Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ruminations on time...

So, a few mornings ago, I woke up and lay there, thinking about time. Like, what day was it? And why do the days just seem to slide, one into another, in an endless, immutable, implacable, endless stream... It doesn't matter whether I get a lot done, or just sit around in a haze, or spend my day knitting or crocheting or thumbing through old issues of Oprah Magazine... the days pass anyway...

I had a lot more to say about the issue of time, but that was a few days ago, and by now I've forgotten much of what I wanted to say. Typical. But, today is nine months to the day since my last day at The Company. It seems like a week. My feelings are still quite abraded, and I'm actually (and surprisingly) very very bitter at my boss for the way he handled the whole issue. I wasn't irritated/upset/bitter for the longest time, but perhaps I was suppressing my feelings... (Ya think?) I'm apparently pretty good at that... A couple of days ago, I was driving back home from wherever, and was on the main drag in my city, where many of the buildings which are owned and/or leased by The Company are located. I stopped for a red light and, there in the crosswalk, right in front of me, was my former boss, just kind of schlumping along... He actually looked very small and beaten down, but for the slightest little second I thought, hmmm... what if my car had a malfunction? Bwahahahahaha... Nah, it was just a passing thought... I did, however, feel a surge of irritation, verging on anger, against him and what he did to me. The thing that bugs me, today, is that he totally f'd up my life (money-wise), and I'm pretty sure he didn't give it much of a thought. I'm trying very hard to get past that, but it's harder than it might be, since I'm not having any luck at all finding a job... Thank goodness The Company was good to me, and granted lots of lovely little stock options, and I had the good sense to exercise them periodically over the years and put the money to good use... So, I won't be living under a freeway underpass (at least in foreseeable future), but I still need to make the monthly payments... I mean, thank goodness for state unemployment funds, and thank goodness that The Spouse also is getting unemployment checks, so we're not starving, but...

Anyway, I am TRYING to keep this on a high, philosophical level... Ha! Time, yeah, that's what I was talking about. My daughter is graduating from college in a couple of months, and that is a shocker! These four years have gone by in a flash... I remember when she was in pre-school! And that seems like just yesterday! I think time is just a construct made up by old men, in an effort to mess with our mind... It's all too weird...

OK, nine months since I left The Company. Nine months is a whole pregnancy. When I was pregnant, it seemed like an eternity. But, it seems like yesterday that I walked out of my building, box of possessions in hand, totally devastated... Comparing the months since I left my job to a pregnancy really flipped me out, when I thought about it... I guess grieving takes its own time, doesn't it? I'm still having dreams about being back at The Company, which makes me very uncomfortable, but which I hear is quite normal. I think, if I had a new job, it might be easier. So, Universe, please hear this --- I need a job! Even a part-time or temporary job would be fine, thank you very much... Just something to get me out of this house!!! Aaaaccckkkk!!!

Breathe, that's it... Ommmm.... This is what happens when I'm not busy enough... Tomorrow, I'd pull weeds in the front garden, but it's supposed to rain... Maybe I can get to it before the rain starts? Maybe? Or not...

I am even boring myself tonight. So, enough for now.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Happy Earth Day!

So, today is Earth Day... What should be a totally non-controversial day, you'd think... After all, everyone lives on the earth, and on this issue, we surely will all sink or swim together!

What have I done for the cause? I now use cloth shopping bags when I go to the market -- not good at remembering for other errands, but I'm trying. I keep them all on the back seat of my car, so at least they're available and handy when I drive around. I saw a pattern in my newest knitting magazine for crocheted market bags, that fold up into two little crocheted circle pieces (which are also part of the bag), and you can stuff the bag in your purse, since it's so small. That sounds like a good idea, since it would address the "oops I'm here without a 'green' bag" issue...

We also have swapped out a lot of our incandescent light bulbs in our house for CFLs, and haven't seen any degradation in light. We do have a floor lamp in the big living room that is a halogen one, and that gives off a ton of light, but also a lot of heat. I haven't found a decent floor lamp using or capable of using CFLs that is as good... A particular issue for me, since my night-time eyesight is not as good as it used to be, and I like to be able to read/knit/whatever at night.

What else... We recycle everything possible, although living in the area/country/time we're in, it's not as easy as it might be. We try and consolidate our errands. We are careful about water usage. We don't use our A/C at all in the house, but rely on fans. (Of course, the A/C really doesn't work very well, so why burn the energy at all...)

Yep, we are living saints... Ha! I wish we would/could do more, but we do what we can.

I hope all of you are being so terribly green today... I'm off to find something else to do to support Earth Day... But, it's not yet 5:00PM here, so it won't involve drinking any wine!

Cheers!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Viva Las Vegas...

So, this past weekend, The Spouse and I went to Las Vegas... For those who know me, you're thinking ... what? why? huh? Well, The Spouse's sister and mother live there... His mother is 87, bedridden (from a recent fall and resulting broken hip), has dementia, and is still strong as an ox and intermittently sharp as a tack. She could depart tomorrow or last another 20 years... And his sister is taking care of her, full-time (the mother lives with the sister). I felt that, as part of supporting the current reconciliation with The Spouse, I should support a family visit. (The Spouse was there, in Las Vegas, at Christmas -- while I was in Paris with The Princess -- and he later commented that he really liked spending time with his family...) (No comment...)

Anyway, it wasn't too bad. The weather was cool, not beastly hot, so that was a blessing. The first two nights, we stayed at a hotel, and the third night we stayed with his sister, her husband and the mother in their new house, south of Las Vegas in a newly developed area. The house is top of the line, in a planned, gated development that's laid out for 200 homes... 14 have been built... Yep, the slowdown is hitting everywhere. The house is not my style, but lovely. I particularly liked the back yard -- very well thought-out for outdoors living (i.e., after dark in Las Vegas when you don't get broiled by the sun and the heat).

We went to a Cirque Du Soleil show ("La Reve") (sorry I can't figure out how to put accent marks in), which was faboo... I saw two shows by the CDS years ago, in San Jose, and was fascinated... The LV show is a bit more commercial than the earlier works, but still pretty eye-popping. This show takes place in a water environment, and that simply blew my mind. Gorgeous young people were leaping in and out of the water with abandon, and I was sure a couple of times that they would kill themselves... Well worth the money we paid for the show. One other night, we went out to a very nice dinner with The Spouse's sister and her husband, and other than that, simply wandered up and down The Strip (we only saw ONE Elvis impersonator -- must be a slow time of the year), had a drink and some pupus at Trader Vic's, watched all the incredibly drunken college students (it was apparently Spring Break week), and spent time with the mother and the sister.

Oh, and we also saw the exhibit "Bodies", currently at the Luxor. This is the exhibit that features the preserved, dissected bodies and body parts of various donors/volunteers. As a wanna-be scientist from way back when, I was fascinated and could have stayed there for hours and hours. Unfortunately, The Spouse turned a nasty shade of green, and hung back from some of the more interesting exhibits. The human body is one of the most fascinating and gorgeous machines, IMHO. When I was around 11 or 12 years old, one Christmas, I got "The Visible Man" as a gift, and spent hours and hours and hours painting it. (For those of you too young to remember, this was a plastic model of a human being, maybe about 14 inches high, with all the organs inside, also made out of plastic, and you got neat little bottles of paint and a teensy-weensy brush, and you got to pain the organs and all the blood vessels... Keen! I loved that damn thing... Anyway, there were individual body parts that, somehow, got dissected and preserved... The lungs, the heart, various glands, parts of the respiratory system (including a little bunch of alveoli -- my personal favorite word), and -- blowing my mind -- the three little bones in the inner ear (the hammer, the anvil and the stirrup) (I don't know or remember their correct names); those things are TINY!!! I know I had seen illustrations of them in some book, allegedly real-time size, at one point, but I had never seen them for real... There were also a healthy pair of lungs and a portion of a smoker's lung -- and there was a big plexiglass box next to that exhibit, with a sign urging folks to drop their cigarettes in the box and quit smoking NOW. The box was about half-full. I don't know why anyone would smoke one more cigarette after seeing that.

There were also signs throughout the exhibit, referring to the illnesses and stresses on the body that are caused by obesity... Well, pretty interesting, given the issue of what many folks in this country look like. I am consistently amazed when I travel around and see folks from other parts of the U.S. (i.e., other than California) -- the degree of "largeness" is jaw-dropping. I am at a loss to understand how folks can abuse their bodies like that. But, even going through the supermarket here in my area, the CRAP that I see in other folks' carts blows my mind. It's really hard to cook/eat healthily these days, I know that -- too many convenience foods, too many prepared foods, too much to do in too little time, blah blah blah... But, come on, folks... Chemicals, fat, salt, sugar... in moderation, not too bad; but, moderation seems to be a concept that isn't familiar with many people.

OK, enough of my judgmental ranting for the moment. But, it just kills me -- because the burden on the public health system arising out of this widespread obesity is not yet fully understood. And, the huge percentage of our children who are obese is pretty damn scary. And I'm not talking about the BMI measure of obesity (I think I'm on the borderline of obesity by their measure), but just the plain old eye-popping obesity one sees out and about... It's so so sad...

What else... The Great Kitchen Remodel is toodling along quite well. I'm absolutely thrilled and cannot wait to get my kitchen back. Cooking in the front hall isn't too bad, but shlepping dirty dishes from the front hall to the second bathroom, through the living room and down the hall, is getting to be a REAL pain in the patookie. And, the sinks in that bathroom are lovely but little, so you can wash like two cereal bowls and two small glasses at once, and that's it. I know, I know, I'm such a spoiled princess... So sue me...

And, the job hunt is disheartening. Jobs are scarce, at least for folks at my level of seniority. I did apply for unemployment insurance, finally, and got my first check a few days ago. I must tell you, I felt awfully odd, filing for unemployment. But, hey, I got over it. I didn't file for months, since I wasn't looking for work -- just hanging out and trying to maintain my sanity... But, once I did decide to re-enter the workforce, and started looking, I figured I was doing everything I was supposed to do.

Well, it's late, I got my feet rubbed tonight (at my favorite local Chinese foot spa), had oatmeal for dinner (comfort food), and I'm ready for bed. The seasonal allergies are making me nuts, and the wind has been brutal the past couple of days, so the pollens are beastly... My eyes are red and teary, and my nose is dripping... I look like I've been on some sort of cocaine-fueled bender for the past week... Ah, if only... No, seriously, that would be very bad. But I hate these allergies. I take meds for it, so I can only imagine what condition I'd be in without the meds!

More to come... In the meantime, I hope all of you are doing well... Anyone doing the "no poo" thing? If so, I'd love to hear from you...

Cheers!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Today's Episode...

The title of today's post infers that there's been a series of (relatively recent/current) episodes... Not so much... What? Did you think I got kidnapped by space aliens? Was a victim of white slavers who discovered a fabulous untapped market for women of a certain age? (Ha! I wish...) No, nothing so dramatic. It's just that since my last post (was that a lifetime ago?), my day-to-day life has been in turmoil (as opposed to last year? ha! again), and I simply could not focus enough to write a coherent sentence, much less an entire post.

So, a brief bring-you-up-to-date post: On Inauguration Day, I went to my lawyer's office, and signed divorce papers; I called that the death of hope/birth of hope step. President Obama stepping up, me moving on. A few days later, my husband got on a plane to Asia, to see his True Love and celebrate Tet (the New Year) in Saigon and other parts of Vietnam. I was pretty darn upset that day, but got over it rather rapidly. I mean, once I'm presented with a set of facts, I deal with it and get on with the plan. It seemed to me that my spouse had made his choice, and there you go. Fine. I bought a new bed the very next day (!), bought some furniture, had dinner with an old friend (I've known him for about 30 years) and his kids (his wife is deceased -- she was my best friend in grad school and my kids' godmother), got kissed quite thoroughly by him (and wasn't that a lovely surprise), got new eyeglasses (very mod and not at all like I'd been wearing for years), got my hair dyed dark(er) (closer to my "natural" color) (to the extent I remember it), decided I would grow my hair into a Katie Holmes bob (as long as I don't have to deal with anyone like Tom C., her husband, I'm good), and perked up considerably.

Then, the husband sends an email from across the sea, and in that email is an "I miss you" statement. I'm thinking, what??? He's on a trip with his True Love, the woman he's ruined our marriage for, and he misses me? Hmmm... OK, we'll see what's up. He gets home, and is at my house within a few hours. Hmmm again. After a bit of chitchat, he says let's go out to dinner on Friday night, he wants to talk about some things. OK, fine. More hmmm... Friday comes, off we go to our usual Friday-night place (why not -- after all, I like it a lot and they make very very good Cosmos), and after a bit of hemming and hawing, he says that he realizes there's no future for him with his True Love, they have nothing in common, he doesn't want to live over there, she'd drive him crazy in short order, and they were getting the hairy eyeball from many folks on the street (there's a 30-year plus age difference). Hmmm, indeed! I could have written this script! In fact, I predicted it! He wants to reconcile with me, and what do I think? Wow. What do I think, indeed. We agree to both think about it for a week or so.

We thought about it, and after some serious inner wrestling with my feelings, I decided that we should try it again. I know, I know... I said that if he got on the plane, that was it -- all was over, period, finish. Well, as was said in one of those James Bond movies, never say never. So, little by little, he started hanging around more and more, and then finally stayed over one night, and then more nights, and there you go.

I'm cautiously optimistic. I mean, I've seen this video before, and it didn't end well. I call this chapter "hope in a cryogenic state" or "hope on ice"... I'm taking it day by day, and not investing 100% of my heart into this. I don't need to have it broken again. I am taking my husband's words at face value, and waiting to see how he acts. I think I'd like things to work out, for the long haul, because he's funny and fun and talented, and we have a whole lot of years together. Frankly, notwithstanding the most excellent kisses I got from my friend (and the knowledge that there are men out there who kiss just as well, if not better) (well, I'm not sure there is better), and that there are many men out there who would treat me like the queen or goddess that I am, I'm not sure that I am willing to invest the energy into locating, finding, getting to know, and getting comfortable with another man. Yes, I know, it's totally possible to live a wonderful, fulfilling life without a man. But, I probably would not choose to do that, at least right now. So, I'd be not only looking for a job (and that's another story entirely) but looking for a boyfriend/partner/whatever... I don't know that I really want to be doing that at this point.

So, bottom line, so far, so good. For today, anyway. Keep your fingers crossed. And I promise that I'll be more regular about composing witty, pithy, on-point posts. Or, not... I do have lots to say, but the thoughts generally occur to me when I have my hands in dirty dishwater, or when I'm in the shower, or when I'm just about to fall asleep. . . . And you know what that means -- they never, ever get written down!!! Rats!!!

And, remember, Yes We Can!!!