So Sad...

Farrah, and Michael. Two fabulous stars, one going with dignity, one just slipping off after decades of weirdness. But, still, sad on both counts. And, the "Let's Go To Argentina" governor -- the less said about that one, the better, as far as I'm concerned... it just hits too close to home for me, and I'm still pretty damn sore about what's gone down in my own life over the past two years. And, perhaps, is still going down. What is with these guys who feel compelled to write wonderful, lyrical, romantic emails to their . . . other women (I was going to call them "whores" but that's too broad) . . . but yet not show (probably) the same tenderness to their spouses? Really...

But, let me not get off topic. As I'm now in my 60s, I think a lot about the next step in my journey (i.e., dying/death). I'm not particularly afraid of it, as it comes to all of us. I am afraid, I guess, of meeting death in a painful, awful, ugly way... like getting shot on the sidewalk by some sub-human who's just out to rob someone... that would be sucky. More for their bad karma (and my last fear) than anything. And, since I fly a lot, I do worry about going down in a plane; I hope if that's in the cards for me, that it's quick in any event. I brood about this. Farrah had time, we hope, to prepare. Michael, perhaps, did not. Farrah is just about my age, Michael was only 50... Fifty years old seems so very young, from where I sit these days!

I've been thinking about my life, so far, and how I feel about it all. I've really f'd up, big time, more than once (actually, numerous times), I've done lots of good things, but I haven't done as much as I should have, and I've caused a lot of pain to people who didn't (really) deserve it. I've been thoughtless, and thoughtful; I've been stingy, and generous; I've been callous, and compassionate. I think I've been repaid adequately for the pain I've inflicted -- but that's not my tally sheet to keep. I've done my best to be a good human being, and have fallen short many many times. Isn't that the essence of being human?

I've tried to be a good spouse to my husband, in the face of his failings and infidelities and dishonesty. I at least can look myself in the mirror each morning and each night, and feel good about what I've done. What he does, in his twisted mind and on his own time (thinking I don't know about it), is his issue, not mine.

I've come to realize that I can't "own" others' behavior -- e.g., my husband's, my son's... I need to work harder about not taking, on myself, their actions -- they need to own that crap. It's particularly hard when people bitch to me about my son's behavior... you KNOW people judge you by what your children do (or don't do). That's hard to take. I need to stay focused. As for my spouse's behavior, well, he did blame me for setting the stage for it, but it's still his decision to do what he did, and to continue to do what he's doing. I've done what I can do. I probably fall short daily, but not for want of trying.

So, I hope that when Farrah and Michael get to wherever it is that we go after we "pass", they can answer whatever questions are posed to them, and that they won't be judged (or judge themselves) too harshly. To fall short is part of the human condition. But, we have free will to try and do better. It's that free will that I personally try to tap into, daily. Some days, I think I've done OK; some days, not so much. Luckily, I've been waking up to a new day each day, with a new chance to do better. Phew!

Wow, did I go deep and dark here... I think I need another Cosmo!

Cheers!