Très Froid!!!

Oh, yeah, mama -- it was COLD here in Paris today. The weather forecast this evening said it was 2 degrees Centigrade (not sure what that is in Farenheit), and I can tell you it got colder as the day went on. The Princess and I went to Sacré Coeur for our outing today, and although the weather was spectacular, we froze our patookies off... I had the foresight, today, to wear my thermals under all the layers, and I was glad I did. The only parts of me that really were cold were the parts that weren't covered! I did try and pull up my scarf over my nose and mouth, but all that accomplished was to fog up my glasses. Not so good.

The whole neighborhood around Sacré Coeur was packed with tourists from every place on earth... I even heard some Brits today, being loud and looking for pizza. (Not that I'm dissing looking for pizza, please understand...) We made it into the church, wandered around, sat for a while, and recovered from the walk up the gazillion stairs in the Abbesses Metro station... Note: none of the guide books I read mentioned that you might want to consider taking the lift up to the ground level at that station... I did wimp out and take the funicular from the street up to the level of the church, although The Princess toughed it out and walked up all the stairs.

After getting all spiritual, we stood on the various terraces and looked out at Paris. It was hazy today, so we didn't see much, unfortunately. We did talk about the movie "Amelie", which had some scenes shot right where we were. (That's a lovely little movie, and I highly recommend it.) Then, we went on a search for sustenance. Found a tea room, and we had a nice little lunch. Then, off to find an English-language bookstore, as we'd run out of trash novels! Went to WH Smith, on the Rue de Rivoli, and spent too much money. Quelle damage! Then, the idea was to walk down the Rue de Rivoli and hit Notre Dame. We made it as far as The Louvre, and threw in the towel... It was just too bloody cold, so back to the flat for tea, cookies, and rest. It was even too cold to go out for dinner (yes, in Paris)... Luckily, I had some supplies (pasta) (and wine), so we didn't starve. Thanks be!

My daughter goes home tomorrow morning, and I shall miss her terribly. We've had a very good time together. She's lectured me mercilessly on my life and what I need to do to move forward. I've nodded my head dutifully, but I know I shall disappoint her. Today is my 28th wedding anniversary, and I'm very sad. I do believe it will be my last wedding anniversary, and I'm taking it rather badly. I wish I could shrug and say, c'est la vie, and move on with a sophisticated air, but I can't, not quite yet. Maybe someday. Perhaps once things are verbalized and the dissolution process is in play, it'll be easier. Or, maybe not. But, historically, I've done well with facts, and not so well with what-ifs, could-be's, and might-have-beens...

I leave for the US on Monday morning, and I will be glad to get home. I've been fighting a nasty cold, and it's subsiding, but I'm really tired. And cold. And drifting toward cranky. I want to get home and get on with things. I need to whip myself into shape, emotionally, and I also need to start looking for a new job. Neither of which activities really make me feel terribly whoop-tee-doo... But, I shall suck it up and move forward. Like I have a choice...

I hope that, wherever you are, it's not as cold as here! (Or, if it is, that you, too, have thermal underwear...)

Christmas in Paris (France) (not Texas)

I was writing in my journal last night, and at the top of my entry I wrote, "Christmas Day, 2008, Paris"... Wow... Still gives me a thrill to see that, regardless of the fact I've done a heck of a lot of traveling in my life. But, in all of that, this year is only the second Christmas that I've spent outside the US. (The first was 1968, and I was in Bombay, as it was known then... THAT was very strange, let me tell you!)

Anyway, Christmas here is, as far as I can tell, not as big a hoo-hah as in the US. There are displays, and trees, but not the oh-my-god-it's-everywhere-and-growing-like-King-Kong sort of presence that I see pretty much everywhere in the US (at least in the areas I observe). There were a fair amount of things closed on Christmas Eve, but also a fair amount of stores and restaurants open. And, yesterday, on Christmas Day, there were some stores open (not many, though). The Princess and I went to dinner at a friend's house, out in the western part of Paris. We rode the Metro all the way to the end of the line, and then got on a bus. We felt terribly adventurous! The dinner was lovely, and we (the three of us) knocked off a bottle of champagne and a bottle of wine. Yum... He (my friend) also tried his hand at making a Christmas pudding. It was not too bad -- his first attempt, and there was lots of dried fruit soaked in whiskey, so how bad could it have been? We got home relatively early, watched "Rebecca" (the original) on a DVD, and I passed out.

This morning, it was really cold out. So, being smart ladies, we woke up, turned over and went back to sleep until 11:00AM! Yikes! But, as my daughter advised me, we're on holiday so why not? We finally hauled ourselves out, and hit the Galleries Lafayette (again), to pick up a pair of gloves for my daughter that she had seen previously, and was brooding about. They are long gloves, which she wanted, in a lovely mossy green color, of the most delicious thin, luxurious leather. Yummy! Being a supportive mom, I also bought a pair of gloves (kind of an outdoorsy-type fabric, with fur cuffs) and a gold-color chain belt. I toyed with buying some perfume, but my inherent cheapness kicked in, and I decided I'll just wait to buy at home. I don't wear perfume as much as I used to, and I still have quite a collection, so why spend the money? I did see a gorgeous black suede handbag there, only (!) 250 Euros, but I shoved my hands in my pockets and kept walking. If I'm still hallucinating about it, I may go back and fondle it, and see if I can justify it in any manner whatsoever.

Then, we wandered down the street to the Printemps department store, and went to have lunch in their cafe. The dome of the cafe is gorgeous -- all stained glass, and worth the trip and the hideous amount we spent on lunch. And we didn't even have wine with lunch! However, I did talk the Princess into having a cup of hot chocolate, which was from Angelina's (they serve it at the Printemps cafe). The chocolate was as decadent and wonderful and orgasmic as I remember. And I don't even like chocolate. I had an espresso, myself, but then filled up my little cup, twice, with some of the hot chocolate. I don't know how any one person could finish off a whole pot of that stuff -- it's deadly. They serve it with a little bowl of whipped cream; you put a dollop on top of the chocolate, and it melts and basically you then just slap it on your hips and be done with it... No, seriously, it's insanely good.

To wind up our excursion today, we went to the H&M right across the street from Galleries Lafayette. Yes, we know that we could visit an H&M store pretty much anywhere, but this one is in PARIS, for goodness' sakes! And, amazingly enough, we each found something to buy! Given that apparently every piece of clothing in H&M is in Extra-Small, this was amazing. The Princess got a beautiful grey wool jacket, a nice little cream-colored cardigan and a foo-foo nightie. I found a black quilted zip-up jacket that looks quite snazzy on me, if I do say so myself. We agonized about buying some of the lingerie there, and I almost succumbed.

I was looking to buy a nice pair of dress shoes here in Paris, but I haven't seen anything I'd really wear. It's not that I'm averse to paying a hideous price (well, I am, but would be willing to some distance if I could find something), but the styles are just not what I could either walk in, physically, or what I would be caught dead in. In addition, some of the more outre styles look great in a display pair of shoes (usually like a size 6-1/2), but when you translate that to my size (9 or 9-1/2), not so much... Disappointing...

On Christmas Eve, we did make it to the Louvre. Oh what a wonderful, wonderful place it is. There are photos on my flickr.com photostream (not many, but a few). We really enjoyed it. Every time I'm there, I am just gobsmacked at how BIG that place is... They've done a nice job on the exhibit regarding the history of the Louvre, from medieval times to the mid-19th Century, to the present. I found it fascinating. We saw the Winged Victory, the Nike, the Mona Lisa, and the Venus de Milo. The museum was very crowded, but not as bad as I imagine it could be in high season. There were lots of Asian tourists (mainly Japanese, as far as I could tell) and a fair amount of other European tourists (lots and lots of Italians) (or, well, those were the only ones I could hear!), and some Americans/Canadians. Didn't hear many Brits. We also wandered through the shops under the Louvre, and found a Starbucks! I was very surprised to see one at all. We both ordered something, and the coffee was AWFUL. If there was coffee in that latte, I'll eat my hat. And there were no plastic cups there with "Starbucks/Paris" on them at all... For my collection, you know... Rats! We had dinner at a local restaurant, one with a Cuban theme. Their interpretation of chips and guacamole was interesting. I had two margaritas, and was on my butt.

Tomorrow, we are going to go to Sacre Coeur, and possibly wander the Rue de Rivoli (we were going to do that today, but it was too cold and we got too late a start). Tomorrow is my daughter's last day in Paris, so we want to wrap up the trip nicely. Perhaps a nice dinner out, too. Tomorrow is also my 28th wedding anniversary, so I'll be a bit sad, I'm sure. The daughter will have to smack me good, no doubt, to get me out of my blues. Sunday morning, I'll go on the Metro to the Gare de Lyon with her, and put her on the airport bus. Then, I'll need to get myself organized, as I go home on Monday. A long plane ride with a cold ought to be a lovely adventure. I may need to buy another box of mouchoirs!

Tonight, we're going to watch the remaining episodes of "The Tudors". Nothing like a little light history and some heavy-duty bodice-ripping to cheer us up! And, I swear, tomorrow I'm turning the alarm on so we don't sleep until noon.

I hope each and every one of you had a great Christmas Day, in whatever fashion you chose to spend it.

Cheers!

Still Breathing...

Yes, the Princess and I are in Paris, and we're dragging. She arrived Sunday morning, but her suitcase did not. Apparently, it was still in Washington, D.C. Rats! So, after futzing around at the airport, putting in a claim, etc., etc., she finally arrived via airport bus at the Gare de Lyon over two hours after she would otherwise have arrived. Poor baby -- she was really really tired and upset when she got off that bus... I felt so bad! I bought her a brioche and a latte at the station, and then we jumped on the Metro and went to the flat. She pronounced it acceptable.

Our first outing was to the Musée D'Orsay, one of my favorite places in Paris. We walked through the barren Tuileries Gardens, over the Seine, and hit the museum. Unfortunately, I am in the process of coming down with The Crud, and she was both exhausted and jet-lagged, so perhaps it wasn't the highlight of her trip. But, I'm glad we saw it, and it was glorious as always. Then, we went back to the flat, rested up a bit, and then hit a local bistro (literally down the block) for dinner. It was a C+ meal at best; very disappointing.

Yesterday, we basically laid around all day, waiting for her bag to be delivered. The promised time frame was any time from 11:00AM to 3:30PM. Which really irritated both of us -- we're not in a hotel, and there's no old concierge lurking around who could take possession of the bag. So, we were stuck. We tried to call the airline's baggage desk all day to get an update, but those clever folks just don't answer! And, we found they work from 0630 to 1430 and that's it! What's up with that? I finally dragged her out for a coffee at around 4:00PM, to a local dive. It did not make her feel comfortable... Then, back to the flat to rest a bit more. Finally, at around 7:30PM, we decided to hit the pizzeria across the street for dinner (I simply did not feel well enough to cook); but, literally as we were putting our coats on, the luggage delivery service called, and voila! Her bag arrived! So, all is well in the universe. The pizza was about a "B", and that was that. We went back to the flat, and watched a couple of episodes of "The Tudors" (an HBO series). I was underwhelmed. Beautiful costumes, thin on plot and detail. But watching Sam Neill as Cardinal Wolsey was a hoot! He'll always be Reilly, Ace of Spies, to me! Then, to sleep. Apparently, I snored badly last night... Humpf... Well, I am quite congested and feel like dog meat, so I'm not surprised.

We swore that today we would be more active, and we were! First thing this morning, we walked to the local pharmacy where I picked up some migrane meds I had asked them to get for me. (Thank you, French health care system!) Then, off to the Luxembourg Gardens, one of my very favorite places in Paris. Then, to the Galleries Lafayette... The prices were jaw-dropping! I don't remember things being so expensive there, but then again I don't remember a lot. I bought a hat (as I had lost my other one), and spritzed myself with lovely perfumes. I may purchase one before I go home. Or not. We then hit the lingerie department, and it was astonishing. I don't think I have the chutzpah to wear some of that stuff. To say nothing of the fact that it was hideously over-priced (at least to me). So, pretty much a wash-out on the shopping front thus far.

We're off to have coffee with a professional colleague of mine later. He and I were on opposite sides of a monstrous agreement a few years ago, and we developed a deep appreciation of and respect for each other. We've never met in person, so this should be interesting. Then, I promised I'd cook here in the flat tonight, as we're both just wiped out. Then, early to bed. Not sure what tomorrow's activity is.

Please do check out my flickr.com photostream for the latest additions to the photo record of this trip!

I hope all of you are keeping warm and dry, wherever you are.

A bientot!

Okay, okay...

There are a lot of you out there who, when you read this post, will mutter, "I told you so!" But, control yourselves and don't write and tell me. Yes, it's true, being in Paris is a darn good idea, and I'm feeling better already.

So, I'm in Paris, as you know, and it's pretty nice weather (a blue sky, no rain, not too cold), and I'm not weeping and whining about my bad marriage. In fact, I got up this morning, had tea, a shower, breakfast, coffee, and went out to explore. I'm staying in an area I hadn't explored before (the 11th Arr., right next to the Marais). In many ways, to my outsider's eyes, it's a lot like other parts of Paris. But what do I know?

On my travels this morning, I went to a pharmacy, got some ibuprofen (the guy behind the counter -- who used to live in San Francisco -- offered me something with codeine, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet and get it), visited an ATM, went to a different market, and then went into one of the older/oldest markets in Paris, and bought a chicken p'stilla (or b'stilla) (the marvelous Moroccan pastry with meat filling) for lunch, and traded compliments with the woman behind the counter. She said I have a VERY good accent, and that she could understand me quite well! And the b'stilla was positively absolutely lovely and melted in my mouth. I got back to the flat and devoured half of it, along with a nice little beer. Life is good.

What amazed me is how my spirits lifted once I was out and about, and forced to speak in French. I smile, they smile, we all smile, and I don't feel so bad. I still managed to squeeze out a few tears, thinking about my spouse's behavior, but in general, perhaps I'm getting resigned to it. He's treated me badly and unfairly, and been extraordinarily duplicitous, and morally reprehensible, and taken advantage of me, and is pretty spineless, but there you go. Perhaps it's all for the best, because I needed something to ensure that I don't open myself up to yet more hurt from him. But, I probably will, you know... Sigh... I wish, truly wish, that things had turned out differently for us, but they didn't, so I'll just play this one out.

OK, enough whinging about that for the moment. Time to brush my teeth, put on my toasty new Ugg boots, and go walk the other way on the boulevard, toward Place de Bastille. Perhaps I'll feel a surge of revolutionary spirit! Or, perhaps I'll hop on the Metro and go to the Luxembourg Gardens (my usual -- up to this trip -- first activity in Paris), and contemplate my past, my present and my future. Then I'll get a coffee, perhaps. Or not.

I also saw little Christmas trees in the market; was sorely tempted to buy one. Perhaps not, though. Maybe a wreath? Just for the smell... Hmmmm...

Well, enough for now. More later. A bientot!

Bien, Je Suis a Paris!

Well, I'm here. Easy flight from the US. I got upgraded to Business (yesss!!!), but was exhausted, and basically just slept like the dead all the way over. Actually, I'm not sure if I ever even had dinner! I was watching "Ghost Town", and I remember having my salad, and a roll, and the appetizer, and then -- poof! -- it was morning and we were half an hour outside Paris! Who knows... I also noticed that the wallpaper photo on my iPhone was different, and my earphones were connected to the iPhone and neatly wrapped around it. I have no flipping recollection of doing that... Elves?

Made it to the flat just fine. I've posted some photos on my flickr.com photostream for anyone who's interested. [NOTE: For some reason I do not understand, the URL for my flickr.com photostream does not seem to be showing up; I suppose if you go to flickr.com and search for "elinorina" you'll find it.] They should be on the front page, or in the set entitled "Travel". They're all titled "Paris 12/08" -- how creative... The flat is located conveniently (not too far from the Place de Bastille, near a metro), and it's in an older building (well, older for the US -- built in the 1800s, we think). It's on the first floor (i.e., up one flight of narrow, windy, wooden stairs), and it's a lovely big room. There are high ceilings, nice furniture, three big windows looking out onto the inner courtyard, a teensy weensy kitchen, a loo, and a shower/laundry room. I have beer, wine and champagne, and some decent cheese, bread, butter and jam. I'm set. Good radio, flat-screen TV, DVD player, Internet access. I am set!

Weather was cold and a bit drizzly. Hope it's better tomorrow. I'm too old and cranky to enjoy shlepping around in bad weather! I want to do a bit of exploration tomorrow, and see if I can find an ATM and a place to buy a French SIM for my travel phone. Then, I'll be set.

I can hardly wait for my daughter to arrive -- it's not comfortable for me, being alone here, and I know we'll have a great time together. I need to do a bit of planning and exploring before she gets here, so we'll have a bit of a plan. Having Christmas Day in the middle of our trip does cut down on some of the time we'd otherwise have to see things, but we'll be fine. We can always just hang out here, drink wine, read books, and watch DVDs. Not a bad idea! And I'll cook something. Not sure what, but something.

Well, I'm still tired, so I think it's time to retire. More tomorrow! A bientot!

Road Trip, Part 2.1

So, tomorrow (Wednesday) I'm off to Paris to spend Christmas there with The Darling Daughter. It's been a good visit here in Massachusetts... I've enjoyed spending time with my best buddy, who turns out to be the only person I know who has more towels than I do! For that, a huge shout-out to J!!! It's been good, and relaxing. But cold. I really dislike Winter here in the Northeast. Big time. Today, I walked up to the center of town (maybe a 15-minute walk), and my forehead hurt, my cheeks hurt, my nose was dripping (well, surging), and I was really irritated. This is what I went through for the first 20 years or so of my life, every year! No wonder I acted out! Anyone would go mad in this kind of weather! And, the Summer... yucckkkk.... Hot, sweaty, humid, no let-up even at night... I was happy for about a month in the Fall and a month in the Spring, and that was it. I swear, the night I landed in Los Angeles, in April 1970, I thought I had died and gone to heaven! The sky was clear, there were stars, the breeze was soft as a lover's kiss... Ahhhh... I never looked back...

Anyway, I also had one of the best massages of my life this afternoon. An hour and a half. It was exquisite. I may survive the plane ride tomorrow... The lady who did the massage is the current girlfriend of my friend's housemate. I really liked her. She's very very very good. If I were here longer, I'd go back and get another massage! I will need to find a massage in Paris, as I'm sure I'll be all cricked up from the plane ride and my emotional turmoil.

I also finished my latest novel (as in reading it, not writing it) today, and did some crocheting on a market bag I want to use when I go shopping in Paris. (You know, it's just not au courant to use plastic bags any more!) And just kicked it. Bought a little teensy weensy bit of fabric at a local quilting fabric store (and a pattern for a retro-style apron), and a lovely little black camisole at a lovely lingerie store. So, major coups. Oh, and a big tote bag was on sale at the local luggage shop (I now have one in black and one in screaming lime green). All in all, a good visit. I'm sorry we live so far apart, as I'd really love to spend more time with my buddy... But, perhaps absence makes the heart grow fonder... I'd love for her to come hang out with me in California... Keep me company in my house, which will shortly be huge and empty (except for me), as I'm thinking the spousal unit will, once our decision is made, decamp to our rental house on the other side of San Francisco Bay, as he prepares for his second marriage to you-know-who... It will be heartbreaking and lonely, but I'm sure I'll survive. The first thing, I'll get a new bed. Out with the old, in with the new. And lots of new sheets. Symbolic? Perhaps...

I'm still really sad, and cried a bit this morning as I lay in bed, but not totally hysterical as I used to be. Although I'm sure that will happen at least once or twice again. But, I promised all my friends, and my son, that I would have fun and enjoy myself in Paris. And, I intend to keep that promise. My daughter will be there to kick my butt if I start wallowing. I am doing my best not to descend into bitterness and anger... But it might be hard from time to time... Right now, I'm still at the mourning (sadness) stage. Shoot, it's such a drag. I wish I could jump-start my recovery, but I guess it's one of those things that you just have to let do its thing, eh?

Well, time to tackle the suitcase. I think I need to sort things out and start using the second bag, or I'll never be able to lift the damn suitcase! I'm not sure why it is that I feel compelled to shlepp so much stuff with me... No doubt due to some childhood trauma...

May you all be enjoying yourselves, wherever and whatever.

Cheers!

Brrrr...

So, I've made it to Massachusetts, and am staying with my best friend from high school. We were talking last night, and figured out that we met when I was only 13 and she had just turned 15. Jeez, that is AGES ago! But, we are still as funny and cute and compatible as ever. There were decades when we weren't in touch, and for the life of us, we're not sure why that happened. I deeply regret that. I would have liked to see her as a mom, raising her kids, and I would have liked to have had her get to know my kids when they were younger. Oh, well, much as in my marriage, you can't un-ring the bell nor change one day of the past. You can only accept where you are, and go on from here.

The weather is cold, much colder than I am comfortable with. Yes, one of the many reasons I picked up and moved to California (well, to be fair, elected to stay in California) was the weather there, vs. the weather in New York City, where I'm from. It wasn't even really really really cold here, nor was it raining/snowing/sleeting/etc. Just cold. I did remember to bring my thermal underwear, and that made it quite comfortable to be outside in my jeans. And, I bought new Ugg boots (not the traditional Ugg boots, but a more stylish pair), and they are toasty warm. I also have a sweater, a fleece hat, gloves, a scarf -- the whole shooting match! I'm told that tomorrow (Monday) will be Spring-like -- should be in the 50s! Woo-hoo! I'll wander downtown and meet her for lunch (she has to work tomorrow), and just generally hang out. What luxury!

Then, on Wednesday, I fly to Paris. Yep, it's tough, but someone has to do it. I'm hopeful that Paris will distract me from my sorrow and sadness, and that I'll enjoy myself. Right now, I am so very, very sad. My therapist (and my friends) (and many magazine articles) all assure me that many, many people have walked this path before me, and that I will get through it, but that I need to walk the path myself. I really dislike this pain. Really really really. I'm also so very angry at the circumstances. I truly thought that, if I beamed enough love at the issue, and tried hard enough, and directed enough energy into "fixing" things, all would turn out well. Unfortunately, that probably won't be the case. And, if one remembers what I said in a very early post, it's more than likely that, years from now, I'll look back and say, hey it all worked out the way it was supposed to, and things are fine. I keep telling myself that, and I must admit it's pretty cold comfort at this point in my journey. But, I really don't have a choice -- the journey was not my choice, but I'm in the middle of it, and I'm not able to go back, only forward. I just wish I were not dealing with such uncertainty from the other partner on this journey. I wish he'd just make a decision, so we can both move forward. Or, more accurately, I wish he'd just screw his courage to the sticking point and tell me what decision he's made, as I do believe he's made it. This is just driving me nuts... But, this unwillingness or inability to deliver "bad news" is one of the reasons we're in this mess. Ach, what a cluster.

Well, it's late, and I had way too much wine with dinner, so I'll sign off and attempt to sleep.

Cheers!

Hack, Hack, Cough, Cough... and Ruminations

So, I've been really moving at about 30% speed for a couple of weeks. When I was wandering Arizona and New Mexico on my aborted road trip, I picked up some bug or other, and it hasn't gone away. (I am assuming that I'm a very gracious host, and the bug is moving in for the long Winter ahead...) I feel, occasionally, a little feverish, my chest hurts/aches a little, I'm hacking up little uglies (you know what I mean), and I break out into quite a sweat at the least effort. Hmmm... It's either a viral thing (in which case it will just run it's course, provided I don't exert myself too much) or, god forbid, pneumonia. (Years ago, I had pneumonia, and ever sense it's been with me -- if I get sick, it goes to my chest... I've been examined up one side and down the other, and all the doctors say I'm in fine shape... which I am, until I get sick!!!!)

Anyway, I've been taking it relatively slow this week. I did have lunch with two different buddies from The Company this week, and drinks with another alumnus from The Company (she's now working somewhere else), and it was SUPER to see each of them. I miss working with each and every one of them, truly. But, the more I hear about the nonsense going on at The Company, the more relieved I am that I'm not in the middle of the Dreaded Vortex of Stupidity... Last night, I did go to a holiday "do" at the home of the head of the local community college district. (I had applied for the empty seat on the district's Board of Trustees, but was not chosen, which is actually fine with me.) Lots of folks from the District and from the greater community were there. It was good to see everyone. The hostess recently lost her husband of 23 years, and I must say, she's holding up remarkably well. I think she's a lot like me -- a "tough broad" to the external world, but basically a cream puff inside... Her birthday is two days before mine... I think I'll drag her out for a festive dinner... with champagne. I think she's turning 60 this year, so she'll need a bit of hoo-hah for her birthday.

The other thing that has surprised me this week is: how many tears the human body can produce. I truly thought I could hold it together, and not burst into tears for these next couple of days here at home (before I leave on Saturday morning to go Back East, and freeze my katookies off), as a I contemplate the virtual certainty of my husband deciding to walk away from me and our marriage, to mary The Other Woman ("Her"), to fulfill some ill-conceived "promise" to Her (I'd use a more pejorative term for this female twit, but that would probably violate some blog guideline, and it would really be beneath me, in terms of dignity, so please feel free to fill in your own pet name for Her) -- to bring Her, and the daughter, to the US. This, of course, is on top of all the money we've sent to Her and the family over the past year... I personally think his obsession with Her is just irrational and heavily swathed in some Old White Guy/Young Asian Babe fantasy package, but what do I know. I think I am the only person on the face of the earth who thinks, even occasionally, that it might be a good idea to stay together and attempt to rebuild this marriage. Anyway, yesterday and last night, we had some pretty upsetting conversations, and I just fell apart. I am so MAD at myself for doing that... I really honestly thought I could hold it together for these last few days, before I leave for my time away, but apparently not. He says he "loves" Her and he must think that the heavy price he'll pay to be with Her (i.e., walking away from me, shattering his family) is worth it. I've thrown up my hands. What pisses me off is, all this past year, the repeated promises about staying with me and building a future with me... what was THAT all about? It would have hurt less, perhaps, if had just had enough courage to tell me, last year, that he wanted a divorce, and that was that. But, he didn't, and we are where we are. He also let me know that, yes, he calls her just about every day, "just to say hi". Really??? On the iPhone I gave him? Grrrrr....

Anyway, I am amazed at how many tears were left. And I am also amazed at JUST HOW BAD I LOOK THIS MORNING!!! If you're going to cry at night, I guess the thing to do is sleep (if you can) on a relatively high pillow, so the fluid doesn't settle into your eyelids and lovely little pouches under your eyes. Ask me how I know this... :-) Hahahaha...

So, today, I get to check over my wardrobe for the trip, make sure I've got all my thermal underwear laid out, that it's clean, that I've got boots and slippers and socks... Send some emails to contacts in Paris, to see who might be around to have drinks with, just for grins... I should go to the bookstore and see what materials they have on Paris; I mean, I've been there a bunch, but the sightseeing portion of my trips has been seriously hit-and-miss. Maybe, this time, I should be a bit more prepared... Hmmm....

Today is lovely -- clear and crisp. I may actually haul my sorry self off the sofa and go take a walk, and see who's doing what in the neighborhood. I love to check on the progress of all the remodeling and construction projects. The McMansions are invading our neighborhood, which is kind of sad. But, the City's planning commission (a limp bunch, IMHO) keep blessing these projects, for reasons I don't understand, so there you go. Being outside usually tends to cheer me up no end.

And, I am SO looking forward to hanging with my best buddy, JM, for the weekend and a few days thereafter. She's working up a head of steam to smack me around my head and shoulders for not kicking the spousal unit to the curb months ago. I guess she's got a point, but I've done what made me happy in the moment. [NOTE: Since I wrote the original post, my daughter has weighed in on this comment; it is her opinion that I was not doing things to make myself happy but, rather, taking the more comfortable path at the moment, because I am/was afraid of investigating the alternative, which is not being with the husband; it's been almost 28 years, after all, and over the past couple of years, I have very much committed myself to attempting to right the wrongs of the past. So, observation noted.] If, in the long run, that was the wrong thing to do, well, I'll take that risk. Who knows, anyway, what is right and what is wrong, between a married couple. (Well, there are some things that are clearly wrong, and I've either done or been the recipient of pretty much all of them.)

And then, off to Paris for ten days, with the Daughter (my Darling Daughter)! Yesss!!! It'll be totally odd to celebrate Christmas away from home, but it's what needs to happen. My first Christmas away from home was spent in India. Wow! That was really EXOTIC!!! My then-boyfriend and I were in India, so he could visit his family. It was my first trip outside the United States, and my eyes really were as big as saucers! We stayed in Mumbai, in the Taj Mahal Hotel (yes, the one that was decimated in the recent terrorist attacks). Our room looked out on the Gateway to India memorial, and I remember how disconcerting it was, to sit in the room window, to feel the warm breezes off the water, to look at the palms and the felucca boats, and to hear the traditional Christmas carols wafting up (there were a group of folks, down next to the Gateway to India, singing away)... Wow... Blew my mind! I'm sure that Paris will not be quite so exotic (or maybe it will), but it should be great.

OK, I think I need to go work on various little projects around the house. Tonight is our monthly sip-n-sew gathering, and I am prepared. Bringing both red and white wine, as well as little jars of my homemade apple butter for the ladies. Should be fun! No doubt the ladies will also smack me around about my marriage. Oh great.

I hope you are all ready for whatever holiday festivities you celebrate or engage in...

TGI Flippin' F!

Oy, what a week... Nothing terrible, just felt like I was dragging... Well, I was... These undefined, vague viral maladies will kick your butt, and there's really nothing to do, other than rest and slug down some TheraFlu from time to time. I feel better today, thanks to copious ingestions of TheraFlu yesterday, and only one glass of wine with dinner... No Cosmo last night (I'm not nuts). And, it's a nice day here today (a bit crisp but lovely), have already washed three cars (so I'm not ashamed to be seen on the streets), and am getting ready to go run errands. Tonight, foot rub at the local Chinese foot rub spa, then the usual Friday night routine at a local watering hole (drinks, pupus and molten chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream). Life is OK... Other than the throbbing menacing presence just out of sight, behind that bush over there...

My daughter is getting ready for her first set of finals in her last year at college. I cannot believe how quickly the time has flown... She was in preschool just yesterday! I am so very proud of her, and all that she's accomplished over the past few years. She's a lovely young woman, full of common sense, generosity of spirit, compassion, empathy, and a wicked sense of humor. I take full credit, of course! She said earlier this week, in one of our many phone calls, that I must plan on attending her graduation. Well, no kidding! There are very few things in the world that would keep me away... actually, only if I were in the ICU, hooked up to a bunch of wires and tubes... and if I couldn't be moved... I will be bawling my eyes out, of course, but what a day to look forward to!

And, with regard to the son, I was cleaning out my sewing room (aka The Great Pit) yesterday, as I've been doing for weeks, and came across a journal entry, on a piece of notebook paper, that I had written the night my son was born (he was born just before lunchtime, so I presume I was somewhat coherent when I wrote the entry, as it appears to have been done at night)... It was pretty touching... I don't even remember writing it... I'll probably stick it in his baby book, all the better to embarrass him later...

I've also been expanding my LinkedIn network. I guess it's kind of like FaceBook for adults... I really need to get myself out there, and find a new job... I must say, I've enjoyed not working these past few months... I really really REALLY needed the rest, but reality is intruding. I could not have dealt with all the personal challenges in my marriage if I had to show up, bright and cheery, at an office every day, and perform. So, even though I was bummed at leaving The Company, as usual, things worked out for the best. I just need to have faith in fate!

Well, that's enough dithering. Off to run errands and grab lunch. I hope you all are doing well, and looking forward to a lovely weekend.

Cheers!

Yes, I AM a Domestic Goddess

An interim post: The apple butter, if I may say so, is SUPERB... It's cooked way longer than I expected, and it still needs to cook a bit more, just to thicken up a bit, but it is yummy. I still think there's a tad too much cinnamon, but that's a minimal cavil. I cannot believe how a full crock pot of chopped apples cooked down to one-third of a crock pot full... Wow... Well, friends, there will be a lot of apple butter gifts at Christmas, I believe!

Now, I'm thinking, somewhere there has got to be a recipe for strawberry butter... But I need to wait until summer for that, as the strawberries that are in the store now are really tasteless... I still put them on my cereal in the morning, but they're not very good...

And, need to call doctor; am suffering from some undefined viral crap... Blast!

More later...

All Quiet on the Western Front

Well, OK, I know that's probably a violation of some IP law somewhere, but I could not think of a decent title for today's post. Really, there's nothing going on. I'm back, in my own home, and loving it. I had no idea how MUCH I really didn't like traveling by myself, being in a funk, and being away from my home. It's funny when you think about it, because for years I really wasn't very comfortable in this house, and didn't think of it as truly my *home* . . . But, now that I really contemplate the chances of NOT living here in a couple of years, I find myself very much attached to this place. Also, having time to just hang out here, since I'm no longer working at The Company, has really made me appreciate what I have here... In fact, I'm a virtual domestic goddess these days... Am trying out a recipe for apple butter. I have no idea WHY apple butter, but know that I got a major jones going lately about apple butter. So, I bought a bunch of apples (Gala and Fuji), chopped them up, threw them in the crockpot with some apple cider, way too much sugar, and spices (too much cinnamon -- note for next time), and it's merrily cooking away... We'll see how it is in the morning.

Other than that, I'm just kind of riding the waves of my life. The domestic situation is in flux, my professional career is on hold, other semi-professional activities are all over the damn place, and I have no idea where I'll be a month or two months or three months from now. But, I'm feeling much more stable, emotionally, and have realized I just need to buck up and stop whining. There are far worse things that could be happening to me, other than the betrayal by my spouse... Truly... I have a friend whose husband passed away last week, and she's devastated. I have acquaintances who have serious illnesses, whose partners have died, whose kids are in jail, etc., etc. And, there are people in the world who are in far worse straits than I. This is the kind of stuff I think about. So, I'm promising myself to stop whining and moaning, and just hang out and see what happens, and roll with it. I have money in the bank (some), my health (pretty good), my looks (not too bad for an old bat), pretty good figure (all things considered), food in the cupboard, lots of trash novels and decent novels to read, lots of fabric to sew (!), and on and on... So, I shall knock it off...

I'm not feeling much Christmas spirit this year, however. Since both the spousal unit and I will be away from home on Christmas (our agreement to spend time alone covers the Christmas holiday, as well as our anniversary), we decided not to buy any kind of tree (real or artificial). And, since we've been horribly extravagant lately, we (well, he) decided that we won't be buying each other any presents. So, there you go. I should buy the kids something, though. My son excoriated me recently for just giving him cash the past few Christmases. (He is the one who criticizes me endlessly for all my errors and omissions, and sometimes he's actually sort of right...) My daughter doesn't criticize, but I really do need to figure out something interesting for her. Since she reads this blog occasionally, I will not disclose here what I'm planning... She'll just have to wait!

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln...

Hope you all are doing well. Cheers!

The Best Laid Plans...

So, remember how I was going to spend a week or more wandering through New Mexico? Well, it would seem that the fates had something else in mind for me. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am back in Cupertino! That is a hell of a lot of driving in a very short length of time. Good thing I like driving, but this was ridiculous. It was a 10-hour day for me today, and that's just about more than I've ever spent driving in my life! I did make it to Albuquerque, and toured around Old Town in the cold and the rain on Thanksgiving Day, but that was about it. I am irritated beyond imagining that I didn't make it to Santa Fe, or really have any down time at all. I did read a couple of novels, and got a fair amount of sewing done on my Hawaiian quilting project (a table runner), and did some knitting, and a lot of thinking, but...

Anyway, all is well, or as well as it can be, under the circumstances. I did enjoy driving through the high desert. It was amazing to me that the high desert of California, and that in Arizona and New Mexico, are so wildly different! The high desert in California is very much volcanic -- like the ground was gunched together, and the mountains were formed. In Arizona and New Mexico, you can plainly see that, once upon a long, long time ago, some pretty impressive water or ice flows went through there, and carved away at the rocks, leaving these incredible formations... I love the striations in the rock, and the gorgeous colors. It was very very soothing... Driving through Arizona, you cross these washes (dry creek beds). One of my favorites was Holy Moses Wash. There's also a "lllavar wash"... I can't figure out if that's an upper-case "I" (eye) followed by two lower-case "ls" (ells), or what. My recollection is that "llavar", in Spanish, means "to wash". Too confusing for me, makes my head hurt.

As I was driving along, there was an announcement that came on the radio, recruiting subjects for a "medical study" on General Anxiety Disorder. I listened to the so-called symptoms, and frankly it just sounded like I used to feel every day when I was working at The Company! Who knew? I would have checked myself in somewhere, had I known I had a "disorder"!!!

Well, I am working on my zen attitude. Going with the flow. Breathing. Waiting to see what tomorrow holds. Ought to be a laugh riot. Or not.

Cheers!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well, here I am, in Albuquerque, New Mexico, on Thanksgiving Day, 2008. Who could have predicted this? Last year, Thanksgiving was hideous, as it was the day on which I discovered my spouse's bad acts... I had hoped that, by this year, things would have gotten resolved. However, we're still in the throes of a dying marriage, I think, and it's a painful, lingering death. Maybe. Who knows... But, here I am, and I have lots of great friends, money in the bank, nice clothes, food in my cupboards, and a decent life expectancy ahead of me... So, it could be a heck of a lot worse, and I just need to stop whining and moaning...

I woke up with a hideous headache, to a cold, grey sky, and rain. On the upside, I found the Starbucks -- right across the street! I'm not sure if I'm coming down with a virus of some sort, or whether it's altitude issues (one wouldn't think so, since I've been high up for a couple of days), or -- perhaps -- it's a mild hangover (okay, two Cosmos last night and no dinner and then the jacuzzi might, just might, have had something to do with it)...

The drive from Flagstaff to Albuquerque was easy, and it's always great to see the magnificent landscape of the desert. Truly amazing rock formations... I don't think I'd want to do this drive again in this lifetime (!), but I've enjoyed it thus far. Later today, if the rain lets up and my headache abates, I'm going to take myself off to Old Town, and walk about. (Yes, I know everything will be closed, but that's OK... I need to get out of this hotel room!)

I was planning on staying here until Saturday morning, and then heading up to Santa Fe for a few days. Unfortunately, plans have changed (the way they have a habit of doing), and I'm going to have to head back to California, to attend a Board meeting of an organization I'm seeking to join, on Monday night. Blast! But, it's the right thing to do. So, I'll pull out of Albuquerque tomorrow (Friday) afternoon, and haul my sorry self back to California. I'm really so not looking forward to that long drive, right on the heels of the first drive... I did think about flying to California and then flying back to New Mexico, to resume the road trip, but there are other things that I need to attend to in California (including a memorial service for a friend's husband who passed away last week -- I had no idea, and she's really having a hard time, as well as another Board meeting on 12/8, which I will have to be at, if I'm one of the finalists for the position), so I think it's time to just bow to circumstances.

However, I still have my reservations to take off on Dec. 13th, for the East Coast, and then on to Paris, for Christmas. That's all bought and paid for, and it would take something massive for me to call that off. Like, I'm not sure what... But it would have to be spectacular.

Well, that's it for the moment. I hope all of you are enjoying the day, and take care!

Day Two

So, what happened to Day One? Well, it didn't get blogged about... I got on the road on Monday around 11:00AM, which was later than I wanted, but way too much to do -- threw too much stuff in the car, including two suitcases, and figured I'd sort it out later. It was a long haul from Cupertino until I hit I-5, including going across Route 152... Driving was actually pretty easy, although punctuated with bouts of crying. (Silly girl...) I stayed in Barstow, California last night, at a pretty nice Best Western. Had dinner at the local Carrow's, and spied the Starbucks...

This morning, had a quick bite at the hotel, hit Starbucks, and got on the road by 8:15AM. I actually slept pretty well last night, which was amazing, all things considered. (Thank god for Ambien CR...) I really enjoyed driving through the high desert... Just acres and acres of sky and scrub and not much else. The colors are beautiful -- muted and harmonious. The one thing that struck me was how many freight trains I saw, everywhere along the way! Got gas in Needles, had lunch in Kingman, and have stopped in Flagstaff, Arizona for the night. I opted to get off the road now (about 4:30 local time), rather than pushing on to Gallup, New Mexico. I have some work to do (applying for a position on the local junior college board of trustees), and I figured I would get to work on it now, before I get totally dingy.

I am still somewhat morose about this whole road trip, and feeling irritated at being, in essence, forced to be the one who left and is wandering around. I know it's absolutely positively the right thing for me to do, but that doesn't mean I'll do it gracefully. I'm not good at that sort of thing (doing things gracefully, that is) (particularly things that are good for me). Perhaps, at the end of it, I'll feel differently about it. Maybe.

Hope all of you are doing well!

Monday and Hysteria

Well, okay, not really hysteria, just angst and anxiety. Packing for the road trip is in progress. Most of the home-based chores are done, I've printed out my step-by-step driving route (thank you, Auto Club!), have all kinds of safety supplies in the car, and (from what the pile looks like) everything I own needs to get stuffed into two suitcases and numerous tote bags!

There's more than a little irritation in me right now, about leaving my own home -- why should I leave? Why shouldn't he be the one to decamp? Well, because my little bird, you're the one who needs to put some time and space between you and him, remember? To bolster the cutting of the emotional chains? Remember all that? It's easier to leave today, because he's not here. (He's in Southern California, retrieving the two old Jaguar cars we bought in the UK...) It is hard enough as it is.

I'll probably poop out earlier than I'd like today, and stay somewhere in Southern California. (I have visions of passing out along the road in Death Valley...) Hopefully, will be pulling into Albuquerque at some point tomorrow (Tuesday). We shall see. I'm looking forward to this, I think... Oh, hell, I'm not sure what I'm feeling! It's my hope that, by the end of this trip, I'll have a little more clarity in my head and in my heart.

To all of you out there who have been so supportive, there are no words to thank you for all the love and care. I do feel it, trust me.

Take care of yourselves on this dreary Monday...

Time and Pain

It was one year ago, today, that I found out about events that had occurred, that blew my world (my personal world, my marriage, my assumptions about my marriage) apart. I've been dreading this anniversary. I woke up this morning at about 5:00AM, with a pounding, hideous migrane. All day, my stomach has been roiling, and my soul has been heavy. The spouse knows how I feel, but that doesn't make it any easier. We're both very tense about the upcoming separation, and how we'll both deal, being apart from each other.

This has been, pretty much, a very bad year. But, on the up side, I've learned a lot about myself, about my spouse, and about my children. I've had some really fun times, and some really really REALLY bad times. I'm sure that, at some point in the future, it will all become clear to me why I had to go through this. Or not.

I have not yet started packing for my road trip, but I did finish my second dress. (All that's left to do is the hem, which I can do tomorrow.) It's overwhelming, when I start thinking about all the stuff I need to haul in the car, but I'm sure I'll do just fine. I haven't traveled on my own before, and this is very nerve-wracking. But, I believe, necessary.

I wish I could focus, and write more, but I can't. It's taking everything I have just to maintain my demeanor, and not burst into tears. Well, to be honest, I don't think I have the energy for tears right now. I'm just numb.

I'll do my best to post as I make my way through New Mexico and other points on the trip. It ought to be interesting.

Peace out.

Adieu, My Rover...

So, we went down to SoCal, to deal with the cars that got shipped here from England. We got to the dock, saw the two Jags, and were incredibly relieved... One never knows whether these things will actually show up! As I was standing around, cooling my heels, I noticed a Rover over in a part of the lot. I walked closer and, lo and behold, it was OUR very Rover -- the one we bought in England, drove around, and shipped back here.

Of course, I was thrilled! We'd been having all kinds of issues with getting clearance from all the right US government agencies to bring the Rover into the country. According to my spouse, there was no issue with the EPA; however, there was an issue with the DOT (Department of Transportation). Apparently, the glitch was that the Rover is a right-hand drive car. And, it's not old enough to be exempt from the requirement that the only cars which can be imported into the US, for sale and use in the US, are left-hand drive cars. (I do not understand the reasoning, but I'm sure some minion, working in a basement somewhere, having been sufficiently massaged by the Detroit/American auto industry, came up with some facially reasonable justification for this requirement.) Anyway, after much back and forth with the US Customs and Border Protection authorities (all of whom were great and sympathetic and immoveable), it was determined that the Rover could NOT be imported into the US. What does that mean? It had to be destroyed! Yes, gunched! So, we scrambled around and arranged for the destruction, and we ended the afternoon watching our car get crunched by some incredible huge insect-like machine; that puppy just ate the Rover in less than a minute. It was awfully scary, and very traumatic. What a bloody waste.

And, of course, we didn't manage to get clearance to get the Jags out of the yard, so we drove home without them, too. How very frustrating! My spouse and our son will drive down next Sunday, and spend next Monday liberating the Jags (assuming that all the appropriate approvals and blessings and stampings and forms and god knows what have been obtained)... I am leaving on my six-week road trip on Sunday, so I won't be able to assist this time.

All very sad. But, somehow emblematic of the way things are turning out in my life. Sometimes, in order to move forward, things that one had an attraction to, need to be just destroyed. Pulverized. Into little bitty pieces. Then, melted down into core elements, and re-used to build something new (and, hopefully, shiny and full of integrity).

Other than that, I'm working on one more dress that I want to take with me on my trip. My vision is that this will be an elegant dress, but one never knows until it's at least basted up. We shall see. It's basically a wearable muslin, using fairly inexpensive rayon jersey that I found in one of our local cheapo fabric stores. I would hate to cut into $15/yard fabric (or even more expensive) and then look like a dog's breakfast! If this dress does work, perhaps I'll wear it with my beautiful Hong Kong pearls... I really like those...

Still working on keeping my emotional well-being in sync. It's really hard. I've been brooding on the implications of betrayal, again. It just gets up my nose when people aren't up front with me. I hate hate hate passive-aggressive behavior, and I've been subjected to that a little bit more than I'd like.

I sense that I'm beginning to ramble. Tomorrow, I shall post photos of my latest two sewing projects, if I can figure out how to actually get the photos into this blog. For some reason, I'm having terrible trouble figuring out how to do it. Jeez.

OK, everyone, enjoy the evening!

Dos Margaritas, Por Favor...

Yep, it's been a long time since I had a margarita. However, needs must. I'm here in Oxnard, in Southern California, with my husband. We're on a mission to retrieve the two vintage Jaguars we bought in England, which have now arrived in the US. It's iffy if we can actually get them and drive them back to our home tomorrow, so both of us are a tad whipped up. No stones are being cast at anyone regarding the f'd up state of affairs regarding knowing in advance just what is needed to spring the cars from the custody of the US Government, by the way. But, we're here, with papers and money and all kinds of explanations, so perhaps we'll get lucky.

When I last lived in Southern California (about 24 years ago), I don't recall Oxnard being anything other than a laid-back surfer town. But, when we pulled in, the town is bigger, dingier (sorry, Oxnardians), and far more Latino in flavor than we recalled. Bottom line, we ended up going to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. (The spouse hates Mexican food, so his agreement to try the place was astonishing.) Anyway, in order not to insult the ownership of the restaurant, I was FORCED to have a Margarita to begin the festivities. In fact, I was FORCED to have another, just to save face. I cannot feel my face at this point, after the two Margaritas, so they (the Margaritas) get two thumbs-up. I think my fish tacos were good, but can't remember exactly...

The drive down Highway 101 from the Bay Area was lovely. Years and years ago, when I was in law school at Berkeley, and the then-boyfriend was languishing in Los Angeles, I'd make that drive at least once a month. Highway 5 is fast and straight, but BORING... Highway 101 is lovely, slower, and more interesting. We left our home at 11:30AM, made two brief stops, and pulled into Oxnard at about 6:30PM. Not too bad. And, if things work tomorrow, we get to turn around and drive back to the Bay Area! My back will be in spasm, so I will need at least one glass of wine when we get home, maybe two.

I have fallen apart, emotionally, several times in the past few days. I am so torn about this upcoming road trip/separation. But, everyone agrees that I need it -- we both need it -- and it'll probably be fine, but it's been a long time since I've taken off on my own. (Well, I'll be with my DD for the last part, and it will be fabulous, but the first part is just me and the open road.) I'm so used to either traveling on business with colleagues (you know who you are, Bao Sister), or with my husband, that this is freaking me out. I also think it's terribly terribly sad that, for the first time in 28 years, we'll be apart on Christmas and our anniversary. Well, given where I think things are heading, and all the crap we've been through, it's probably just as well. But it will still hurt.

I was making a list of all the crapola I want to stash in my car, and really I'm going to look like a traveling tinker! I've got books, magazines, sewing projects, clothes (several sets), iPod, iPhone, chargers, computer, blah blah blah... And water, blankets, chains, work gloves, ratty towels... And my own pillow (yes, I am a princess)... To say nothing of all the toiletries I seem to need... (When did I become so high maintenance?) And my CDs... (The music ones, not the financial instruments...)

At this point, I feel myself withdrawing from everyone, emotionally, simply as a defense mechanism. I hate this. I've worked so hard to open myself up, and now I feel just like the old me... Walled off, apparently cold (but most certainly not)... When I think about all the stuff that's gone on this past year, and all the stuff yet to be gone through, it's overwhelming. But, I am strong, I am in good health, I have some money put aside, and I'm smarter than the average bear... I have friends and family who love me and who'll take care of me. I am blessed. I need to keep that in mind.

Whew. That was quite therapeutic... Sorry to vent so much, but...

Have a good week ahead, everyone!

Just Plain Tired...

I feel like that Madeline Kahn character, in "Blazing Saddles" (the takeoff on Marlene Dietrich), who sings, "I'm Tired"... Only, if I were singing it, I'd mean it... I am exhausted... This past year is catching up with me... Turning 60 was sobering, leaving my job was traumatic, and finding out what my husband was up to was shattering. I am not used to being anything other than wildly successful and competent, and for two of the major areas of my life to fall apart was not something I could ignore. (Even I, queen of denial...)

Things have come to a head recently (regarding the marriage) (the job thing is so yesterday's news), and the way forward is pretty much decided. Only not totally. As you know, if you've been reading my posts, I'm going on a road trip, to put some physical distance between my spouse and me. The idea is to give us both the physical and emotional space to think clearly about where we go from here, either together or separately. Frankly, at this point, I'm numb. When I'm not numb, I'm exhausted. When I'm neither numb nor exhausted, I'm pretty damn pissed off. (Thereby covering the gamut of emotions...) There's a part of me that just wants to throw in the towel and say, "Fine, go marry that ***, and see if I care." And, I think that part is growing. I mean, how much effort does one put into a potentially doomed project before you wake up and sense that this is a no-return situation... (As in, no return on investment...)

One more week, and then I hop in the car, and take off. It's going to be a long, long week. I hope I can hold it together. May be tough...

Anyway, I hope all of you are not in the slough of despond, and are looking forward to a very good weekend!

The Upside of Anger [not the movie]

So, I never did see that movie, "The Upside of Anger", although my daughter told me the plot. However, for the past couple of days, I've been meditating on the nature and effect of anger on me and the quality of my life. Used appropriately, anger can focus me, and get me to get off my duff and address whatever it is that's gotten me mad. Sometimes, anger has been an appropriate stage in working through an untenable situation; I'm awfully good at sublimating and smiling while boiling inside... Migranes? No worries... Sometimes, though, I do admit to letting the red devils slither out a bit, and I'll lash out, explicitly or by snarkiness or very passive-aggressive comments. I did the last earlier this week. I ought not to have done it, but at the time, it felt awfully good. Well, okay, not good, but at least familiar. Got to stop that.

In my current situation, anger has served to cause the scales to fall from my eyes, and to look at things with a more realistic bent, and to realize that perhaps it's time to move forward on a path I would not have chosen, but which appears to be the path that's been chosen for me. As my son says, I can't cover the sky with my hand. In other words, wake up and look around, and go with the situation. I've tried to move heaven and earth, and change the time-space continuum, and erase the impact of the past... All to no great effect... But, I'm glad I did it, as I can move forward with a clean heart and clean hands. In one of my earlier posts, I talked about things like this... At the time, the path may not be evident, or may look too rocky to tread, or may appear to be a false path; but, in retrospect, looking back, the path is absolutely clear. Doesn't mean it's fun...

The itinerary for my road trip is coming together. If it all weren't so sad, I'd be excited. The checklist of crapola to take with me is growing exponentially. It's going to be a "learning experience"... I hate "learning experiences"...

Hope all of you are doing well.

Rotten Strawberries

I swear, I have the oddest dreams. (Well, I'm sure everyone thinks their dreams are odd, but go with me on this...) So, last night, I had a dream, wherein I was really excited about buying a box of fresh strawberries. They're at the end of the season now (other than berries imported from elsewhere) and I really do miss them, cut up on my morning cereal. (Bananas are great, but they just don't "do" it for me...)

Anyway, I was in the market (in the dream), found a box, and brought it home. Then, when I opened the box, and started picking up the berries, I found that they were all pretty much rotten. Oozing. Almost liquid in their decay. The disappointment and shock I felt was shockingly intense. In fact, I'm still enveloped by that spiritual miasma...

And, of course, being me, I'm sitting here, brooding about what the strawberries represented. I think I know, but I'm resisting finally buying into it. On the up side, at least I'm starting to get in touch with my disappointment and shock, of finding out that things simply aren't what I thought. (OK, I know, this is all shockingly obvious...)

Still trying to wrap my head around the itinerary for my road trip. Where do I go? For how long? Where will I stay? Aaacckkk... I hate planning. And, right now, I'm not doing very well in terms of concentrating on details. And this is not a whoo-hoo road trip... Although I am sort of looking forward to it, I hate the necessity of it. Like most women, when there's a crisis in my life, my instinct is to gather my chicks and nurture my brood, and clean and cook and do nest-building things, in a (vain) effort to put a gloss of normalcy on a situation that's so very broken. This is a real pain in the butt. And, after a whole year of this, I'm just tired.

Speaking of cleaning, I need to go through the huge pile of crap on the counter, and sort it out. Yesterday, spent hours sorting through the stash in my sewing room, in an attempt to cull out of it what I don't want/need. Not too successful. But, I did fill six large garbage bags with things for Goodwill! Very therapeutic, to look at my closet, and see unused hangers!

I hope all of you are well, and have a great Monday!

Truth, Reality, or Whatever

Is it possible, I ask myself, for someone to absolutely believe the reality he's in at the moment, ignoring the other, alternate reality that also exists? Can someone look me straight in the eye, swear he's telling the truth, and really believe it, when I know there's also another truth? Is this crazy-making, or what? Because, at some point, I begin to doubt my own perception(s) of reality and truth, and I am one heck of a grounded person, not likely to mistake fantasy for reality. (Haven't done that in decades...)

I'm working up a real head of steam here, I must say. I really really really dislike being lied to... Of course, lying involves some element of consciousness -- i.e., the liar should, in the ordinary course of things, know (consciously) that he is lying. Otherwise, is it lying? Or just being f'ing crazy? (Rhetorical question...)

Bottom line, it is very frustrating and tiring to work through dealing with these alternate realities and truths and half-truths and mis-truths and goodness only knows what they are. At some point, one of these days, everything will blow sky high and then the fun will begin. Can hardly wait.

Kind of a dark entry, but there you go.

Sigh...

Speaking (as I was, in a former post) of girding one's loins, I'm about to have to start doing that. In an effort to make sense out of where I (and the spouse) are, vis-a-vis the continued viability (or lack thereof) for our relationship, we've decided that I will go off on a road trip for a while -- perhaps about a month (or more) -- to give him (and me) the necessary space to think more clearly. When we're together, or close in geographical terms, we end up together even when it would, possibly, be best to be apart. So, I am going to go visit New Mexico. I've always wanted to go there, but never managed to come up with a good reason to be there. Now, there's nothing holding me back. I don't have a job, the kids can forage for themselves, the spousal unit also can (presumably) fend for himself, and we (he and I) can take a breather. There are a plethora of issues to be worked out (many of which I thought -- in my naivete -- had been resolved), and need to be dealt with in the fairly immediate future. I simply do not have the strength to spend another year, dangling at the end of a noose... Oh, did I say that? Naughty me... But that's what it has felt like.

Without getting into specifics, as there's always plenty of blame to be spread around any time two folks who have been married almost 30 years, any time there's a fracture in the relationship, both he and I need to get past the "want to" stage to the "what is really going to happen" stage. It's terrifically painful, and I'm struggling mightily to NOT descend into the pit of hate and despair. But, it's not easy. Perhaps if I were blessed with some sort of religious faith, it would be easier. Instead, I have a double dose of denial (!) which, let it be said, has seen me through MANY life episodes!

On the up side, I do have sort of an idea of an itinerary, and I'll be communing with my buddy, Karen L., who's from New Mexico, and get some "insider" hints. I'm actually pretty excited. Then, there'll be a few weeks where I'll be at loose ends. And, it occurred to me, I need to do Christmas (and my anniversary and maybe even my birthday) in Paris. Why the hell not? It was kind of a vision thing... Came to me, clearly... I don't necessarily believe in message from the beyond, but this one was pretty strong. OK, yeah, I can do it. I've got my passport, some cash, some decent clothes, and I'm familiar enough with Paris that it won't be like I fell to earth in the middle of some unknown continent. Left Bank, I think... Hmmmm.... Just for a week or 10 days.... How bad can it be?

Time enough when I finally get back to sort out whatever decisions have been made. Then, depending, could be six months to a year of sobbing, or not. Hard to tell. Not at all what I bargained for, let me just note!!!!

OK, time to wash the dishes and haul my sorry self off to bed...

Cheers!

Now the fun really begins...

I personally am thrilled with the results of the Presidential election. What an historic time for this country. I am so proud of the American people as a whole... the engagement of everyone in the campaign (regardless of what side you're on), the turn-out, the engagement of whole sectors who formerly didn't even show up... It was great. I think I've mentioned previously that I get really excited--even, perhaps, giddy-- every time I go to vote. That, to me, is the essence of what America is all about.

Now, we'll need to gird our collective loins, and get down to the hard work. And pray that Obama and his family are kept safe from wackos.

I'll also need to gird my own loins (as it were), and take a few deep breaths, and get ready for my own hard work over the next few months and years. There are going to be lots of changes in my life, most of which I would not have chosen, had it been my choice to make, and although they will be tough, and heart-wrenching, they will be growth-inducing. I will have to keep repeating to myself that everything turns out, in the end, the way it was meant to be. Maybe I wasn't ready for these hard lessons earlier in my life. I'm not sure what the lessons will be, but I'm sure they'll be important. I'm basically a wimp, however, and would far rather just nest like crazy, nurture my family, cook and clean, and make everything "right", when it really will never be "right" again, at least not in the current configuration. Maybe someday there'll be a new "right", and g*d only knows what that will look like. But, day by day, I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and at some point, I'll look back, and see the path.

Ooooh, that's all too heavy. True, but heavy. I need my coffee.

Have a great day, everyone!

A Nail-Biter...

Those of you who know me, know that I'm not great on the issue of waiting patiently for things to work out. This election night is driving me NUTS!!! And, of course, I just get all WHIPPED UP about the fact that the news networks start "calling" states in the East way before the polls close in the West. There's something there that just does not seem fair. When I am queen, we're going to get them to knock that crap off.

What else... Actually got things done today (hooray!), which was a good step forward. A few days ago, while I was driving to the airport to pick up my daughter (who was flying in for the weekend), I took a corner a bit too fast, and the Grande Chai Latte that I had picked up for her tumbled over. Did I notice that? Nope, not until every last little bit had leaked out into the car carpeting. Yuk. So, today, I took out the removable floor mat in the passenger foot well, and actually washed it out in the kitchen sink. The combination of years of dirt and stinky sour milk really perked me up, I tell ya... Now, to tackle the milky residue in the non-removable carpeting. Oh, goodie.

And, what else... I have been brooding on the meaning of the word "betrayal". Such an ugly word but, occasionally, an absolutely accurate one. One of the most painful words in the human lexicon, I think. Perhaps, in time, I can write a reasoned, articulate, non-ranting blog post on the issue of betrayal. All I can say right now is that I am wrestling with the implications of betrayal, and what an appropriate response is. Perhaps the universe was waiting until I was matured sufficiently to address these issues, eh?

Tonight, I'm off for a meeting with the sip-n-sew gang (two members will be absent), to pontificate about the election, and perhaps drink a bit too much (no, probably not), and maybe, just maybe, do some sewing!

I hope all of those of you out there who are reading this got off your respective keesters and VOTED. (It would be lovely if you voted the "right" way, but the most important thing is that you vote.)

Cheers!

Whoo-hoo!

I voted already! Did the early voting thing... Went down to the Santa Clara County Registrar of Voters, which was open today from 9AM to 3PM, and it took a little over an hour. Luckily, we got there early enough in the day, that we didn't need to wait outside on the sidewalk -- we were inside, and got to sit on real chairs! OK, they were folding metal chairs, but better than nothing.

I get very excited when I go to vote. To me, this is the essence of democracy, and really what the US is all about. There were people all around us, who for sure were not US natives, and they were all patient, and anxious to vote, and (as far as I could tell) very knowledgeable about what they were about to do. There were also lots of younger people, and minorities -- both of which I hadn't seen a lot of in the past. (I often do early voting, as it's a great opportunity to hang out and see what the populace is up to...)

Whatever your personal position and/or leanings are, I hope each and every one you (who is eligible to vote) goes out and votes!!! As far as I am concerned, there are very few (if any) valid excuses for NOT voting!

OK, enough of my nudging and nagging.

Cheers!

Happy Halloween

Well, I knew if I were patient enough, something would pop up to cheer me... I was just doing my early morning Web surfing, and found the following item on the BBC page [http://news.bbc.co.uk/] . . .

The title of the item is: "Thriller zombies cut some shapes" -- Here's the URL, if you want to just click to it and read it there... < http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/2/hi/uk_news/england/nottinghamshire/7701359.stm >

The article reads as follows:

"The organisers want to attract more than 1,124 would-be zombies

"Willing and able zombies have been called upon to perform Michael Jackson's Thriller dance in an attempt to break a world record.

"Organisers of Nottingham's annual games festival GameCity, want to teach more than 1,000 people the pop star's moves.
To break the record for the largest zombie gathering set at the Monroeville Mall, Pittsburgh, US in November 2007, more than 1,124 zombies must take part. Costumes, make-up and choreography will be provided at the Old Market Square. GameCity's festival director Iain Simons said people needed to turn up by 1400 GMT on Friday to be transformed into a zombie.

"We can provide you with a zombie kit, we can train you to walk like a zombie, talk like a zombie, shuffle like a zombie.
"We'll train you to do the Thriller dance," said Mr Simons. "As any self-respecting zombie knows, it's very important that they come together and dance the Michael Jackson Thriller dance because that's what zombies do when they congregate."

"The actual record attempt will take place at 1700 GMT."

It's just a pity I can't just jump on a plane and take part. For some reason, this just tickles me no end!!!

Ah, well... Whatever all of you are doing to celebrate Samhain, be safe.

Well, Shoot...

Really, I have nothing of import to say tonight. I feel so . . . boring . . . The news is all bad, pretty much, I'm SO DONE with the pre-election BS, the weather is indifferent, I couldn't whip it up to cook anything but spaghetti for dinner (accompanied by the last two pieces of Texas Toast in the freezer), and don't even have the energy to go sew on the latest project I've cut out.

I am, I'm afraid, a boring old fart. I shall endeavor to become wittier, more enchanting and more engaging by tomorrow.

And, speaking of reality...

I'm sorry I had not read this story before I finished my last post -- it's a doozy!!!

It seems that, somewhere in Japan, a woman was arrested in connection with her "killing" the avatar of her on-line "husband", after the husband's avatar laid an unexpected on-line divorce on the woman's on-line avatar. (Very Kurosawa-like -- here's the URL to the story, where I saw it, on cnn.com: http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/ptech/10/23/avatar.murder.japan.ap/index.html

Talk about the convergence of reality and real-life. (Of course, she wasn't arrested on a murder rap, but still...) The game is called "Maple Story". I'm sorry, but this is really too creepy. I mean, seriously creepy.

As Dave Barry says, I'm not making this up.

I need a glass of wine, and to sit and contemplate this. A lot.

The Lingering Effect of Dreams...

So, I was just driving home, after running a couple of errands, and I was listening to "Fresh Air" on NPR. Terry Gross is interviewing some screenwriter, and he was off on a riff about how sometimes the "aftertaste" of dreams can linger a whole day (or more), and sometimes just freak you out.

Wow, I says. Yes, that has certainly happened to me. It's often the case that my dreams are so real, that when I wake up, I really am not sure what is real and what is dream (and whether there's any difference anyway, truly, if reality is all in the mind). A "bad" dream can totally flip me out for a day or two, and a good dream can buffer me against whatever BS happens to fly my way all day. Weird.

I once read a book, can't remember when or by who, which posited that, when we're asleep, and "dreaming", our astral bodies or spirits or whatever you want to call them, are actually out, in some second dimension, doing whatever it is that we're dreaming. Now THAT is one weird concept. Particularly when one has, ahem, "delicate encounters" with others in dreams that, in real life, one would NEVER EVEN THINK ABOUT!!! Whew... And, are those people who we meet in dreams, also out gallivanting in their astral selves? I mean, this is the kind of thinking that can wrack your brain. It's like when I was young, and I used to think about where the universe ends. I mean, it has to end somewhere, doesn't it? Or does it? Hmmmm.... More extreme brain damage.

Anyway, the dream thing really has got me going. I know that, sometimes, I'll act in a way that is totally reflective of my dream, and not at all connected to the "real" world. That has led to some interesting things, from time to time. It has also disconcerted friends and family no end, I fear. Sorry, friends and family, I really am.

Last evening, had a total emotional meltdown. Again. I don't think I can blame a dream for that. But, I do point to my "gut" feelings, or intuition, as setting the stage. Over the decades, I have learned to really trust and rely on my intuition to tell me when something is afoot. I've disregarded it (the feeling, the intuition) often, and sometimes I was wrong, but more often than not, I've lived to regret not listening to the little man who lives in the gut. So, I have a feeling something is brewing, and it could be bad, or not, but it's a change. Like in the original "Mary Poppins" book... she can tell when the wind is going to change, and that change will bring changes to everyone's lives. (You know, that really was not a children's book, I don't care; and I'm still wildly irritated at the Disney-ization of that story... They treacled it out of all recognition...) I sense a change in the wind coming, and I don't know what to do about it. The thing is, when the wind changes, you can't "do" anything at all about it. The wind blows as it blows. The ancients knew that, and knew to respect it. Me, I'm a modern girl, and every once in a while, I forget about the ancient wisdom and set my sails in a way that the boat she is going to capsize.

Oooh, I am getting all woo-woo. No, not really. I ought not make fun of my feelings and intuitions. They are there for a reason. I didn't used to be all flipped out about change. But then, I grew up and became a control freak. There you have it. I need to step back and just let the wind blow. I'm flexible and bendable, and I'll survive and live to see another day.

Make sure you-all have your shutters fastened. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Learnings

I have discovered that, when one has facial surgery, it is most definitely NOT a good idea to eat anything that is going to require you to floss your teeth, because generally you can't open your mouth very wide for some period of time following the surgery. Don't ask me how I found this out.

I've also discovered that my skin, when it bruises, goes through one amazing set of color transitions. I really do look alarmingly like one of those papayas that are languishing on my counter in the kitchen. I only hope I have enough of a really good quality cover-up cosmetic product to do the job next Saturday night, when I have a community "do" to attend.

And, Election Day is only two weeks away. Thank the lord. I am so DONE with the campaigning and the mud-slinging and the nit-picking and the general BS. I really don't think that anyone's mind is going to be changed by anything that either side says about the other, at this point. And, how many truly undecided voters are out there, anyway? Cynical me, I think that everyone's mind is already made up, consciously or unconsciously... And everyone out there better get their sorry selves off to their polling places or drop that absentee or mail-in ballot in the mail, and VOTE! Yes, sigh, even if you vote the "wrong" way, it's just important to vote. I do not buy any excuse whatsoever for not voting if one is eligible to do so. Period.

And, I'm all whipped up, again, about the economy and the real estate market and the burgeoning foreclosures. What, pray tell, does it profit the lender to have an empty house sitting there? I'm particularly whipped up about houses which are occupied by renters but the owners blew their loans, and then the renters get kicked out. It's not like the lenders in general do a great job of taking care of these foreclosed properties, including ensuring that they get a continuing stream of revenue from occupying renters! I mean, guys, this is just common sense. I know, I know, I just don't understand. Right.

I'm actually pretty irritated at myself for not getting much done today. You'd think that, since I'm not working outside the house at a full-time (or even a part-time) job, I'd be more efficient at getting stuff done during the day. But, oh no -- just fiddled around today. Shame on me! (Well, OK, I did run three errands, big whoop.) On the up side, I'm not as tired as I was for the past few years. I'm actually reading three books at once, which is a luxury, and having the time to sit and look at the sky and ponder the meaning of life.

OK, I can see I am just plain ornery tonight. I'd better sign off, and go meditate about my attitude.

Addendum

Sorry, but I didn't read this until after I had finished today's post...

Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.

You know, there are some things better not reported, and be damned to the public's right to know.

Really.

Strange Days, Indeed

So, it's Monday (although I'm taking that on faith, since now that I'm no longer working at The Company I really have no idea what the heck day is which), and I'm thinking back on this past weekend. Well, brooding about the fragmentation of society is more like it.

Every day, more astonishing crap crawls out of the woodwork. I sometimes think I'm living in some weird StarTrek-ish parallel universe, and on the other side of the time-space continuum, things are just fine.

The election: I know that Gov. Palin's appearance on this weekend's SNL drew the largest audience that show has had in a decade or so, but WTF was she thinking? It was funny and amusing and all that, but this is the person who could, if things shake out in a way that would lead me to thinking seriously of decamping to Australia, be a heartbeat away from the presidency of the US. (Of course, the way things are going in this country, maybe that's exactly what we -- as a country -- deserve.) The descent of John McCain, who at one time was an endearing and curmudgeonly politico, into a nasty old man, spewing vituperation and tired old political barbs at Obama. What a bloody shame. The bizarre measures on the ballot here in California, and the shivers I feel about the fact that they're even on the ballot at all. There is a country out there that I just don't understand, don't like, and which scares the bajeezuz out of me.


The economy: Every day, I just shake my head at the latest BS to spew forth out of the imploding of our economy. Like, duh, is anyone really surprised, when we have, for longer than anyone cares to remember, created, believed in and worshipped an economy that is built on non-sustainable principles (e.g., continuous growth, focus on annual consumer spending, the worship of the almighty [and slightly manipulated] quarterly bottom line, the off-shoring and outsourcing of vast portions of our corporate infrastructures, the dumbing-down of popular culture). Greed... One of the seven deadly sins, and for good reason. You may not believe in the infallibility of the Bible, but there are a lot of things in there that surely make absolutely the best sense. I spent enough hours in enough conference rooms over the years I was an actively-practicing attorney with investment bankers, insurance execs, and their ilk, to understand that this was just a disaster waiting to happen. These folks were the supreme no-value-add elements in any deal. And, yes, I do understand -- very damn well -- the economics of deals and who's getting what. (I recall that, occasionally, when I could no longer contain myself, and would make muttered comments about taking those investment bankers out into the parking lot and shoving them under the wheels of an oncoming BMW, that the "boys" would get that look on their faces . . . you know the one . . . "oh, she's just a girl, what does she possibly know about the fabulous deal we're all doing" . . . oh, puhleeze...)

But, on the other hand, there are wonderful people out there. People who are doing their best every day in the face of stressful conditions. Who are exercising personal responsibility (a quaint notion that is one I hold dear), and worrying about the impact of their actions (or failures to act) on society as a whole, who actually care about the greater society, and who do not believe that taxes are just the "gummint" taking their money and giving it away to no-good rotters. There are thoughtful journalists and public servants and financiers and just regular folks, all of whom tell it like it is. One of my favorite folks is Maureen Dowd (OK, all you right-wingers -- not that any would be reading this blog, most likely -- can start rolling your eyes.) Go on www.nytimes.com (today's edition), and read her op/ed piece, "After W., Le Deluge" -- very well written. A very good piece of writing.

On the up side, I went to the doctor today, for my one-week post-surgery check-up, and he pronounced himself thrilled with the progress of my recovery. And, even better, he gave me the green light to resume drinking caffeinated beverages (oh, yeah, mama -- bring me my latte!) and alcohol (and, Jeeves, bring me that Cosmo now, if you would)... I thought I was on the wagon for another week, at least. However, my body (god love it) was in good shape, and supported rapid healing of all the incisions and nasty business. Of course, now that I've been pure as the driven slush for two (well, almost three) weeks, I'm not feeling any huge driving urge to indulge. In fact, after the doctor's appointment, the spousal unit and I went to Peet's for an afternoon pick-me-up, and I just had a jasmine lime green tea cooler (and, of course, some carrot bread, to count as one of my veggies for the day). I've also been drinking smaller cups of coffee, and I've come to enjoy them a lot more. There just might be something to this clean living thing...

OK, now that I read this, am I really becoming a crotchety old fartette? Possibly. The nice thing is that, at this age, I really don't care all that much. Freedom! Yessss!!! I refuse to let The Man keep me down!!! (By the way, The Man is now all those 20-somethings...) I love the irony of history.

Well, time to pay attention to dinner, and get ready to watch Monday Night Football on our new Shining Symbol of Consumerism: we broke down and purchased a mega-LCD flat-screen TV. Yep, we gave in to Mammon. You know, if you show up at one of these chain electronics stores with cash, you can pretty much negotiate any deal that you want (within some reasonable bounds). I was actually astonished at the deal we got. We selected a size and brand and level of quality that we liked, and then found one that was a floor sample, got the store to give us a very good deal and then, in a burst of negotiating ballsiness that I honed on many business trips to China, asked for yet more off. And we got it. A good deal all around. I feel so guilty watching this beast. I really do. But, it's really really nice. We actually watched "La Vie en Rose" (on DVD) on it over the weekend, and the experience was fabulous.

May all your teams win tonight. Or not. Cheers!

Astonishing

And I wonder why I get in a funk sometimes. The world is clearly an f'd up place, as evidenced not only by the results of all the unmitigated greed on the part of all those weeny Masters of the Universe, but also by incidents like this. [For those of you who haven't seen it, it's the video of a fight between two 12-year-olds -- and who, I might add, what shooting this video? -- and the mother of one of the two girls drove her daughter to the park for the smack-down... WTF????]



Just had to comment on this...

Oh, and...

... thoughts on religion versus faith versus belief. Can you have rituals without faith, or vice versa? If you do, is it right, is it real? And what is the nature of comfort in religious rituals? And what about partial faith? Can you be a "cafeteria" believer?

This is the kind of stuff that bounces around in my brain as I'm driving. Jeez.

Sigh...

Saturday, and I am in a major funk. Really. Just pissy and morose. No real reason. Just humpf. So, I'm not going to go on and on, whining and moaning. Instead, I'll tell you all that I'm brooding about a post on the Dissolution, the King's Great Matter, the peace I find in the ruins of the abbeys in England, and other who-the-heck-knows-where-that's-coming-from musings.

I just had to share.

Ignore this whinging. Really.

Day Three...

... after surgery, and if I do say so myself (knock wood), the healing appears to be going quite well. My face is less swollen (particularly around the eyes), although the color is not to be believed. I think I look a lot like a very ripe papaya -- quite yellow, with tinges of purple/green... Lovely, quite a tropical look... I actually ran a few errands today, and no one screamed or fainted or made any untoward remarks, so I guess all is fine. (Either that or folks were shocked silly, which I truly doubt.)

And, no pain pills at all today! Hoo-hah! Really, the physical side-effects of those narcotics are not all that pleasant. Even being a child of the Sixties, and not having any moral issues (well, not too many, anyway) regarding drugs, I still prefer, all things considered, not to have too many of them floating around in my body. Particularly over the past year or so, when I've made a very concerted effort to eat healthily (less processed foods, more fruits and veggies, and lots of liquid)(water), I think it's made a big difference, now that I'm healing from what could have been quite a traumatic physical assault on my body. I was chatting with a buddy today, and she said she remembered when her aunt had her face lift, she stayed overnight in the hospital, and then stayed in bed for a week, whining and moaning. Well, obviously techniques have improved over the years, and I'm not even factoring in the aunt's possible predeliction for drama-queen antics, but still I think I'm doing quite well.

And, no, I won't be posting any photos to back up my claims. Just use your imagination. Or ask one of the two buddies who visited me yesterday. If you're a close friend, you'll know who they are!

Anyway, I've been watching/listening to all the post-debate punditry that's going on, and I'm not detecting that there's been a huge groundswell of anyone out there in the electorate changing their minds about who to vote for as a result of the campaigning and/or the debates. I personally find it very distressing that this country seems to be so very divided, and that the degree of bitterness and rancor (and general bad behavior) is getting higher and higher. It seems to me that the ideas of sacrifice, and sharing the burden, and civic duty, and a general lack of selfishness seem to be sorely lacking across this country. Or, maybe I'm just cynical and jaundiced. (Well, yes, jaundiced but that's because of the bruising... No, silly, that's not the context. Sorry, bad joke. Couldn't help myself.) But, seriously, I think this country is going to heck in a handbasket, driven by an excess of "me first" attitude that I just do not understand. Or, could it be that I'm just getting to be old(er) and (more) crochety?

Well, regardless, all in all, life is good. The weather is lovely, the house is relatively clean, there's food in the cupboard, there are comfy pillows on the bed, and it's foot-rubbing night. So, how can I complain?

I wish all of you the very best of everything, and may you each sleep well tonight.

Day Two...

... post-surgery, and I'm getting antsy. Today, I only took one mega-pain pill, and only took one nap. I still look fairly hideous, but better than yesterday. Theoretically, today is the day on which the swelling is worst, and it gets better from now on. However, I think the swelling is better, although odd parts of my face are pooching out. My doctor says that's all normal, as the swelling "migrates" downward. (Oh, great, I'll have a poochy tummy by the time this is all over...) And, the healing is going along fine, apparently, as I'm starting to itch a bit. And my energy level is coming back. Now, apparently, is the critical time when I need to be conscious of taking it easy, and NOT jumping back into my normal level of business. (Kind of like when I had my babies -- after hauling around that load for nine months, you at first feel wonderful, like Super Woman, and you do too much, and then -- wham! -- it hits you between the eyes and you're laid flat out!

Anyway, two buddies from work dropped by today -- no doubt they could not wait to see what I look like -- and they didn't flinch too much. So, I guess I don't look too bad. Got caught up on all the gossip from The Company (nothing truly juicy), etc., etc. We will be scheduling the official "unveiling" of my new look for a few weeks out, complete with alcohol, I hope. (I'm still on the no-caffeine, no-alcohol regimen...) And, believe me, I am truly looking forward to my first Cosmo! I had to watch yet another Presidential debate sans wine tonight. That is truly painful. I am so done with all this election hoo-hah, I can't tell you. I really admire systems in other countries where the campaigning is limited to like five or six weeks. Yep, very civilized... This race has gone on for a year, or more, as far as I can tell. I am so done...

Tomorrow, perhaps I shall get back to some sewing. Maybe some reading (real books). Maybe some house cleaning. Maybe some laundry. Oh, boy, sit back and kick it, girlfriend! Wooohoooo!!! Yeah, so I'm just a tad snarky tonight. Just a bit. If I hear one more person promise, on their word of honor, that they will create thousands, no, millions, of jobs... I'll puke. How? and, of course, the favorite mantra of "no new taxes"... Who, pray tell, will pay for all the infrastructure repair and replacement? the bills generated by the day-to-day operation of the government? the stupid bloody war(s) we keep getting involved in? The bloody Easter Bunny? For the love of pete...

I am really getting crabby. Yep, time for another codeine pill. Well, no, not tonight. I think I'm done with those. Maybe some graham crackers and warm milk? Yum! (Oh, god, I really wish I could have a nice glass of chilled white wine...)

Well, I hope you all watched the debate, and are ready to vote on November 4th. It can't come any too soon, IMHO...