to once, which pissed me off. It was cold (no human furnace next to me), but I have a plethora of quilts, afghans and blankets to address that issue. Flannel sheets are an alternative as well, I'm told.

To keep me diverted and not sitting and staring into the distance, and whining, I'm starting the Great Kitchen Remodel, and that will keep me occupied for a bit. I am also planning to buy a new bed, and re-paint and re-accessorize the bedroom. My therapist gave a huge thumbs-up to that. I may even buy some foo-foo sheets -- perhaps pink! or ones with a pattern! maybe even some ruffles or lace edging (no, hold that thought)... And more pillows on the bed! Yesss!!!

Tomorrow is my birthday, and of course he's said nothing about wanting to take me out to dinner (not that I think that would be a great idea, but the gesture would have been appreciated). I'm meeting the sip-and-sew ladies for drinks and munchies at a local Cal-Mex place, so that should be nice. And, perhaps I'll drag my son out with me later in the evening to split a molten chocolate cake at the local bar where the spouse and I would usually go on a Friday night. (Note, please, that last year on my birthday -- a "biggie" -- while I was out with the girls doing a little post-work drink, he was sitting at home, sending a love letter/email to The Other Woman... Better that we're not together this year, so I don't get all whipped up...)

I know, in my head, that things will be fine. When I think of what I've gone through over the years, and the facets of my spouse's personality which have come to light, particularly over the past year-plus, I think it's probably for the best that he won't be in my life as my husband. I want, need and deserve a partner who will be honest, considerate, articulate (on the rare occasions when he does talk)(!), and proactively affectionate. (No, I'm not talking about a dog...) At this point, I can't say that my current husband rated very high on any of those indicia. So, perhaps this is all for the best. I know I've always said that things work the way they're supposed to, so I need to stay with that philosophy and see what happens.

Ah, well, "life after" continues. Cheers!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Welcome to 2009...

I am soooo very glad to be back home in California! I loved being in Paris, but I most definitely did NOT like being cold. Yes, I know, I grew up in New York City, and it was bloody cold there in the winter... That is one major reason I do not live in New York City any more... It took several years after I moved to California for the permafrost to leave my feet! The last full day I was in Paris, I waited with my daughter at the bus stop in front of the Gare de Lyon, where the airport bus stops. We waited about half an hour. I had my new lovely warm boots on, but even the thick rubber soles and the sheepskin innersole did not stop my feet from getting cold all the way through. And my feet stayed cold even after I was back in the flat (which was nice and warm) and all night, and really didn't ever get warm even on the (overheated) planes home! (I know, whine whine whine...)

My spouse picked me up at the airport, which was nice. He had spent the Christmas holiday with his sister and mother, and the extended family, in Las Vegas, which he enjoyed. He said it was cold there, too! Our house was still standing when we got home, although it was messy. Our son is living here now, and he did a fair amount of entertaining, apparently...

The next morning, the spouse and I had The Discussion. He confirmed that he doesn't see a future for us, as husband and wife, and wants to proceed with a divorce. We've spent the last year, trying to keep our marriage intact, but apparently it didn't work. This makes me very sad. I've been sad for a year, and have spent the year mourning what could have been. However, I don't look on it as a wasted year. I know that I did everything I could do to save the marriage. It's a pity that equivalent effort wasn't made by the other side. We've spent the time since then discussing logistics and scenarios and the minutiae of disentanglement. It won't be a quick-and-easy unwinding of the relationship, given our two houses and all the crap -- er, precious collectible items -- we've collected over the years. He would love to get a quickie divorce, so he can be free to pursue his Great Love (i.e., the Other Woman), but California does have a six-month waiting period. Personally, I'm going to need all of that time to work through the issues in my own heart and head. If he's smart, he'll take that time to do the same.

Obviously, this is not the way I wanted our story to end. I've spent months toying with shreds of hope that floated my way, but I think I've been indulging myself in unwarranted fantasies. At times, I was the only person on the face of the earth who thought it might be a good idea to stay married to my spouse... Looks like I finally got out-voted on the issue. I am told, by wise women, that the future will be good, and I will find that I will be happier than I could ever imagine, once I walk through the fire... I hope I can believe that, because I sure as heck am not a happy puppy right now... Relieved, perhaps -- once one has lived for a year with a sword dangling over one's head, it could be a relief when the sword finally drops. I didn't realize how sharp the sword would be, but at least I know what's what. I've never been the kind of person who deals well or happily with "what if's" and "could be's"... I'm far better and sizing up the facts, analyzing them, making a decision, and implementing the decision. Unfortunately, in this particular situation, the grief and sadness is somewhat interfering with my normally pretty clear-eyed and razor sharp minded abilities.

Well, the title of this blog was chosen intentionally. So, now I'll get too see what "life after" means in the context of a divorce. It's just such a waste, in my humble opinion, of so many years. Yes, there were bad times, but there were also good times. And there were promises made. Shoot.

On the up side, I have my health, food in the cupboard, money in the bank, great kids, lots of wonderful friends, a car that runs, and no outstanding warrants (that I know of). So, there you go...

Stay tuned for more dispatches from the front lines.

I wish you all a fabulous, healthy and happy 2009. Cheers!