So, I've been really moving at about 30% speed for a couple of weeks. When I was wandering Arizona and New Mexico on my aborted road trip, I picked up some bug or other, and it hasn't gone away. (I am assuming that I'm a very gracious host, and the bug is moving in for the long Winter ahead...) I feel, occasionally, a little feverish, my chest hurts/aches a little, I'm hacking up little uglies (you know what I mean), and I break out into quite a sweat at the least effort. Hmmm... It's either a viral thing (in which case it will just run it's course, provided I don't exert myself too much) or, god forbid, pneumonia. (Years ago, I had pneumonia, and ever sense it's been with me -- if I get sick, it goes to my chest... I've been examined up one side and down the other, and all the doctors say I'm in fine shape... which I am, until I get sick!!!!)
Anyway, I've been taking it relatively slow this week. I did have lunch with two different buddies from The Company this week, and drinks with another alumnus from The Company (she's now working somewhere else), and it was SUPER to see each of them. I miss working with each and every one of them, truly. But, the more I hear about the nonsense going on at The Company, the more relieved I am that I'm not in the middle of the Dreaded Vortex of Stupidity... Last night, I did go to a holiday "do" at the home of the head of the local community college district. (I had applied for the empty seat on the district's Board of Trustees, but was not chosen, which is actually fine with me.) Lots of folks from the District and from the greater community were there. It was good to see everyone. The hostess recently lost her husband of 23 years, and I must say, she's holding up remarkably well. I think she's a lot like me -- a "tough broad" to the external world, but basically a cream puff inside... Her birthday is two days before mine... I think I'll drag her out for a festive dinner... with champagne. I think she's turning 60 this year, so she'll need a bit of hoo-hah for her birthday.
The other thing that has surprised me this week is: how many tears the human body can produce. I truly thought I could hold it together, and not burst into tears for these next couple of days here at home (before I leave on Saturday morning to go Back East, and freeze my katookies off), as a I contemplate the virtual certainty of my husband deciding to walk away from me and our marriage, to mary The Other Woman ("Her"), to fulfill some ill-conceived "promise" to Her (I'd use a more pejorative term for this female twit, but that would probably violate some blog guideline, and it would really be beneath me, in terms of dignity, so please feel free to fill in your own pet name for Her) -- to bring Her, and the daughter, to the US. This, of course, is on top of all the money we've sent to Her and the family over the past year... I personally think his obsession with Her is just irrational and heavily swathed in some Old White Guy/Young Asian Babe fantasy package, but what do I know. I think I am the only person on the face of the earth who thinks, even occasionally, that it might be a good idea to stay together and attempt to rebuild this marriage. Anyway, yesterday and last night, we had some pretty upsetting conversations, and I just fell apart. I am so MAD at myself for doing that... I really honestly thought I could hold it together for these last few days, before I leave for my time away, but apparently not. He says he "loves" Her and he must think that the heavy price he'll pay to be with Her (i.e., walking away from me, shattering his family) is worth it. I've thrown up my hands. What pisses me off is, all this past year, the repeated promises about staying with me and building a future with me... what was THAT all about? It would have hurt less, perhaps, if had just had enough courage to tell me, last year, that he wanted a divorce, and that was that. But, he didn't, and we are where we are. He also let me know that, yes, he calls her just about every day, "just to say hi". Really??? On the iPhone I gave him? Grrrrr....
Anyway, I am amazed at how many tears were left. And I am also amazed at JUST HOW BAD I LOOK THIS MORNING!!! If you're going to cry at night, I guess the thing to do is sleep (if you can) on a relatively high pillow, so the fluid doesn't settle into your eyelids and lovely little pouches under your eyes. Ask me how I know this... :-) Hahahaha...
So, today, I get to check over my wardrobe for the trip, make sure I've got all my thermal underwear laid out, that it's clean, that I've got boots and slippers and socks... Send some emails to contacts in Paris, to see who might be around to have drinks with, just for grins... I should go to the bookstore and see what materials they have on Paris; I mean, I've been there a bunch, but the sightseeing portion of my trips has been seriously hit-and-miss. Maybe, this time, I should be a bit more prepared... Hmmm....
Today is lovely -- clear and crisp. I may actually haul my sorry self off the sofa and go take a walk, and see who's doing what in the neighborhood. I love to check on the progress of all the remodeling and construction projects. The McMansions are invading our neighborhood, which is kind of sad. But, the City's planning commission (a limp bunch, IMHO) keep blessing these projects, for reasons I don't understand, so there you go. Being outside usually tends to cheer me up no end.
And, I am SO looking forward to hanging with my best buddy, JM, for the weekend and a few days thereafter. She's working up a head of steam to smack me around my head and shoulders for not kicking the spousal unit to the curb months ago. I guess she's got a point, but I've done what made me happy in the moment. [NOTE: Since I wrote the original post, my daughter has weighed in on this comment; it is her opinion that I was not doing things to make myself happy but, rather, taking the more comfortable path at the moment, because I am/was afraid of investigating the alternative, which is not being with the husband; it's been almost 28 years, after all, and over the past couple of years, I have very much committed myself to attempting to right the wrongs of the past. So, observation noted.] If, in the long run, that was the wrong thing to do, well, I'll take that risk. Who knows, anyway, what is right and what is wrong, between a married couple. (Well, there are some things that are clearly wrong, and I've either done or been the recipient of pretty much all of them.)
And then, off to Paris for ten days, with the Daughter (my Darling Daughter)! Yesss!!! It'll be totally odd to celebrate Christmas away from home, but it's what needs to happen. My first Christmas away from home was spent in India. Wow! That was really EXOTIC!!! My then-boyfriend and I were in India, so he could visit his family. It was my first trip outside the United States, and my eyes really were as big as saucers! We stayed in Mumbai, in the Taj Mahal Hotel (yes, the one that was decimated in the recent terrorist attacks). Our room looked out on the Gateway to India memorial, and I remember how disconcerting it was, to sit in the room window, to feel the warm breezes off the water, to look at the palms and the felucca boats, and to hear the traditional Christmas carols wafting up (there were a group of folks, down next to the Gateway to India, singing away)... Wow... Blew my mind! I'm sure that Paris will not be quite so exotic (or maybe it will), but it should be great.
OK, I think I need to go work on various little projects around the house. Tonight is our monthly sip-n-sew gathering, and I am prepared. Bringing both red and white wine, as well as little jars of my homemade apple butter for the ladies. Should be fun! No doubt the ladies will also smack me around about my marriage. Oh great.
I hope you are all ready for whatever holiday festivities you celebrate or engage in...
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